5/31/2011

I lied...

There I said it.  I confess and admit it, I lied.  It took me 10 months to come to that realization and then admit it.
Ten months ago I "really thought" I heard the Lord's leading in quitting my job and working closer to home for less pay and so on and so on.  It is still my greatest desire to be closer to home, but I did things in my own timing and not the Lords.
As I have been examining myself and asking the Lord to examine my heart over the last month, I've come to understand what exactly took place.

This thing called grief (deep sorrow, great distress); it effects people in many different ways.  When my father passed, I threw myself into my family and homemaking.  I was dealing with the loss, but at my pace.  I allowed myself those moments of depression that caused me to sleep late in the day or cry late into the night.  I just allowed it to sweep over me however it chose to.  It took me 5 years to be able to say his name without crying.  I've never known grief such as that.  Then my husband left and there was grief with that, but nothing compared to my father's death.  I suppose because the Lord had been preparing me through dreams and visions.  I grieved, but I dealt with it.
Then my mother passed and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  The grief from losing my mother caused the very breath within me to appear to stop.  And just months after that, my husband left again.  I was hit with a double whammy of devastation that caused my heart to cease to beat and the life within me to dry up.  I forgot how to breath.  I forgot how to truly do anything of meaning.  I did things out of rote.  There were weekends I didn't get out of bed, didn't brush my teeth, or comb my hair.  There were weekends I didn't even bathe.  I just existed.  My desire to be home grew beyond me and I began to listen to my heart over His will.
Thus I "felt" the Lord telling me it was time.  God does everything decent and in order and I went way beyond that.
As I look back now, my home based business was no where near ready to sustain/support me and my children.  I've still got so much to learn.  I dream big and this was no different.  So I walked away from my job and have struggled to exist over the last 10 months.  I said this would be a time for me to draw closer to God and it has....TRULY!!!
Now I can see things for what they really were.   My heart was in agony, my life in turmoil and honestly, I didn't know what to do.  I talked to people, but for whatever reason, my entire heart was not poured out.  People thought I was coping well.  I wasn't. I was dying and no one could hear my screams.  I was within a prison and no one knew.  My grief, taken to another level, caused me to do some very irrational things.  And then I prayed...God why did You bring me to this point if You were going to allow it to be this way.  Now I know it was my own doing and though He has never left or forsaken me, He did step back and let me stumble.  Yea, I did need these 10 months to come to the end of myself and come to the understanding of Him.  He did have to allow this to be.  If it had not, I would not have come to this point in my walk with Him.
One of the associate pastors preached Sunday and that's when the major light bulb went off.  He was talking about going through the valley and how God is with us.  Some of the valleys are just a fact of life we must deal with, some are valleys of growth, and some are valleys of our own doing; and then he specifically mentioned grieving and you quit your job because the grief was too great.  Beyond that, I don't know what he said and will have to get the cd.  This is exactly what I did and I was incapable of articulating that to anyone.  How could I make someone else understand it when I myself did not understand it?
The sensible thing to do would have been to go to the doctor, explain what was going on, allow him to request I take some time off and let my short term disability kick in while I was just able to seek counseling and come to grips with my grief.  My mind was not functioning in a proper state though and so I would have never come to this conclusion.  I myself thought I was coping as well.  I had no idea that I needed more intervention or time.  You see I took off work from Dec. 3 of 2009 to Jan. 4 of 2010.  My mother's funeral had just been a week before my return to work.  I was inundated with so much when in reality I just needed time to grieve.
So I did some foolish thing by quitting my job and plummeting my family in great poverty. Going through valleys I didn't necessarily have to go through, but which God has used and is using for His glory.  This has been a hard and bitter road at times.  I've struggled with forgiving myself and having to relearn just who this God is I serve.  Now I deal with losing my home and having to search for employment at a time when millions of others are searching too.  My time limit is short, these things must be done by the end of August so I can move from the very place I love.  Yet, I believe in a God who is faithful. He keeps His promises to His children.  He has provided and will continue to do so.  Right now the task at hand is daunting and looks very bleak, but God knew exactly what I would need before the hand of time even began.  I am trusting in an everlasting God that is able to exceed my greatest dream.  I'm clinging to His hand with each step I take, not sure where we're going, but certain of the one who is leading.  He has my best interest at heart and I now can say I KNOW Him for myself!!!!

5/27/2011

Trusting

I have had to really stand on the revelation of God's faithfulness.  Took the van to the transmission shop today and at this point, they can't find anything wrong with it.  The repairman said from what I described that it sounds like it's the transmission, but he doesn't want to charge me that high fee and nothing be wrong with it.  So, we wait and see if anything more happens.  I'm praying that a miracle has taken place and there is NOTHING seriously wrong with our only transportation.

Now begins the search of finding a job and a house.  I'm a bit discouraged already because there are so many people out of work and looking for a job.  It seems like it will be impossible to find one just for me, but I'm trusting the Lord to provide a job and housing by August.

5/26/2011

The Testing of My Faith

No sooner had I declared that God is faithful, that the enemy began to hit with hard punches.  The transmission on my van is slipping and there are no funds available to pay for repairs.  And the voices of the enemy crept in and my blood pressure began to rise.  We made it to church safely and I parked the van.  I was so down, I was determined that there was no point in my attending service and bringing someone else down.  And just as I began to get comfortable with this idea, the Lord said NO!!!

I did attend Wednesday night service and poured out my heart before the Lord.  My circumstances have changed yet again.  Without the money to fix the problem, it will only get worse.  I will not have transportation to find work or go to work once I find it.  Without work, bills don't get paid.  Unpaid bills, well....................

And so I cried out.  Lord I choose to believe what Your Word says.  I choose to believe that You are faithful and unchanging.  I don't know how you're going to work this out, but I'm trusting that You will and in the end You will be glorified.  I have no resources, but You are my source and all things belong to You.  I left church last night a bit more up beat.  I will continually have to fight the enemy because he has not stopped taunting me, but I believe that this is also for my growth, confidence, and stability in Christ!!!!

Praying for a miracle as I find out how much it will be for repairs.  And focusing my eyes upon Jesus, trying to see things from God's perspective and not from the view I have here within the circumstances.

5/25/2011

Giving up

The reason people want to give up is because their focus is on the wrong thing.
As Christians we are to run the race of sharing the Gospel and being the feet and hands of Jesus.  We are to live out the life of righteousness and be a light to a dark world.  We won't do it perfectly, but we must go forward and not give up.
Focus your eyes upon the man Jesus and remember He went through the same trials and tribulations.  He is our way of escape.

5/24/2011

Faithful.....LONG

Where to start?  So much has happened in the last few weeks, I'm sure I'll forget something.  So many people were telling me to keep a journal, but alas, I did not.  Sorry!

I'm praying God will bring things back to the forefront of my mind so I can share them with you.  However, just this past week God blessed me with a magnificent revelation about Himself.  It's nothing new....there is NOTHING new under the sun about Him.  He is the great I am.  So this is just a "new" revelation to ME!


I've had this great Bible study for a couple of years now and I've yet to finish it.  God re-directed me back to this study over the course of the last few weeks as I was going through some extremely rough times.  My faith was faltering significantly.  I was ready to throw in the towel and just be done with it all.  The enemy was doing his best to take me out, but God!!!!!!!!!

So I picked this study up where I left off many moons ago.  Last week the session was Beholding The God of Faithfulness.  It was in the first few moments of listening to Jim Berg read Lamentations 3:21-26 that I had my AH HA moment.
This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.  It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.  They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.  The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in Him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh Him.  It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord.


God NEVER changes.  NO matter what is going on in the earth or in my life, HE is the same!  I change, you change, my children change, but HE is exactly what His Word says He is and will do exactly what His Word says He will do.  Yes, even when I don't feel Him or sense Him in my circumstances.  You see it's when we are going through those valleys that the enemy will whisper in our ears, much like he did with Jesus in the wilderness.  Taunting you with words such as, where is your God now?  If He really cared He would have done something by now.  You can do this struggling on your own, you don't need God to struggle.  And if he's not going to get you out of this mess, you might as well do it on your own.  He pushes and pushes until you are at the brink of walking away in defeat.

Deut. 7:9 tells us Know therefore that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God, who keeps His covenant and His lovingkindess to a thousandth generation with those who love Him and keep His commandments;

Psalm 102:27 says But You are the same, and Your years will not come to an end.

Numbers 23:19   God is not a man, that He should lie, nor a son of man, that He should repent; Has He said, and will He not do it? Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?

Malachi 3:6 For I, the Lord, do not change;

James 1:17  Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.

Jim Berg made this statetement...To change in any way would mean that God would have to change for the better (He's already absolutely perfect) or for the worse (which is impossible with absolute perfection).

I suppose those were all light bulb moments and the "knowing" of those scriptures began a deep understanding and confirmation within my heart.  But it was the following statements that made me sit back in my seat and weep with understanding and repentance.
Meditate on these statements and if any of these ring true for you, I pray you will seek God in His faithfulness and know that HE is the same yesterday, today, and forever more.  His Word is true.

Without a clear view of His faithfulness you will have little testimony for God.  How can my life or faith testify of who God is and how good He is if I am totally wishy washy in each of the circumstances that hit me in this life?  If I am to be the light then I must be able to stand on His truth and know that it is true whether I see anything take place in my life or not.  No one wants to believe in a Savior that I doubt at every turn of trial or tribulation.

You will be plagued by sins you cannot overcome if you don't believe in His faithfulness.  1 Cor. 10:13, 1 Thes. 5:24, 2Thes. 3:3
I can't begin to tell you how many times I have done something and then felt deep regret for what I did and yet I would do it again and again and again.

You may be unsure of your salvation and of forgiveness of sins. 1 John 1:9
For me, I was sure of my salvation, but all the sins I continued to confess over and over basically said that I did not believe God was faithful enough to forgive me for them the first time I sought forgiveness.  I would cry out in anguish over sins I had already confessed and I would beg Him to forgive me.  I would tell Him repeatedly just how sorry I was.  The moment this revelation was illuminated for me, I bowed my head and prayed one last time and laid those sins at His feet KNOWING that He had truly cast them into the sea of forget-fullness.  In that very instant, I felt a weight lift off me and I knew I was truly forgiven and need not ever bring those things back to the Father.

You can easily be discouraged by loneliness.  Heb 13:5
My BIGGEST complaint to the Lord was always, Lord, without my husband, I have no one.  I'm so alone trying to do everything he would normally do and being both parents, I just wish I had someone to share all this with, someone to talk to, etc.  Again, in the instant that this revelation sunk in, I could feel the presence of the Lord with me in my quiet time.  I KNEW, that I KNEW He has always been with me.  My mother made a statement many times about her parents regarding their death.  She said they had forsaken her.  I thought a parent could never forsake a child.  Now that I've lost both my parents, I totally get what she was saying.  She was telling me that people will come and go and they will forsake you in various ways, even death, but God.....He can't die.  He is the ONLY ONE that will always be with you!  He doesn't walk away from us, we walk away from Him.

You can be easily discouraged by your own failures.  2 Tim. 2:13
Yikes, I had just made a statement the night before about making a mess of things and feeling like a complete and utter fool and failure.  I questioned if there was a point to even try anymore or push forward.  I am no longer discouraged.  You see, God knew EVERYTHING I would go through in my life before the beginning of time.  So if He knew, that means He ALREADY had the solutions worked out.

Now this next one is a doozy for me.
You can be tortured by fear of what is going to happen. Psalm 121:8
I have been plagued with all kinds of fears.  I had begun to fear dreaming, thinking, speaking, hoping.  Fears of dying like my mother or father did.  Fears of being homeless.  Fears of being on the streets with my children.  Fears of losing my children.  Fears of losing all my worldly possessions.  I've been troubled with panic attacks, high blood pressure, depression, and the list goes on.  I have not been totally freed of these.  I had not had a panic attack in weeks and upon reading that statement, I immediately began to have even more severe attacks waking me from sound sleep and terrors beyond belief.  I know I'm on the right track or the enemy would not feel so threatened.

 Without a clear view of His faithfulness you will have little trust for God.  His promises will have little impact upon you.  Your prayer life will have little impact.
HIS FAITHFULNESS FUELS MY FAITH!!!!!!!  Now I totally understand why I felt like His promises were for everyone else but me.  I felt like I needed to do more, instead of resting in the simple truth of His faithfulness.  I equated God with my parents leaving me and my husband as well.  In my mind I felt that if I wasn't good enough He would not hear my prayers or come to my rescue.

But the truth remains the same...My soul can rest because God's faithfulness is more than enough for me.  God cannot love me any less or more than what He already does at this very moment.

5/23/2011

Change

It feels so good to blog once again.  I can't explain just how much I've missed it.  Blogging is a major release for me and allows me to get all my thoughts in one place.

I've been contemplating changes within my blogging.  Nothing drastic, but very important to me  still the same.  I will still continue to post about things going on in my life and within my family, but I want more of my posts to be centered around my faith in Christ and my walk with Him.  Many of my posts already are, but I'm eager to share even more.  When it's all said and done, I want my blog posts to have been able to make a difference in someone's life by changing their perspective on various matters.  I want more of Christ to be seen in and through my posts and less of me.  Make sense?



5/03/2011

MIA

I'll be missing in action for a while.  Our internet was disconnected.  I only have limited access from my phone.  

God Bless!!!!!

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