11/30/2011

Grateful

Even with all my whining and complaining, I realize that I am very blessed.
I have three children that are still home, I know where they are, I know who their friends are.  I know what they are doing.  They aren't on drugs, they don't drink, and they aren't having premarital sex.  Their relationships with God may be rocky, but they haven't given up on Him altogether.
We may not stay in a mansion on a hill, but we have a roof over our heads and we are together.  My health may not be the best, but I'm still alive.  None of us wears the latest fashions, but we have clothes and we can crawl in our beds at night and sleep.
I may not have an income right now, but God has never let us go without.  Every bill paid, food to eat, etc.
So today, I just wanted to express my gratitude.

11/29/2011

Still Around...

I've not stopped reading the book, just took a semi break for the holidays and I read the rest of chapter 2 this morning.  I'm just meditating on what I've read today, as well as a conversation I had with a dear friend this afternoon.

She and I text often and as she asked how she could pray for me, I told her my desire to move and to have a decent home for me and my children.  She called me today and said something that has had me thinking ever since.  "Your vision is not big enough."

She said there is nothing wrong with what your desires are and God knows your desires and wants to fulfill them.  However, His word clearly says in Matthew 6:33: Seek first the kingdom of heaven and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you also.
Talk about a way to stop you in your tracks and make you take a look at how you have been viewing things...

She said, look at your life and how you can minister to His children.  Hmmmmmm, take my eyes off of me and my circumstances and put them elsewhere.  Is this coincidental that my eldest daughter said we should find somewhere to serve others this Christmas????
I think not!

11/24/2011

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Today we'll spend time with loved ones and friends.  We'll eat ourselves sick.  We'll watch football.  We'll nap.  We'll eat some more.  Cherish every moment!!!  Let us remember today really isn't about the food we eat, but the ability to be a blessing to others and to be thankful for what we have.
Be thankful and grateful for every blessing great and small and remember to say a prayer for those that won't spend time with loved ones or have a special meal, maybe a loved one was lost recently or far from home.

HAVE A BLESSED THANKSGIVING.....From Our Home to Yours!!

11/23/2011

Thankful...

I may continue Friday with the book, but for today and tomorrow, I just want to relish in my gratitude for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Salvation is a splendid thing and I couldn't imagine going back to NOT being saved.  I am also ever grateful for the sacrifice  on calvary!!!!  I'm so thankful that God in His infinite love did not stop with just salvation, but that HIS love for me is poured out on me daily, even when I don't "feel" it.  He does love me, cherishes me, and sees me as a priceless jewel.
I'm ever thankful that His love is so great that He would not allow me to stay in my misery, but desires to reach down and grab me up from this mire.  He wants me whole and spreading His love.
This Thanksgiving I pray we not focus on the material things we are thankful for...though we are thankful for them, but to direct our eyes and hearts heavenward and realize just how blessed we are...YES, EVEN WHEN WE DON'T FEEL THAT WE ARE AND OUR CIRCUMSTANCES HAVEN'T CHANGED!!!

May God richly bless you and your family!!!

11/22/2011

Ch. 1 Continued and on to Ch. 2

"Dim vision ages us rapidly, and we lose the child likeness that once made us feel like real princes and princesses in a kingdom.  We can be young and yet feel old.  Heavy laden.  Burdened.  In a pit where vision is lost and dreams are foolishness."
Beth Moore


WHEN YOU'RE THROWN INTO THE PIT

Chapter 2 will be read a second time.  So many nuggets in that chapter, it's hard to say one good read of it is enough.  So much to soak up and in.
Thrown into the pit....hmmm sometimes you are thrown into the pit by circumstances or other people.  So as I read, I began to just go over in my mind the ways I've been thrown into this pit.  The loss of loved ones...my father, mother, and brother.  The abandonment from my husband.  The abandonment at the hands of my father through divorce.  The abuse I endured as a child at the hands of strangers and friends of the family.  Allowing others to speak into my life things that are condemning and then believing those words.  Never belonging or fitting in.  And the result of those pits now includes anger, bitterness, blame (self & others and yes, I've blamed God), and unforgiveness (towards self and others).  These things continue to hold me in the pit and dig it deeper and deeper.
How does one get free from all of this???  This is a job for a super God as I allow Him into my heart and life to help pull these things out of me and allow His healing balm to soothe over those broken areas.  This is not an overnight process.  It is not a snap your fingers and it's done kinda thing....though I know God can do that if He chooses to.  However, I think this healing process is going to be gradual and I have no time table for that, but I do want it to be complete.

Joseph was also thrown into a pit and his brothers then sat down to eat.  Now because I'm a visual, this is what I envision.  Here he comes along, he's been bragging, teasing, and rubbing in their faces these dreams he's had.  Not to mention that his father favors him.  He's a spoiled brat.  I think of a pesky little brother doing any and everything to get on my nerves and entice me to knock him upside the head so he can run and tell and I get into even more trouble.  Never mind that he's been asking for it for some time.  Now here he goes to "check up" on them.
"Go Joseph and see what they are up to".  "If they are really doing what I told them and report back to me".
Now he's out there in his colorful coat....further hammering in that he is the favored one.  They want to kill him, but one brother says no, let's not kill him.  Let's just put him in this pit and leave him to die.  That way there isn't really blood on our hands.  Then a caravan of people (I like to think they were gypsies...I have a vivid imagination) come along and they decide let's make money off of him.  We'll sell him into slavery.  Meanwhile, he's begging for mercy, for freedom, he's apologizing like no one's business, he wants to just go home.  However, God gave him a vision, even if he did rub it in their faces.  He had a purpose and a plan to use Joseph to bring about greatness and bring God glory.  Never in a million years did he think he'd have to suffer all of this for his dreams to become a reality.

It is hard to believe that God can and will take all my mess and turn it around for something great.  It's hard to believe that what someone did out of evil, spite, greed, or sickness, God will use to minister to someone else.  It's also hard to believe that I am my own worst enemy and holding myself in this pit through my anger, bitterness, blame, and unforgiveness.

At times this all seems so trivial to me, because I know all this.  So how on God's green earth did I allow myself to be put in this pit and how do I allow myself to hold myself here through all that garbage?  Not rendering excuses, just telling what I know to be true...when you are bombarded with tragedy after tragedy and you never have a moment to process one before you are hit with another tragedy, you can get overwhelmed and eventually you kinda throw your hands up and begin to sink in the quick sand of life's troubles and before you know it, you can't remember how you got there nor how to get out and when you do finally start getting a glimpse of light the slope is so slippery you slip back in due to non-monumental issues of life.

I had a dream of opening an orphanage and owning 100 acres to have my own little community for young people who have been told by the world "you're 18 and grown...go live life" and yet they have no clue how to do that.  I haven't dreamed that dream in a long time, so why did it cross my mind today in the midst of all this mess I'm in????  Only God knows.
I'm off to read chapter 2 again, with highlighter in hand and Bible in tow.

Thank you for praying and allowing me to be real!

11/21/2011

Get Out of That Pit...Ch. 1


Before I go further, I wanted to impress that the pushing of my buttons was not people letting me know what my children were posting on Facebook.  I no longer have Facebook and so I greatly appreciate when people contact me out of concern.  The pushing of my buttons is that I KNOW the enemy is doing ALL he can to ensnare my children.....

I decided not to post on Chapter 1 yesterday, but to just meditate on yesterdays message from church as well as to re-read chapter 1.  I'm still re-reading.  It's not a long chapter, but I'm taking it extra slow.

In the couple of pages I read the first time, tears streamed down my face.  Tears of understanding.  When we think of a pit, as Christians, we more than likely associate it with a pit of sin.  That we are in our despair because of sin.  Now for the most part, that may be true, but as I read on, it seemed to me that the 3 different ways of getting into the pit she describes are all ways I've gotten in.  The sad thing is that so many of us are in this pit and we've begun to decorate it and try to make the most of it and be content.
However, I'm like Beth, I think there are just some things we aren't supposed to be content with and being in the pit is #1!!!

"A pit is an early grave that Satan digs for you in hopes he can bury you alive.  Should you fall into it, make no mistake; he cannot make you stay.  Ironically, neither will God make you leave.  Like it or not, some things are simply up to us.  (This statement will become clearer in another chapter)

Psalms 40:1-3 says I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifter me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.

When all is said and done, this will be my victory message...

She says you know you are in a pit when.....
1. You feel stuck...Isaiah 42:22  This describes me.  I have felt like surely I did something to deserve to get here so I might as well make the most of it and deal with it.
2. You can't stand up...Psalm 69:2  I feel ineffective and powerless against the attacks of the enemy.
3.  You've lost vision...I can tell you this is a dark place, this pit.  There is no vision here.  I look around with a fleeting moment of hope and then suddenly all hope is gone.  Not able to see a way out, I turn inward.  She says "We can't see out, so we turn our sights in.  After a while, nearsightedness breeds hopelessness.  We feel too buried in our present state to feel passionate about a promised future."

THIS IS ME!!!!  THIS IS ME!!!!  Finally, someone understands!!!!!

There is one thing I know, I want out of this pit!  I want my freedom back!  I have not understood the pit, but I have prayed and told God I felt like I was in a grave, a dark place.  There is darkness all around and at times there are glimmers of light, but after you've been digging in the muck for so long, you're too tired to even try and fight for the bit of light you see or you try and you enjoy it for a moment and the enemy hits you with something else and you topple back down to the bottom.  After you've been struck down so many times, you get too tired to even dig and you sit there trying to make the best of it and be content.  And yet I'm constantly saying, Lord this does not feel like the abundant life you promised.  And by that, I don't mean EVERY moment will be sunshine, but it will far outweigh the gloom.  I have fleeting moments of sunshine and the gloom is eating me alive.

I can say I fully understand what my mother went through the last year of her life for sure, but she didn't know how to describe it nor was I fully capable of understanding what she could describe.
This is no cake walk, it is definitely a war.  It is a spiritual war and the enemy is out to steal, kill, and destroy.  He doesn't let up either.  He is relentless until we give up or we FINALLY get to that place of victory through Christ Jesus.  The victory has already been won, you say.  I say it has and I agree, but there is a battle in the spirit realm and in my mind.  The battle is ongoing and I'm fighting for my life!!!!  Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.  The only thing is.....we never know how long the night will last!!!!  As for me, THIS HAS BEEN A LONG NIGHT and I'm ready to wake up!

Thanks for allowing me to be honest.

I'm almost beginning to wonder if this book and Joyce Meyers book...The Battlefield of the Mind should be read simultaneously!!!  


11/19/2011

A Journey Out of That Pit...

I'd like to invite you into my heart, my life, my journey.  I've described a darkness that I've been in that is so oppressive and dark that my very life seems as though it would be snuffed out and at my own hands at that.

I feel a moment of a glimmer of light and within days, sometimes hours, I can be right back in that pit.  I've long since named it, but naming something doesn't mean you get the full meaning of what it is you've named.  (I know it seems I'm going in circles, but stay with me.)
Just a few days ago, I shared how God allowed me to come up out of the despair of depression and darkness.  I felt victorious, as we all should when God brings us through something.  However, I didn't know that just a day or two later I would plunge head first back into that pit.  It started with a thought and I brushed it off.  Then I got a text message about something one of my kids put on Facebook.  (The enemy KNOWS just what it is that will send you over the edge.  He KNOWS how to push your buttons).  Then I got another message about something I had been praying for regarding one of my daughters and saw things slipping from my grip.  I began to speak doubt to myself.  I began to believe lies and replace them for God's truths.  I sent my kids away to my sisters...they were enjoying a sleep over they thought, while I was sinking in the miry clay.
But God does NOT desire any of us to be defeated.  He sacrificed someone so great to conquer defeat so that we wouldn't be subjected to it.

I don't know about any of you, but when I'm depressed, I don't want to be around anyone.  I don't want to talk to anyone.  I just want to be left alone.  However, God had other plans for me today.  My kids wanted to go to the mall.  Anyone that knows me, knows I absolutely loath the mall.  I can't explain it, but I HATE THE MALL.  I totally dislike shopping, unless it's for sewing stuff or books.  So I dropped them off at the mall for an all day excursion and I went to the library, a Christian book store, and JoAnn's Fabric.  LOL
I absolutely had no money to spare, but went to "window shop".  I looked and looked and looked all around.  Enjoying the sights in Mardel's (the Christian book store).  I read quotes on cups, plates, pictures, t-shirts, I looked at their Christmas items and wandered through the kids section.  I remember walking and looking at the big wall art and reading the scriptures and saying aloud to Lord, I want this freedom that these quotes speak of.  I began crying silent tears in regards to the freedom that evades me, and begging God to help me do something.  I said "I know Your word says I can have life more abundantly, I don't want to wait to get to heaven to have it, that's not what Your word promises.  I don't want to live in hell on earth before I get to enjoy Your glory in heaven.  I want it to manifest here on earth and be magnified in heaven!!!!!
I then went to browse the books.  They have expensive books, but they also have bargain books sometimes for $1, $3, $5, and so forth.  I saw a few things that caught my eye, but knew I didn't have the funds to buy any of them.  So I just grazed the pages of some of them.  Then it happened, my eye caught sight of a book for $8.  I read the title again.  I had heard her do a Bible study on a television show regarding this same book.  I read the title again and immediately snatched up the LAST book and put it in my basket.  I took the $8 from my grocery money to buy this book.
Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore.
This woman is a phenomenal teacher and so real and down to earth.  I've seen/heard her in person several times and each time I am always riveted in my seat listening to her speak.

I began reading her book and I hardly ever read the acknowledgements or foreword, but tonight I read even that.  Then I began to pray and pour my heart out to God.  Lord, You can use any song, any person, any book to bring me out of this pit.  I just pray You get me out of the pit.  I read chapter 1 and FINALLY I can't put things into some semblance of understanding for MYSELF and not feel like I'm going crazy!!!!  SHE GETS THIS PIT THING!!!!!!!!!!!  It's easy for us to see someone going through something and share what we would do, say, think, etc.  It's a whole different story when someone has walked the road and wore the shoes!

So, on that note, I welcome you on this journey I'm taking.  Don't bash, don't criticize, don't belittle, but PLEASE PRAY!!!  I will share as much as the Lord allows, and I pray someone else gets out of this pit right along side me.  I wish there were several of us reading this together, but maybe this is a journey God has me on by myself...and for good reason.

I'll share what I've learned from chapter 1 in tomorrow's post, but for now, I thank you for allowing me to be blunt and honest!!!  I'm ready to strip off the masks and tell it like it is!

11/16/2011

Pimping God...

In an earlier post, I told you about a conversation I had with the kids about relationship with Christ and how many of us are pimping God.  I don't mean that in a crude way.  I don't mean to offend, but it WAS the very analogy that God gave me at the time, so I'm going to keep it real.  I won't sugar coat it, but I will share the truth of it.

If we are honest, many of us at some point in our walk with God have done just that, we've pimped Him, or treated Him as our personal santa clause or sugar daddy.  We go to church on Sunday and put in our 2-2 1/2 hours and we come out with this super hero emblem puffed up on our chest.  We did something for God and NOW we're about to get "paid".  We may read a few scriptures hear and there or say a prayer...grace before a meal, and we then have this attitude that we have done right by God.  And the remainder of the time we are out doing our own thing.  Living our lives the way we want and enjoying every minute of it.  Saint on Sunday, Heathen the rest of the time.  Two standards...
and the sad thing is we think He is pleased and SHOULD be satisfied with that!!!!  Then....
we get ticked off when nothing we want or asked for comes to fruition!

OUCH or AMEN...

We now feel God is obligated to BLESS us because we have done our duty.  We have our hands out; gimme is our middle names (and some of our first and last names too)!
We don't understand why God isn't blessing us.  We can't fathom why God has stopped the flow.  If you've ever said or thought...my prayers aren't answered, He doesn't hear me, or this Christian stuff doesn't work.....you've been pimping God!

May I dare say that God is not after being your hook up, your sugar daddy, or your santa claus.  God wants a relationship with you.  He wants to be your best friend and He wants to hang out with you.  Imagine for a moment if you will, You have a friend that never calls you to just say hi or talk.  They never come by to visit you and when you visit them, they don't have time or ignore you all together.  However, if they called and the person that answered the phone said "so and so" is on the phone, your immediate thought would be what do they WANT!
That would be because you have NO RELATIONSHIP!!!
Ever heard someone say...oh they just call when they need something?
You usually nip these types of "friendships" in the bud and cease to entertain all calls from these type of people.
WHY?????  Because you want relationship!!!!

Well, if we as mere humans want something as simple as relationship, what do you think our Great Father in heaven wants?
In Genesis 3:8, They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day..... I'd like to suggest to you that this is because He was accustomed to walking with Adam and Eve and conversing with them as friends do!  They had relationship.  They could talk with and to God, they could walk WITH Him.

There is no way possible to have friendship with the world and God.  We will hate one and love the other!!!
The issue is, what we will not accept as humans from other people, we give to God and expect Him to accept it AND be happy with it!!!  I'd like to challenge you today to examine your relationship with Him.  Search your heart and ask God to search it as well.  Ask Him to show you if you have been putting up a front or if you truly have relationship.  Ask Him to reveal your heart to you and then Ask Him to give you a new heart and teach you how to have relationship with Him.
I've been crying out for a relationship with God like others relationship with Him and TODAY, I realize that every relationship is unique and different in the sense of how He relates to each of us and yet it's not.  He speaks to us through His Word, through music, through nature, or we just may hear His still small voice whispering to us and guiding/directing us.
Read John 15.  I have the New American Standard Bible, I read it there and then looked online and read it in the New Living Translation.  I like to sum up that chapter as the relationship chapter.
God wants to freely bless us, but He does not and will not do so at the expense of relationship with Him.  That is first and foremost....Matthew 6:33 Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven and ALL these things will be added to you!!!  Seek first relationship with God, Seek first His righteousness, Seek first His glory, Seek first His face, Seek first His heart........and all the blessings He has for you in heaven will be manifested here on earth.  IMAGINE if you will that when we get to heaven, God pulls back a curtain and reveals these were "YOUR" blessings.  I had them for you and because you were an heir to the throne, you were entitled to them, but because you didn't seek Me, a relationship, you missed out on these things!  And THESE THINGS don't necessarily have to be material possessions.  It can simply be PEACE!!!!!!

Have a blessed day in the Lord

11/15/2011

I Will Not Be Moved...

This morning, I awoke with the words of a song in my heart.  I don't recall ever really listening to this song.  I do recall hearing it on the radio.  However, these words were bouncing around in my heart AND thoughts and I looked it up on YouTube.
I also prayed today!!!!!!  I actually formulated my heartfelt thoughts into words and brought them before the Lord.  I can't describe to you how good that felt.  It was refreshing.
I pray you enjoy the words to this song! I am not so into the music as I am the words.  ;-)


Light.....After Great Darkness


I FINALLY saw the Light of Hope!!!

I haven't been able to read the Word in over 2 1/2 weeks. Hadn't been able to even open it. Couldn't fully understand why this great attack on me.

Until last night!!!

Well, let me back up. Yesterday morning I took my Bible outside and sat down and actually read about 3 passages in Psalms. That was all I could muster. I prayed briefly and that was about all I could muster. Tinkered on the piano a bit and cried out to God in great anguish.

Took my son to karate and prayed off and on while waiting in the car for an hour.

Got home and told the kids to get their Bibles. We haven't read in 2 1/2 weeks mind you. So kids are looking at me a bit strange. I don't feel like it, but I forge ahead. I don't "feel" like doing this. I don't "feel" like reading or praying. But I push forward even if it's only 5 min.
We briefly talked about relationship with God and how we (those of us in the family that don't have a relationship with God) have basically been pimping God. Do our duty on Sunday and then wait with our hand out the remainder of the week expecting to be lavished with blessings and get angry when we aren't. (another blog post on that later)

Then I began to share with them about this dark time. Why I have been so quiet, afraid, and in tears constantly. Fear of the visions I see. Fear of what I might do to myself. Quiet because I saw no hope and tears because that was all I could bring myself to do, along with begging God to please save me and protect me or else I would surely die.

As I was sharing with them, God began to bring to my rememberance a conversation I had 3 weeks ago. We were talking about fighting for our families and praying for our children that are lost and pushing God further away. I mentioned that I had challenged the enemy the day before. Told him he'd have to kill me before I allowed one of my children to be snared by him. I reminded God of all the promises He gave me for my family and again told the devil he could not have my family and the only way he would get them would be to kill me.

I was told I should never challenge the enemy that way, he will surely do all he can to defeat me. I said if we don't challenge him then we are saying our God has no power and from all I've read, my God has ALL power and ALL things are UNDER His feet. The enemy is in subjection to Him!!!

I forgot about that prayer. I've been begging God to help me understand why I was going through this dark time and to draw me out of it. I can't explain it any better than I have been deathly afraid my time was drawing nigh and that it would be at my own hands.

Little did I realize I would forget that conversation and less than a week later, the enemy began his attack on me and tried to take me out. LITERALLY
Since remembering that conversation and sharing it with the kids, I have felt a heaviness lift off me. I'm cautious but NOT defeated!!!!! For the first time in weeks I felt a ray of hope and saw a glimmer of light!!! It has been a long, hard, rough couple of weeks, but as I think about it, it seems as if it were a wilderness moment. You know in Matthew 3:17 the voice of God declares after Jesus has been baptized, "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." and IMMEDIATELY the next thing we see in Matthew 4:1 is that Jesus is led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. I could feel heaviness all around me, but no one would be there. I could hear movement all around me, but I would be the only one in the room. The sad thing is I would cower in my bed, not fearful of the enemy and his minions that may have been lurking about, but I was afraid of what I would do to myself. I was too weak to "pray" and so I'd just lay here in bed and cry out Lord if You don't save me, I won't be saved. If you don't rescue me, the enemy will win because I am not strong enough to fight this. Sometimes it would just be Lord Help ME!

But last night, something in the Spiritual realm happened. As I shared and remembered, I no longer felt heavy or defeated. The air in the room began to lighten up. I smiled for the first time last night and truly felt it.

Please pray for God's protection upon me and my children. I don't believe he's finished, but angry (the enemy that is). I didn't denounce my Lord though I did stop reading His Word. I didn't stop praying all together, my prayers were more like cries for mercy and questions. Not only is the enemy after my children, he will kill me to move me out of the way!!!!!
But God is greater!
Immediately after sharing with the kids, God put a song upon my heart. I pray this song blesses you as it did me. I sat here listening to it with tears streaming down my face. God has not put a song on my heart in over 2 weeks. Every morning I would wake up with the words of a song in my head and I'd look for it on youtube and that would be my song for the day. I would go have my quiet time and finish up with praise or worship to the particular song God gave me for the day. I had not had that until last night and this is what He gave me!!! Enjoy! 


11/12/2011

What I'd Really Like To Do

I'd really like to teach sewing to children, youth, and teens.  I would eventually like to have a studio in my home.
Am I a good enough sewer?  Can I teach other children?  I began teaching my girls, but unfortunately they didn't want to continue.

Anyone have any ideas????


ALSO::::: on a side note, please email me if you have been unable to leave comments.  hesavedme71@yahoo.com.  I'm really missing comments.

11/10/2011

Discouraged...

The closer it gets to the holidays, the more discouraged I feel.  I truly have no joy in the holidays as I once did.

11/07/2011

I Am Still Around

It's been several days since I've blogged and I've missed it.  It can be very daunting to blog when you feel you really don't have much to say to inspire or encourage others and that is what I'd like my blog to be about...as well as just showing the real side of who I am.
I'll try to give you a "brief" run down of what's going on in my world without boring you to death, or just maybe I will bore you...sorry in advance.  ;-)

We've been dealing with a nasty stomach bug that hit my house twice in two weeks.  SO NOT FUN!!!  However, we are all on the mend now.  I hadn't done much sewing to begin with in the past month and the illness didn't help much either.  I've made some decisions in the past 20 days.  I'm closing my online shop.  I'll actually NOT renew my web thing-a-ma-jig.  I will make a few business cards and as I give items away for gifts, I will include a card with it and people can come to my blog to see pics (I'll put up later) to see some of the things I've made.  I just don't feel motivated any longer to do mass sewing on a continuous basis.  I don't mind doing mass sewing for a craft fair or bazaar, but aside from that, it takes all the fun out of it for me and I want it to still remain enjoyable.  So I guess that answered my question....I am NOT cut out for being a salesman.  Not in the sense of having a shop.

What I really want to do (I don't think any of my friends or family know this) is teach others to sew, even if it's just basic things.  I wish I could start a sewing studio, set up with 5-8 machines at all times and teach beginning sewing.  Then I wonder, do people really want to learn how to sew?  I'm looking into classes at our local homeschool coop as a trial test.  I just wish I had a better place to set up....NOT JoAnn Fabrics.  That's my favorite place to shop, but I don't want to deal with their fees and such.  If I did, I'd basically be making pennies on the dollar....and they'd be taking the dollars. :-/
I know I have to start somewhere, but as a single mama, I need to be able to bring something home with which to feed my children with.

Anyway, I've also been asked to consider doing a devotional.  I'm just wondering, do I have ANYTHING to put in a devotional?  With ALL the thousands out there, WHO would want mine?  Would I gear it towards single moms?  And I'm seriously NOT articulate with my words!  My mother was a word person.  She loved all things words and learning.  I know just enough to get me in trouble!!!  More decisions which to pray about...

And I don't have to tell you, but I will, I'm struggling in my prayer life.  Struggling because I see God at work in my life, but when I look at the massive poverty we still live in and the thought of having to go back to a 9 to 5 in order to provide for my children, it is daunting and I get discouraged.  I'm not even sure which way to pray at times and yet, I keep trudging along...my children are watching.

On to other news.....

The other night I watched a really good and interesting documentary.  Forks Over Knives Now it got me to thinking AGAIN about what we eat.  I had gone the route of trying vegetarian full force and after about 21 days, I went back to my old habits.  Then just this year we gave it a go again, only this time I decided we would only have meet a few times a week.  That went well for a while as well, but yet again, I got lazy and went back to what I was comfortable with.  You know when you know something and are comfortable with it, it doesn't take much brain power to crank out a weekly or monthly menu and shop accordingly and cook accordingly.  It's a serious no brainer, but when you are switching to something so drastically unfamiliar, it takes A LOT of brain power and well, I got lazy!!!
So after watching this documentary, I began to THINK again.  I have heart disease, high blood pressure, anxiety attacks, high cholesterol, and now milk (I LOVE MILK) is doing a number on my stomach.  Now I totally dig veggies.  I enjoy them more than meat, so it's not the meat per say that I'm having an issue with giving up.  I totally LOVE dairy and eggs.  Yet this just may be one of the main culprits contributing to my health issues.  Knowing that, I still want my dairy and eggs.  I can go without milk...sigh.
I can learn to cook with almond or coconut milk, no biggie.  However, I don't know how to go without my cheeses, butter, and eggs!!!!  Well, I have been substituting coconut oil for butter whenever possible...not sure how to do that in baking.  OK, so that leaves me the cheese, eggs, and baking with butter dilemma.  I tried one of those cheese substitutes Daiya......ummm NO!!!!  What happens when I'm craving an omelet?  It doesn't happen often, but we have chickens in our chicken coop and they lay beautiful eggs.  Do I give in to that craving every now and then?  What happens when I want lasagna or a casserole that calls for cheddar cheese?  Or what about Mac N Cheese?  OH MY WORD!!!!!!!  I think this might be a bit easier if I had a nearby vegan friend that I could go to her house and sample her food.  UGHHH

Well, I've given myself until Jan 1, 2012 and I will switch over completely.  I have until then to find things I like to substitute the things I love.  Until then, I am gradually making changes.  I bought almond milk for cooking, not sure what to drink when I have a cookie....:-/  I'm already using coconut oil where I can.  I've switched from whites...flour, sugar, pasta, and rice.  Any vegans following me?  Got any pointers? I have also got to get my garden tilled and begin to compost and fertilize it now so it will be good and ready to go come spring.  Another sad thing is I JUST GOT ALL MY RECIPES CATEGORIZED AND IN 1 BINDER!!!!!  After 3 years I got it done last month and NOW I will have to redo it with vegan recipes. arghhhhhhh ughhhhhhhh

However, I know this is best for my health, so I will do it.  I'm over 260 pounds and I've got over 110 pounds to lose.  Oh My Word...seeing that just made me realize, I'm carrying a whole extra person on me.  No wonder I'm always so tired and lethargic and my heart races out of my chest!!!  Those are some sick numbers.  I've got to be serious about this whole thing...I do want to live a long life and enjoy grandchildren someday.  I can't do that if I'm in the grave because I enjoyed ALL of the things I love about food.

Anyway, that's what's going on in my world.  Ohhhh, and I am still considering moving.  I'm thinking Arkansas or Tennessee.  Just not sure when.  My youngest will be 18 in 2 years.  So then it will just be me moving if he leaves the nest at that age.  We shall see, only God knows!!

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