Just Being Real #1

Today is Father's Day and I opted not to go to church.  There are many reasons why but I won't go into all of that right now.  I will share with you what God is helping me to release.  I don't share for pats on the back, but because someone may be feeling just as I do and just not sure how to express it.

Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Delight- (Strong's Concordance) to be soft, delicate, dainty, to be of dainty habit, be pampered, to be happy about, take exquisite delight, to make merry over, make sport of.
           (Dictionary) To please someone, take great pleasure in.

Do I delight myself in the Lord?  Do I take pleasure in the Lord?  Do I do all that I can within my power to please the Lord?  Am I soft, delicate, dainty?

If I am honest with myself, the answer is no!  Over the past 2 wks, I have waited for the desires of my heart to be given to me without delighting or taking pleasure in the Lord.  I have become complacent, seeking my own good and not the good of the Lord.  I traded the truth for a lie.  And I didn't wonder - God where are you?  I knew He would allow me to be that complacent person until one of two things happened...I came to the end of myself or I became so dry that I began to wither and become no earthly good for the kingdom of God.

One of my squash plants, dry and being taken over by weeds, producing no fruit.

This time I recognized the dry stage before I had to be brought low (serious drought)!  Some would say, How can this be?  You are still in church, still lifting your hands, still saying hallelujah, Thank you Jesus and Praise the Lord.  But we can all put on our mask and fake it and NO ONE would ever be the wiser.  Ahhh, but you and the Lord would know.  See, you can fake people out, but you can't fake yourself or God.  He sees and knows it all.  He's watching my actions and piercing my heart.  He's tapping me on the shoulder and saying daughter these things don't line up.
Sometimes I've run further away from Him.  Sometimes I've run right into His arms.  And there there are those times I've taken a huge sigh and said Lord I know, but sometimes it's easier to go through the motions than to really get down to business and fall on my face and admit I'm faking and need You.  Sometimes it's easier to pretend and let others believe.
However, I'm getting weary of it all.  When I look in the mirror, I don't see what God sees, but I AM THANKFUL HE has not abandoned me and that I'm still a work in progress.
I've relied so heavily on me and very little on God in the past 2 weeks that I'm drained and exhausted.  Yet, because He is no rapist, He sits patiently waiting on me.  Waiting for me to see I have no fruit.  Waiting for me to realize I'm parched.  Waiting for me even though He hurts to see me go further without Him.  He waits!!!
Today I'm like a toddler, though I've been saved for 15 years.  I've fallen and He's picking me up and helping me to balance on my feet while holding His hands.  Today I'm willing to look in the mirror and be honest with myself.  I am NOT a failure, but I have failed at being a wife.  I am failing at being a mother.  And I am failing at being a woman of god, a sister, a friend, simply because I have not relied on Him.
But as I look in that mirror I see, just over my shoulder, His hand reaching for me.  He's waited patiently and now because I've honestly looked in the mirror, He's reaching for me.

Lord I'm empty.  There's nothing good in me that I can see.  Physically I keep going, but reality is I'm exhausted.  Being everything to everyone, Lord that was not my dream.  I'm a little girl that has backed into the corner, slid down the wall, curled into a ball.  I'm crying Lord, I'm hurting, I'm angry, I'm bitter.  Lord, I'm scared!!!  I know what scripture says, but this very real little girl is terrified and gripped with fear.  I want to scream, but no words or sounds pass from my vocal chords. 

I AM HURTING and I want to get rid of this pain.