The
last 5 days have been days of attack from the enemy and me countless
times throwing in the towel. I've been cursed at more times in the last
few days than I care to recall, lied to continuously, and mocked behind
my back.
The
load got too heavy for me to bear and the enemy began to whisper in my
ear. I became too weak to fight and so I began to sink. However, there
were moments I could hear the voice of the Lord calling me and yet it
was so mottled, I could barely decipher what He was saying. I couldn't
pick up the Word, just quote a few scriptures in my distress. This
morning, I know He was calling my name.
My
thoughts have been why such the harsh attack? What was I doing
differently that prompted the enemy to stop at nothing to hit me square
in the gut? I was daily reading from my Promises book and I had begun
to believe His promises once again and stand on them. I was once again
praying and fasting and WHAM!!!!! Out of no where He hit.
The
enemy doesn't mind you saying you are a Christian, he doesn't mind you
reading the scriptures and listening to Christian radio and teachings.
He does want to stop you from believing and standing on the Word of the
Lord. If he can keep you blinded with just a little lie (did God really
say???) then he doesn't have to worry about you doing any damage to his
worldly kingdom.
I
know there will be more and I know things will get dull sounding around
me again and I won't be able to decipher what the Lord is saying, but I do know He
is calling my name. He is not leaving me to the wiles and schemes of
the enemy. One day the pounding, tumultuous attacks from the enemy will
become dull and I will not only be able to hear my Lord, but also
decipher what He is saying.
Today
I will pick up the Word and read. It may only be a few scriptures as I
get my bearings together, but I WILL read. Most of my time will be
spent in prayer as I realign my focus on His promises and hold fast to
them.
Showing posts with label confessions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confessions. Show all posts
4/10/2012
Confessions of My Heart 1
Christmas has come and gone. The mad rush to buy gifts and bake cookies and big meals has passed.
On Dec. 26 I sat watching old television shows and quietly contemplating
things within my heart. As a commercial came on, I sat there and began
to cry. No apparent reason. I began to ask the Lord what is wrong
with me???? Why am I constantly depressed as of late???? Why can't I
get on with life???? Why do I feel stuck and unable to think or do
anything???? As I got quiet and still, I heard softly but clearly, "you
are angry with Me". My thoughts were immediately, no Lord, never. I
could never be angry with You. And then softly but firmly, "You are
angry with God". And the tears began to flow uncontrollably as I
admitted "yes Lord, I am angry with You".
Then a quick fear leaps in and then I realized, if God brought it to my
attention, He's "OK" with my anger towards Him and wants us to deal with it. Relief floods in and I began to pour my hear out to the Lord.
Yes God, I am angry with You!!!
And as I went through the day and lay my head to rest, my constant
prayer was "Lord, help me to understand and give me healing and
restoration".
I awoke this morning, sensing ALL the anger within me towards myself and others as well...
And I began to search...Google, of course ;-)!!!
I wasn't looking for anyone's opinion on the matter. I was actually looking for scriptures specific to my need. I pulled up an article from hope for family. As I read it, I began to cry again, because I could finally understand my great anger and how anger can cause depression (among other things of course, but for me, this is my root cause).
I came across a statement that I've heard and read many times before, but it was made ever so clear and jumped out at me this time. My anger stems from unmet and unfulfilled expectations!!!! Immediately 2 teachings came to mind. Anger Resolution - Bill Gothard & Quieting a Noisy Soul - Jim Berg. This is where I've heard/read this truth before.
And I began to search...Google, of course ;-)!!!
I wasn't looking for anyone's opinion on the matter. I was actually looking for scriptures specific to my need. I pulled up an article from hope for family. As I read it, I began to cry again, because I could finally understand my great anger and how anger can cause depression (among other things of course, but for me, this is my root cause).
I came across a statement that I've heard and read many times before, but it was made ever so clear and jumped out at me this time. My anger stems from unmet and unfulfilled expectations!!!! Immediately 2 teachings came to mind. Anger Resolution - Bill Gothard & Quieting a Noisy Soul - Jim Berg. This is where I've heard/read this truth before.
Now with this revelation and understanding, I'm praying for
healing/restoration in my trust, belief, and walk with God. That
statement contradicts my other blog posts, but when you're being honest
with God, be prepared for things God will over turn and reveal.
Previous statements are true about my faith, but if I want anything
deep, real, and meaningful with God, I've got to get beyond my surface
feelings and words and get real.
For starters, I'm going to go back and listen to and read those
teachings again, followed by more quiet time as I try to be patient and
hear God speak to me again.
Psalms 22: 1-5
1 My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me? Why do you remain so distant? Why do you ignore my cries for help?
2 Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I no relief.
3 Yet You are holy. The praises of Israel surround your throne.
4 Our ancestors trusted in You, and You rescued them.
5 You heard their cries for help and saved them. They put their trust in you and were never disappointed. My hearts cry.....Lord may I get to the point where I cry out to you and you save me, where I put my trust in You and am never disappointed. Help me to grab hold of Your ideals and will for my life and let go of my own. Is this what it means to die to self?
2 Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I no relief.
3 Yet You are holy. The praises of Israel surround your throne.
4 Our ancestors trusted in You, and You rescued them.
5 You heard their cries for help and saved them. They put their trust in you and were never disappointed. My hearts cry.....Lord may I get to the point where I cry out to you and you save me, where I put my trust in You and am never disappointed. Help me to grab hold of Your ideals and will for my life and let go of my own. Is this what it means to die to self?
5/31/2011
I lied...
There I said it. I confess and admit it, I lied. It took me 10 months to come to that realization and then admit it.
Ten months ago I "really thought" I heard the Lord's leading in quitting my job and working closer to home for less pay and so on and so on. It is still my greatest desire to be closer to home, but I did things in my own timing and not the Lords.
As I have been examining myself and asking the Lord to examine my heart over the last month, I've come to understand what exactly took place.
This thing called grief (deep sorrow, great distress); it effects people in many different ways. When my father passed, I threw myself into my family and homemaking. I was dealing with the loss, but at my pace. I allowed myself those moments of depression that caused me to sleep late in the day or cry late into the night. I just allowed it to sweep over me however it chose to. It took me 5 years to be able to say his name without crying. I've never known grief such as that. Then my husband left and there was grief with that, but nothing compared to my father's death. I suppose because the Lord had been preparing me through dreams and visions. I grieved, but I dealt with it.
Then my mother passed and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The grief from losing my mother caused the very breath within me to appear to stop. And just months after that, my husband left again. I was hit with a double whammy of devastation that caused my heart to cease to beat and the life within me to dry up. I forgot how to breath. I forgot how to truly do anything of meaning. I did things out of rote. There were weekends I didn't get out of bed, didn't brush my teeth, or comb my hair. There were weekends I didn't even bathe. I just existed. My desire to be home grew beyond me and I began to listen to my heart over His will.
Thus I "felt" the Lord telling me it was time. God does everything decent and in order and I went way beyond that.
As I look back now, my home based business was no where near ready to sustain/support me and my children. I've still got so much to learn. I dream big and this was no different. So I walked away from my job and have struggled to exist over the last 10 months. I said this would be a time for me to draw closer to God and it has....TRULY!!!
Now I can see things for what they really were. My heart was in agony, my life in turmoil and honestly, I didn't know what to do. I talked to people, but for whatever reason, my entire heart was not poured out. People thought I was coping well. I wasn't. I was dying and no one could hear my screams. I was within a prison and no one knew. My grief, taken to another level, caused me to do some very irrational things. And then I prayed...God why did You bring me to this point if You were going to allow it to be this way. Now I know it was my own doing and though He has never left or forsaken me, He did step back and let me stumble. Yea, I did need these 10 months to come to the end of myself and come to the understanding of Him. He did have to allow this to be. If it had not, I would not have come to this point in my walk with Him.
One of the associate pastors preached Sunday and that's when the major light bulb went off. He was talking about going through the valley and how God is with us. Some of the valleys are just a fact of life we must deal with, some are valleys of growth, and some are valleys of our own doing; and then he specifically mentioned grieving and you quit your job because the grief was too great. Beyond that, I don't know what he said and will have to get the cd. This is exactly what I did and I was incapable of articulating that to anyone. How could I make someone else understand it when I myself did not understand it?
The sensible thing to do would have been to go to the doctor, explain what was going on, allow him to request I take some time off and let my short term disability kick in while I was just able to seek counseling and come to grips with my grief. My mind was not functioning in a proper state though and so I would have never come to this conclusion. I myself thought I was coping as well. I had no idea that I needed more intervention or time. You see I took off work from Dec. 3 of 2009 to Jan. 4 of 2010. My mother's funeral had just been a week before my return to work. I was inundated with so much when in reality I just needed time to grieve.
So I did some foolish thing by quitting my job and plummeting my family in great poverty. Going through valleys I didn't necessarily have to go through, but which God has used and is using for His glory. This has been a hard and bitter road at times. I've struggled with forgiving myself and having to relearn just who this God is I serve. Now I deal with losing my home and having to search for employment at a time when millions of others are searching too. My time limit is short, these things must be done by the end of August so I can move from the very place I love. Yet, I believe in a God who is faithful. He keeps His promises to His children. He has provided and will continue to do so. Right now the task at hand is daunting and looks very bleak, but God knew exactly what I would need before the hand of time even began. I am trusting in an everlasting God that is able to exceed my greatest dream. I'm clinging to His hand with each step I take, not sure where we're going, but certain of the one who is leading. He has my best interest at heart and I now can say I KNOW Him for myself!!!!
Ten months ago I "really thought" I heard the Lord's leading in quitting my job and working closer to home for less pay and so on and so on. It is still my greatest desire to be closer to home, but I did things in my own timing and not the Lords.
As I have been examining myself and asking the Lord to examine my heart over the last month, I've come to understand what exactly took place.
This thing called grief (deep sorrow, great distress); it effects people in many different ways. When my father passed, I threw myself into my family and homemaking. I was dealing with the loss, but at my pace. I allowed myself those moments of depression that caused me to sleep late in the day or cry late into the night. I just allowed it to sweep over me however it chose to. It took me 5 years to be able to say his name without crying. I've never known grief such as that. Then my husband left and there was grief with that, but nothing compared to my father's death. I suppose because the Lord had been preparing me through dreams and visions. I grieved, but I dealt with it.
Then my mother passed and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The grief from losing my mother caused the very breath within me to appear to stop. And just months after that, my husband left again. I was hit with a double whammy of devastation that caused my heart to cease to beat and the life within me to dry up. I forgot how to breath. I forgot how to truly do anything of meaning. I did things out of rote. There were weekends I didn't get out of bed, didn't brush my teeth, or comb my hair. There were weekends I didn't even bathe. I just existed. My desire to be home grew beyond me and I began to listen to my heart over His will.
Thus I "felt" the Lord telling me it was time. God does everything decent and in order and I went way beyond that.
As I look back now, my home based business was no where near ready to sustain/support me and my children. I've still got so much to learn. I dream big and this was no different. So I walked away from my job and have struggled to exist over the last 10 months. I said this would be a time for me to draw closer to God and it has....TRULY!!!
Now I can see things for what they really were. My heart was in agony, my life in turmoil and honestly, I didn't know what to do. I talked to people, but for whatever reason, my entire heart was not poured out. People thought I was coping well. I wasn't. I was dying and no one could hear my screams. I was within a prison and no one knew. My grief, taken to another level, caused me to do some very irrational things. And then I prayed...God why did You bring me to this point if You were going to allow it to be this way. Now I know it was my own doing and though He has never left or forsaken me, He did step back and let me stumble. Yea, I did need these 10 months to come to the end of myself and come to the understanding of Him. He did have to allow this to be. If it had not, I would not have come to this point in my walk with Him.
One of the associate pastors preached Sunday and that's when the major light bulb went off. He was talking about going through the valley and how God is with us. Some of the valleys are just a fact of life we must deal with, some are valleys of growth, and some are valleys of our own doing; and then he specifically mentioned grieving and you quit your job because the grief was too great. Beyond that, I don't know what he said and will have to get the cd. This is exactly what I did and I was incapable of articulating that to anyone. How could I make someone else understand it when I myself did not understand it?
The sensible thing to do would have been to go to the doctor, explain what was going on, allow him to request I take some time off and let my short term disability kick in while I was just able to seek counseling and come to grips with my grief. My mind was not functioning in a proper state though and so I would have never come to this conclusion. I myself thought I was coping as well. I had no idea that I needed more intervention or time. You see I took off work from Dec. 3 of 2009 to Jan. 4 of 2010. My mother's funeral had just been a week before my return to work. I was inundated with so much when in reality I just needed time to grieve.
So I did some foolish thing by quitting my job and plummeting my family in great poverty. Going through valleys I didn't necessarily have to go through, but which God has used and is using for His glory. This has been a hard and bitter road at times. I've struggled with forgiving myself and having to relearn just who this God is I serve. Now I deal with losing my home and having to search for employment at a time when millions of others are searching too. My time limit is short, these things must be done by the end of August so I can move from the very place I love. Yet, I believe in a God who is faithful. He keeps His promises to His children. He has provided and will continue to do so. Right now the task at hand is daunting and looks very bleak, but God knew exactly what I would need before the hand of time even began. I am trusting in an everlasting God that is able to exceed my greatest dream. I'm clinging to His hand with each step I take, not sure where we're going, but certain of the one who is leading. He has my best interest at heart and I now can say I KNOW Him for myself!!!!
2/24/2009
Admission/Confession
Prayerfully no one will take this the wrong way...but as sat here today reading up on every ones blogs, something hit me. You know, like one of those gut punches that takes your breath away. I know the Lord is not done dealing with me on this matter yet, but the first part is the admission and the confession. The hardest part for me. OK, well one of the hardest parts, because I still have to work through it.
It is not easy to admit or confess but these things must be done if healing is to take place; and I'm ready for healing.
I follow several blogs, but some of them belong to some of my dearest, most cherished friends. And ladies, please DO NOT stop sharing with me. As I was catching up on the happenings of some of their lives, I began to feel this ache deep within me. This feeling that goes from sheer joy to gut wrenching anxiety and bottoms out as temporary depression. It doesn't last long...I have a come to Jesus meeting and then I'm OK. My happiness for my friends is still constant through all of this but I've got to be honest and begin to take baby steps towards complete healing. (Lord will it ever be COMPLETE?)
I struggle with the spirits of envy and jealousy. They seem to be best friends. In my minds eye, they are the heart of covetousness and it's rooted deep within me. I fight it daily and I do mean F I G H T! I love to hear about their marriages and their children, their new blessings within their wombs, their day to day lives of home-schooling and homesteading activities. However, there are times when I am down right jealous and envious of them. Those times I become angry with myself, angry with my estranged husband; and yes, angry with God.
I also struggle with a monstrous spirit of anger. I am angry with or at my estranged husband. At times that anger builds up into rage and my heart begins to race and the tears begin to flow. Much like it is right now. These emotions that cause me to forget that God said to bless those that curse you. This is a feeling I wish for no one to experience, it borders on sheer hatred and I'm not pleased to go there.
Ladies, you are blessed beyond measure. I won't call out names, you know who you are. Cherish your husbands, don't take them for granted. Thank God for them daily and when they do something that irritates you, remember it's just a minor thing. Love on your children and realize that you are in the best place...at home. Raise them for His glory and His kingdom. Enjoy every moment with them, even when you feel frustrated and feel like you want to pull your hair out, and you're wondering "WHY am I doing this"? Every day is fleeting and every moment temporary. You are right where He wants you to be.
I thank you for your friendship. I cherish your encouragement. I covet your prayers. And I will do my best to remember that this battle is NOT mine, but the Lords!
It is not easy to admit or confess but these things must be done if healing is to take place; and I'm ready for healing.
I follow several blogs, but some of them belong to some of my dearest, most cherished friends. And ladies, please DO NOT stop sharing with me. As I was catching up on the happenings of some of their lives, I began to feel this ache deep within me. This feeling that goes from sheer joy to gut wrenching anxiety and bottoms out as temporary depression. It doesn't last long...I have a come to Jesus meeting and then I'm OK. My happiness for my friends is still constant through all of this but I've got to be honest and begin to take baby steps towards complete healing. (Lord will it ever be COMPLETE?)
I struggle with the spirits of envy and jealousy. They seem to be best friends. In my minds eye, they are the heart of covetousness and it's rooted deep within me. I fight it daily and I do mean F I G H T! I love to hear about their marriages and their children, their new blessings within their wombs, their day to day lives of home-schooling and homesteading activities. However, there are times when I am down right jealous and envious of them. Those times I become angry with myself, angry with my estranged husband; and yes, angry with God.
I also struggle with a monstrous spirit of anger. I am angry with or at my estranged husband. At times that anger builds up into rage and my heart begins to race and the tears begin to flow. Much like it is right now. These emotions that cause me to forget that God said to bless those that curse you. This is a feeling I wish for no one to experience, it borders on sheer hatred and I'm not pleased to go there.
Ladies, you are blessed beyond measure. I won't call out names, you know who you are. Cherish your husbands, don't take them for granted. Thank God for them daily and when they do something that irritates you, remember it's just a minor thing. Love on your children and realize that you are in the best place...at home. Raise them for His glory and His kingdom. Enjoy every moment with them, even when you feel frustrated and feel like you want to pull your hair out, and you're wondering "WHY am I doing this"? Every day is fleeting and every moment temporary. You are right where He wants you to be.
I thank you for your friendship. I cherish your encouragement. I covet your prayers. And I will do my best to remember that this battle is NOT mine, but the Lords!
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