Changes...

So much going on and so many changes.  We are moving, but not the way we had planned it nor when we had planned it.  We have lost the house and they will pick the trailer up any day now.  We will be moving in with a friend for a short time.  She's actually giving me a year to get back on my feet, but I'm aiming for 6 months.  We shall see what happens.

We are about 99% packed and should be moved out completely by the 5th.k

There are days I want to curl up in a ball and sleep away all the mess, but I wake each morning pushing forward.  Grief and nervous break downs are no joke.  I'll begin counseling soon again.  I shouldn't have stopped, but I'll get back on track.

I'm still in school, actually have a final tomorrow and then the next semester starts up on the 10th.  I'll be taking 2 classes and then Fall classes begin sometime in August.  I'm going to be BUSY!!!!  

Tasha

Fast

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged.  I can’t say if I’ve really missed it or not.  I’ve been enjoying spending more time with God and trying to get used to the new changes within my household.  

The next several posts for the next few days will be a compilation of the things that have happened over the last few weeks.  

Now, where to begin?  Each year our church holds a Solemn Assembly.  This is the church taking the first week of the new year and dedicating it to the Lord through fasting and praying as a church body as well as families and individuals. 

The week before that, I knew we were getting ready to go into this consecrated time and I had begun to pray and ask God how He wanted me to approach this time of fasting and praying.  I knew in my heart that I wanted to hear from the Lord and I wanted this time to be different.  Immediately God impressed upon my heart to do a full fast and to fast from the internet as well.  And I knew this was a fast that God had chosen.  Isaiah 58:5-12

When we arrived at church that Sunday, the Pastor gave different instructions; to fast from ONE meal of our choosing and from ONE other thing that consumes a lot of our time.  Sounded like what I was going to do anyway, except the meal part.  I sat there and prayed, “Lord they are only fasting from one meal...I could just follow them.”  He instructed me to obey the fast He had chosen and I knew in my heart that was what I needed and had to do.  I knew with expectancy that God was going to speak to me through this fast.

This was NOT a fast where He spoke to me, but a fast in which HE broke the chains of depression and suicide from me.  I can only recall 2 other fasts in the last 5 years in which the Lord spoke to me or broke some bondage from my life.  2011 was a great year of testing and tempting from the enemy for me.  Many times there was a weight and spirit of depression/suicide upon me.  Not many know the depths within which I fought to keep from taking my life.  There were times I could only lay in my bed and cry out the name of Jesus.  I couldn’t read, couldn’t sing, couldn’t pray....I could only call out the name Jesus and beg for Him to save me.  I knew in my limited frame of understanding that if I were to come through that time, it would only be because of Jesus and nothing that I had done in my own works.  And sure enough, He did bring me through but in the first week of 2012, He broke the bondage from me.  

I knew the moment it broke from my life.  I awoke on that Tuesday with a smile on my face and knew a lightness in my heart that I had not felt in over a year.  I knew the season of the deep valley of the shadow of death was over and the joy of the Lord was upon me.  

I actually went through the rest of the fast without a desire for food.  My sister and I talked about various recipes and she continually apologized for “tempting” me, but not once was I even yearning for food.  The only difference this time is that my children are much older than the first time I ever fasted, so I never had to cook meals.  They took care of the meals themselves.  

The following Sunday, I was able to give an amazing testimony to several people about the goodness of the Lord and what He had accomplished during the fast He had chosen.  He also gave me a new heart and desire for my marriage.  I prayed at the end of the fast that God would continue to call me to a fast of His choosing throughout this year.  

Isaiah 55:6 Seek the Lord while He may be found; Call upon Him while He is near.

Isaiah 55:8-11 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways, “declares the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.  “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty without accomplishing what I desire and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.

A Journey Out of That Pit...

I'd like to invite you into my heart, my life, my journey.  I've described a darkness that I've been in that is so oppressive and dark that my very life seems as though it would be snuffed out and at my own hands at that.

I feel a moment of a glimmer of light and within days, sometimes hours, I can be right back in that pit.  I've long since named it, but naming something doesn't mean you get the full meaning of what it is you've named.  (I know it seems I'm going in circles, but stay with me.)
Just a few days ago, I shared how God allowed me to come up out of the despair of depression and darkness.  I felt victorious, as we all should when God brings us through something.  However, I didn't know that just a day or two later I would plunge head first back into that pit.  It started with a thought and I brushed it off.  Then I got a text message about something one of my kids put on Facebook.  (The enemy KNOWS just what it is that will send you over the edge.  He KNOWS how to push your buttons).  Then I got another message about something I had been praying for regarding one of my daughters and saw things slipping from my grip.  I began to speak doubt to myself.  I began to believe lies and replace them for God's truths.  I sent my kids away to my sisters...they were enjoying a sleep over they thought, while I was sinking in the miry clay.
But God does NOT desire any of us to be defeated.  He sacrificed someone so great to conquer defeat so that we wouldn't be subjected to it.

I don't know about any of you, but when I'm depressed, I don't want to be around anyone.  I don't want to talk to anyone.  I just want to be left alone.  However, God had other plans for me today.  My kids wanted to go to the mall.  Anyone that knows me, knows I absolutely loath the mall.  I can't explain it, but I HATE THE MALL.  I totally dislike shopping, unless it's for sewing stuff or books.  So I dropped them off at the mall for an all day excursion and I went to the library, a Christian book store, and JoAnn's Fabric.  LOL
I absolutely had no money to spare, but went to "window shop".  I looked and looked and looked all around.  Enjoying the sights in Mardel's (the Christian book store).  I read quotes on cups, plates, pictures, t-shirts, I looked at their Christmas items and wandered through the kids section.  I remember walking and looking at the big wall art and reading the scriptures and saying aloud to Lord, I want this freedom that these quotes speak of.  I began crying silent tears in regards to the freedom that evades me, and begging God to help me do something.  I said "I know Your word says I can have life more abundantly, I don't want to wait to get to heaven to have it, that's not what Your word promises.  I don't want to live in hell on earth before I get to enjoy Your glory in heaven.  I want it to manifest here on earth and be magnified in heaven!!!!!
I then went to browse the books.  They have expensive books, but they also have bargain books sometimes for $1, $3, $5, and so forth.  I saw a few things that caught my eye, but knew I didn't have the funds to buy any of them.  So I just grazed the pages of some of them.  Then it happened, my eye caught sight of a book for $8.  I read the title again.  I had heard her do a Bible study on a television show regarding this same book.  I read the title again and immediately snatched up the LAST book and put it in my basket.  I took the $8 from my grocery money to buy this book.
Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore.
This woman is a phenomenal teacher and so real and down to earth.  I've seen/heard her in person several times and each time I am always riveted in my seat listening to her speak.

I began reading her book and I hardly ever read the acknowledgements or foreword, but tonight I read even that.  Then I began to pray and pour my heart out to God.  Lord, You can use any song, any person, any book to bring me out of this pit.  I just pray You get me out of the pit.  I read chapter 1 and FINALLY I can't put things into some semblance of understanding for MYSELF and not feel like I'm going crazy!!!!  SHE GETS THIS PIT THING!!!!!!!!!!!  It's easy for us to see someone going through something and share what we would do, say, think, etc.  It's a whole different story when someone has walked the road and wore the shoes!

So, on that note, I welcome you on this journey I'm taking.  Don't bash, don't criticize, don't belittle, but PLEASE PRAY!!!  I will share as much as the Lord allows, and I pray someone else gets out of this pit right along side me.  I wish there were several of us reading this together, but maybe this is a journey God has me on by myself...and for good reason.

I'll share what I've learned from chapter 1 in tomorrow's post, but for now, I thank you for allowing me to be blunt and honest!!!  I'm ready to strip off the masks and tell it like it is!

I lied...

There I said it.  I confess and admit it, I lied.  It took me 10 months to come to that realization and then admit it.
Ten months ago I "really thought" I heard the Lord's leading in quitting my job and working closer to home for less pay and so on and so on.  It is still my greatest desire to be closer to home, but I did things in my own timing and not the Lords.
As I have been examining myself and asking the Lord to examine my heart over the last month, I've come to understand what exactly took place.

This thing called grief (deep sorrow, great distress); it effects people in many different ways.  When my father passed, I threw myself into my family and homemaking.  I was dealing with the loss, but at my pace.  I allowed myself those moments of depression that caused me to sleep late in the day or cry late into the night.  I just allowed it to sweep over me however it chose to.  It took me 5 years to be able to say his name without crying.  I've never known grief such as that.  Then my husband left and there was grief with that, but nothing compared to my father's death.  I suppose because the Lord had been preparing me through dreams and visions.  I grieved, but I dealt with it.
Then my mother passed and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  The grief from losing my mother caused the very breath within me to appear to stop.  And just months after that, my husband left again.  I was hit with a double whammy of devastation that caused my heart to cease to beat and the life within me to dry up.  I forgot how to breath.  I forgot how to truly do anything of meaning.  I did things out of rote.  There were weekends I didn't get out of bed, didn't brush my teeth, or comb my hair.  There were weekends I didn't even bathe.  I just existed.  My desire to be home grew beyond me and I began to listen to my heart over His will.
Thus I "felt" the Lord telling me it was time.  God does everything decent and in order and I went way beyond that.
As I look back now, my home based business was no where near ready to sustain/support me and my children.  I've still got so much to learn.  I dream big and this was no different.  So I walked away from my job and have struggled to exist over the last 10 months.  I said this would be a time for me to draw closer to God and it has....TRULY!!!
Now I can see things for what they really were.   My heart was in agony, my life in turmoil and honestly, I didn't know what to do.  I talked to people, but for whatever reason, my entire heart was not poured out.  People thought I was coping well.  I wasn't. I was dying and no one could hear my screams.  I was within a prison and no one knew.  My grief, taken to another level, caused me to do some very irrational things.  And then I prayed...God why did You bring me to this point if You were going to allow it to be this way.  Now I know it was my own doing and though He has never left or forsaken me, He did step back and let me stumble.  Yea, I did need these 10 months to come to the end of myself and come to the understanding of Him.  He did have to allow this to be.  If it had not, I would not have come to this point in my walk with Him.
One of the associate pastors preached Sunday and that's when the major light bulb went off.  He was talking about going through the valley and how God is with us.  Some of the valleys are just a fact of life we must deal with, some are valleys of growth, and some are valleys of our own doing; and then he specifically mentioned grieving and you quit your job because the grief was too great.  Beyond that, I don't know what he said and will have to get the cd.  This is exactly what I did and I was incapable of articulating that to anyone.  How could I make someone else understand it when I myself did not understand it?
The sensible thing to do would have been to go to the doctor, explain what was going on, allow him to request I take some time off and let my short term disability kick in while I was just able to seek counseling and come to grips with my grief.  My mind was not functioning in a proper state though and so I would have never come to this conclusion.  I myself thought I was coping as well.  I had no idea that I needed more intervention or time.  You see I took off work from Dec. 3 of 2009 to Jan. 4 of 2010.  My mother's funeral had just been a week before my return to work.  I was inundated with so much when in reality I just needed time to grieve.
So I did some foolish thing by quitting my job and plummeting my family in great poverty. Going through valleys I didn't necessarily have to go through, but which God has used and is using for His glory.  This has been a hard and bitter road at times.  I've struggled with forgiving myself and having to relearn just who this God is I serve.  Now I deal with losing my home and having to search for employment at a time when millions of others are searching too.  My time limit is short, these things must be done by the end of August so I can move from the very place I love.  Yet, I believe in a God who is faithful. He keeps His promises to His children.  He has provided and will continue to do so.  Right now the task at hand is daunting and looks very bleak, but God knew exactly what I would need before the hand of time even began.  I am trusting in an everlasting God that is able to exceed my greatest dream.  I'm clinging to His hand with each step I take, not sure where we're going, but certain of the one who is leading.  He has my best interest at heart and I now can say I KNOW Him for myself!!!!

Life...it's HARD!

This thing called life is hard.  I can't do anything on my own.  I need God every step of the way.  Yet, even my walk with God is not as easy as pie either.  I struggle so much with trust, faith, and fear.  This was my struggle and my cry to the Lord this morning around 4:30AM.  I sat on the side of my bed and told God just that, that this is hard and I am unable to do this faith walk on my own.

I awoke early Wednesday morning to a knock on the door.  A FedEx driver stood there with an envelope in her hand.  I sensed it wasn't good news.  I opened it and there was a letter from the auto finance company.  I know that auto companies will reposes your car if you are 3 months or more behind, but this is one of the notorious banks that is known for not doing anything within the "norm".  So with one payment behind and $170 in late fees, they were notifying me that I needed to make full payment by Friday, December 31st or our van would be repossesed.  I immediately called to work out a payment arrangement.  The first person I spoke with was rude and down right condescending.  It's really sad how heartless some people are....I could never be a bill collector.  After relentless questions and sarcasm, she transfered me to yet another woman.
This woman was compassionate and began to work our arrangements with me to make payments.  She gave me until December 31st to send in a payment of $170 and defer the one late payment.  I got off the phone bewildered, where would I get $170+the $76 for the house and I still have 3 bills unpaid, but one that needs to be paid by the 31st as well.  In a matter of days I went from needing $76 by Friday to needing $320 by Friday!!!!!!!!

Jesus, help me.  I can't live like this.  I can't keep wondering how our bills will be paid.  I would just like to know that each month we won't have to worry about our bills, that we would at least have that security.  I'd like to take a deep breath and not have my chest hurt, not have a panic attack, or my head hurt because my blood pressure has sky rocketed.  Lord, I'm not strong enough, my faith isn't great enough, and I'm consumed with fear.  I can't do this anymore Lord, I simply can't do this anymore.  I believe and will never denounce you, but my faith is so dry.

I took a half of an anxiety pill and laid down.  I slept soundly for about 4 1/2 hours.  I awoke to a donation via Gleaning the harvest of $140.  That added with the money my daughter gave me from her job totaled $190.  I at least had the money for the car or the van, but not both.  I looked at the money and said a silent Thank You Jesus and walked away.  Later this evening, my daughter brought me $60 that she had put away for spending.  We're up to $250....lacking $70 and the need for gas money for a week as well.  Again, a Thank You Jesus, I see You at work and I do believe, help my unbelief!
My other daughter looked in my nightstand drawer because that's where I keep the money my daughter gives me for gas and way at the back of the drawer was........another $125!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Have you added that up yet????  A total of $375 in a little over 24 hours!  $320 for bills by Friday and $55 for gas!!!

WHO IS LIKE THE LORD?????? NOBODY!!!!!

THIS is hard!!!  I like to know my bills are in order and paid for the moment they come in.  The last 5 months have been one of great tests.  Tests I've failed and some I've passed.  Will I ever get it?  Will I ever get to the place of total dependence and trust in God?  Will I ever have faith greater than a mustard seed?  Will I ever NOT doubt His love and provision for me and my children?  WILL I EVER??????

Maybe not 100% on this side of heaven, but I think I have enough to hold on to the hem of His garment for dear life and confess to Him...Lord I can't do this and I'm scared.  And because He's a great God, He says I know and wraps me in His arms and moves mountains I can't possibly move on my own.

I may never be a Moses, Joshua, Peter, or Paul, but God is at work in my heart and life.  I don't know what the completed purpose is for, but I know He's using it for His good.  I'll worry and fear again, and again God will hear my cry and move in my life.

Update on Housing Situation

Well, we have approximately 3 weeks to come up with $1600 and then begin making our regular payments of $369 beginning Dec. 5 or prepare our departure.  I'm a bit down, as I am not sure what we will do.  Nothing has happened at this point, no open doors or windows.  I still know that God is able, even in the final hour.  So I'm trying to remain focused on Christ....it's hard but I'll keep pressing forward and trusting.  My children remain so brave and their faith is unwavering...believing God will provide us a home.

Please continue to lift us up before the Lord.

Thank you!!!!

Weary...Depression...Blessings...

And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. Galatians 6:9

Sadly, this is where I find myself today.  Among the praise, the provisions, the blessings...I find myself weary with our housing situation.  We still don't have a deadline and I am ever thankful for that.  We still have a roof over our heads and that is a blessing all on its own.
I'm one of those people that likes to have all my ducks in order and the limbo setting is nerve racking to me.  One of those, if I at least knew we would have a home to move into soon, then I'd have at least one answer.  I could move my mind to something else.

I know God hears me, I know the answer is already done in heaven and must come forth on earth.  I'm in the phase of wondering "how long"?  Everything just seems to be in limbo and I don't do well without stability and routine.  I'm wondering if I am out of the Will of God because I have no peace, only chaos and uncertainty.

I'm also dealing with some depression.  I feel it creeping in slowly.  I've been doing my best to think of the months in numbers and not names, but then someone reminded me that this is November and with that came the realization that we are coming up on the 1st Thanksgiving without my mom and then just weeks later the 1st yr. of her death.  I'm dreading it all and I'm wishing these months would just vanish away for this year.

With all of that going on, we have been blessed beyond measure in the last few weeks.  People from all over have blessed us with prayers, finances, and kind words.  I am so thankful for each of them.  This is what the body of Christ is supposed to look like!!!  To see the outpouring from so many has been mind boggling.  I can't even grasp a full understanding of it all.  Thank you just seems so inadequate to express how I feel.  My heart is overwhelmed.  Yet, I praise God for each of you!!!!

Ok, off to kinda think of some gifts for my sisters for Christmas.  I'm thinking lap quilts with some of the scraps I have around here or maybe matching napkins and placemats.  Any ideas?