7/08/2008

Prayer of Blessing - 1 Chronicles 4:9-10

Bless me indeed: Give me a surplus of your goodness upon my life.

Enlarge my border: Expand my capacity to receive all You have for me.

Keep Your hand on me: May I not lose sight of my absolute dependency on You for whatever is to come my way.

Keep me from evil: Protect me from harming myself as well as the harm others could bring upon me.

7/07/2008

Darkness/Light (sidebar)

Some have written with great concern over my last entry. I want to say that this is not the first time I have been in a dark spot. This just happened to be a VERY dark spot in my life. In each dark spot (there have only been 2), I knew that God was with me and that this was something I had to go through in order to get to another level that God was taking me.

I can now rejoice, even though those times were rough, ugly and extremely dark, my God brought me through. He would not allow me to call anyone or confide in anyone. He walked with me in this time, even though I felt alone. I clearly recall a moment while sitting on my bed in the "dark" that as long as I called the name of Jesus, I felt His presence even in the oppression. It was when I stopped calling His name that I felt so utterly alone. Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep calling on the name of Jesus.

There is just something about that name!!!!

Anyway, please don't be overly concerned in that I will harm myself, I won't. I trust that God has held me in His hands and will continue to do so, even when He allows me to go to the darkest of pits. I feel it is for the benefit of others that I am allowed to venture into the pit. Thankfully it has only been twice. But since I have voiced a desire to be a pastors wife and to counsel other wives, as well as to go on mission trips, I know I have to go through some things in order to not only be a testimony for others, but to also know where they are coming from and help them through.

God is good and more than able to conquer the enemy who has no power. My God is able to do more than I can imagine and I fully expect that! ;->

Continue to pray for me as I go along on this journey. I know God will work it out in the end and it will be for His glory. In the meantime, I also know I need to be covered by the blood of Christ and prayers from fellow sisters and brothers in Christ.

7/03/2008

Darkness/Light

Again I've been through a dark period of depression in my life, but this was darker than any other I have ever experienced in my life.

Let me start back to the week of June 22-28, 2008. I had begun to read a book recommended to me by a friend; Reclaiming Surrendered Ground by Jim Logan. Anyone that knows me, knows I love books and I am a fast reader; however, with this book, it is taking me some time to get through it. Not because it isn't good, on the contrary, it is very good and very eye opening. I haven't been able to read this book as quickly as I am used to because the enemy is doing everything to hinder me from completing it. I truely believe that there will be even more breakthrough for me and my family upon completing this book.

NOWWWWWW, this book talks about how/what we have done to give the enemy a foothold into our lives, what the enemy is after, how he uses each person to get through to the next generation, and then in goes into how to reclaim ground you have surrendered to the enemy and how to help others break free as well. The way I explained it to my children is we have allowed the enemy to have parts of our lives and we have basically said "here you go satan you can have this part of my life, do whatever you wish with it, I give you complete control".

On Monday June 23, 2008, God began to reveal a couple of areas where I had done just that, given the enemy an area in my life to control. I repented, confessed it as sin, and asked God to reign in that area of my life. Tue. morning I woke up and immediately knew I was headed into a state of depression. I also knew that it would be like no other that I had ever experienced.

No matter how many people were around me, on the surface I could fake it, but on the inside I was being tormented. It was getting darker and darker and I began to think of ways to committ suicide. My children were with their father and this would be a good time because they would not be the ones to find me. I had it all thought out and planned. I didn't want to use a gun, it would hurt. I could use pills and just go to sleep, but I had none. I could drive off a bridge on my way to work or on my way home from work, but my sister carpools with me and I couldn't do that to her. I have to tell you the enemy was working over time. He continued to whisper in my ear how bad a person/mother I am. How much of a failure I am. How I had ruined my children's lives. How I had ruined my husbands life. How terrible a mother I was because I couldn't spend time with my children because I have to work. How I would contaminate the people around me. I talked to my children and my oldest daughter evidently heard something in my voice because she continued to ask me if I was ok. I did the best I could to reassure her that I was, but she knew something was not right. But even in talking to them, the enemy taunted me...they even sound happier without you. They are having so much fun, there is no way they are missing you, just let them be in peace without you and have a good life. On and on it went.

Wednesday night I am sitting in the living room, all the lights are on, but all I can see is pitch black total darkness. I recall the lights being on because I turned them on trying to escape from the darkness, but no matter how many lights I turned on, I could not get beyond the blackness I saw. I have experienced depression before, but NEVER anything this dark and oppresive. It was heavy, this weight of darkness that engulfed me. It was the most frightening moment in my life.

I was able to write a journal entry as I sat there: Lord, help me! I want to be free. True freedom. Freedom for the sake of peace. Freedom from tormenting spirits and thoughts. Most of all freedom from depression. I want peace! Joy! Love! I know I'm under attack. I know I'm in a spiritual battle. I fully understand that this is spiritual warfare. Lord if you don't save me from this pit of dispair and depression. I won't be free and I fear what might happen to me. Renew my mind. Help me to fill my thoughts with Your Words. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit. Save Me! I want to be free!

Wednesday was scary. I was terrified and yet I had since enough to call on the name of Jesus. This darkness continued well until Sun. One night I asked for my nephew to spend the night because I was so afraid of what I might do.

Sunday we went to church and Pastor Evans was speaking on "Begging for a Blessing". What we are really looking for is a blessing. We don't have a blessing to pass down to our children or speak over them because we ourselves have never been blessed. He then prayed for the men and declared a blessing over them, He did this for the women and the children as well. He had the parents pray a blessing over their children also. It was at this time that I began to feel refreshed and light. The darkness began to lift and I began to hope.

What happened to me is/was not some science fiction. It was real! I know why I haven't been able to read this book as quickly as I am used to. The enemy doesn't want me to be free, because through my freedom I will also know how to lead my children and others to freedom. And this my friends is why the enemy doesn't want me to read the book to the end.

More to come as I go through the journey of reading this book and walking with my Lord and Savior.

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