4/25/2008

How Did I Get Here Anyway?

I am continually asking myself how did I get to this point in my life. When I look back over the years, I thought my marriage was safe and intact. Though I know it happened gradually, it feels as though I woke up one morning to chaos and I've been trying to get it straight ever since.

I've been at a point three years ago, where I felt so overwhelmingly close to God. I felt like Adam & Eve must have felt, when God actually walked with them and talked with them. I was so very near Him, that I could literally feel His arms wrapped around me each night I lay down to sleep.

Now I'm here and some where along the way in the last two and a half years, my walk with God has gotten distant. I know when it started, I know how it started, and now I'm struggling to make my way back into the arms of my God. It hasn't been easy up to this point. I'm having to overcome some struggles and hurdles that I had over come three years ago. There has been more pain than I care to face again and yet I know that it is all for my good.

Yes, pain for my good. Just as a woman giving birth goes through the pain of labor and delivery, only to hold a blessing of joy in her arms afterwards, so too am I in the throws of labor. I know that once the labor has done all that it can do, I will be delivered into the most glorious blessings I can ever imagine.

How will I begin this journey? Actually, I began it the day I called the counseling department at my church and asked for help. The day I came to the end of myself sort of. Then the day I had my first session was life changing. As she listened to me pour my heart out, she waited patiently and then she said, it sounds like you lost you and gave power to your husband that God never intended anyone to have over you. In that instance, I knew she was right. That's what you call it? And then she asked how I saw myself. I'm sad to say that the way I see me is not at all the way God sees me. I am having to relearn how to see me through God's eyes. Anyway, she gave me specific assignments to get me back into His Word and that right there has been a balm to begin my healing.

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