…When the pain you feel cuts deep like a knife and is so heavy it feels unbearable? What do you do when you see the pain in your children’s eyes and there is nothing you can do to ease that pain or take it away? What do you do when the very people that say they love you and your family now say they want you out of their life and that your children are dumb and stupid? What do you do when the very thing you suspected, you find out it is true? How do you keep your head up and keep going forward? How do you get past the hurt and the pain? How do you not feel rejected?
There is a song by Kirk Franklin on his The Fight of My Life cd.
The title is Still (in control) [Verse 1:]Lately I've been thinkin'Thinking 'bout youAnd all the thingsI've seen you go throughYour mother the kids andThe problems at homeSorry I wish I could fix what's wrongI hurt when you hurt andI cry when you cryEven the deep onesSometimes wonder why am I going throughI'm waiting but still no use [Chorus:]He's still in controlHe's sovereign and He knowsJust how it feels to be afraidHave folk you love walk awayBe still and know He's still in control [Verse 2:]Lately depressionYour job and your lifeWeighs on your mindAll day and all nightYou know every scriptureAnd what prayer to prayOnly a fool would thinkIt'll all go awayBut there is good newsFor you there's a planA High Priest who knowsAnd who understands what you cannot sayJust a little longer can you wait [Chorus:]He's still in controlHe's sovereign and he knowsJust how it feels to be afraidHave folk you love walk awayBe still and know He's still in control [Bridge:]Don't know what tomorrow will bringOr if this sickness will ever leaveYou can paint a perfect pictureBut will it ever look like it used to beSee, one thing I know for sureThis season made you stronger and more matureCan't you see how far you've comeAnd when you look backIt's gonna be worth it, oooh [Chorus] He's still in controlHe's still in controlHe's still in control
I listened to this song over and over during my drive home today, trying to come to some sort of understanding or conclusion. I don’t profess to have all the answers, nor say that I understand. I’m lost, feeling like I’m a walking zombie at times. I hurt, my children hurt. The pain is unbelievable at times, yet the words to this song are what give me comfort. I don’t understand fully why my marriage failed or why my family is the way it is. I can’t say I understand completely what happened on Tuesday evening with me, Joseph, and my mother, but I know that God is sovereign and He has it all in control. I know He is using even this to grow me and mature me. I’ve cried out that God arrest the hearts of my children and keep them for Himself, this could be the very thing He chose to use in order to do that. We have all learned that the only one we can truly count on is God and God alone! We are human, frail, and weak. We hurt and will hurt others, but God is the only solid foundation in our lives.
I’m clinging to Jesus right now, just as I did when my husband first left. I find my greatest comfort knowing that Christ felt many of the same things I am feeling right now. He knows what it is to be rejected by those who say they love you. He knows what it is to be hurt. He knows everything I am going through. What I am dealing with, what my children are dealing with is no surprise to Him. He already knew it would take place. It has been a surprise to us, but not to Him. He knew it would happen and He knows how He plans to use this for His glory and our good. Something else I’m learning is that in my weakness there is His strength. It sounds contradictory but when I am weak, there is less of me and He is strong, meaning there is more of Him.
I know the enemy is mad. He is furious. I prayed and asked God how to raise the children He gave me and how to continue on the path of schooling them if that was what He wanted. God gave me instructions and then waited for my obedience. I listened and obeyed and Satan is spitting fire for real. He hates God, he hates those that believe and he will stop at nothing to hinder our walk.
The question is not what do I do, the question is will I continue walking with God, holding tight to His hand and sitting in His lap as He takes me and my children on a journey that looks hopeless today, but one day we will look back and see just how God put the puzzle of our faith & life together to form a big picture…