I lied...

There I said it.  I confess and admit it, I lied.  It took me 10 months to come to that realization and then admit it.
Ten months ago I "really thought" I heard the Lord's leading in quitting my job and working closer to home for less pay and so on and so on.  It is still my greatest desire to be closer to home, but I did things in my own timing and not the Lords.
As I have been examining myself and asking the Lord to examine my heart over the last month, I've come to understand what exactly took place.

This thing called grief (deep sorrow, great distress); it effects people in many different ways.  When my father passed, I threw myself into my family and homemaking.  I was dealing with the loss, but at my pace.  I allowed myself those moments of depression that caused me to sleep late in the day or cry late into the night.  I just allowed it to sweep over me however it chose to.  It took me 5 years to be able to say his name without crying.  I've never known grief such as that.  Then my husband left and there was grief with that, but nothing compared to my father's death.  I suppose because the Lord had been preparing me through dreams and visions.  I grieved, but I dealt with it.
Then my mother passed and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  The grief from losing my mother caused the very breath within me to appear to stop.  And just months after that, my husband left again.  I was hit with a double whammy of devastation that caused my heart to cease to beat and the life within me to dry up.  I forgot how to breath.  I forgot how to truly do anything of meaning.  I did things out of rote.  There were weekends I didn't get out of bed, didn't brush my teeth, or comb my hair.  There were weekends I didn't even bathe.  I just existed.  My desire to be home grew beyond me and I began to listen to my heart over His will.
Thus I "felt" the Lord telling me it was time.  God does everything decent and in order and I went way beyond that.
As I look back now, my home based business was no where near ready to sustain/support me and my children.  I've still got so much to learn.  I dream big and this was no different.  So I walked away from my job and have struggled to exist over the last 10 months.  I said this would be a time for me to draw closer to God and it has....TRULY!!!
Now I can see things for what they really were.   My heart was in agony, my life in turmoil and honestly, I didn't know what to do.  I talked to people, but for whatever reason, my entire heart was not poured out.  People thought I was coping well.  I wasn't. I was dying and no one could hear my screams.  I was within a prison and no one knew.  My grief, taken to another level, caused me to do some very irrational things.  And then I prayed...God why did You bring me to this point if You were going to allow it to be this way.  Now I know it was my own doing and though He has never left or forsaken me, He did step back and let me stumble.  Yea, I did need these 10 months to come to the end of myself and come to the understanding of Him.  He did have to allow this to be.  If it had not, I would not have come to this point in my walk with Him.
One of the associate pastors preached Sunday and that's when the major light bulb went off.  He was talking about going through the valley and how God is with us.  Some of the valleys are just a fact of life we must deal with, some are valleys of growth, and some are valleys of our own doing; and then he specifically mentioned grieving and you quit your job because the grief was too great.  Beyond that, I don't know what he said and will have to get the cd.  This is exactly what I did and I was incapable of articulating that to anyone.  How could I make someone else understand it when I myself did not understand it?
The sensible thing to do would have been to go to the doctor, explain what was going on, allow him to request I take some time off and let my short term disability kick in while I was just able to seek counseling and come to grips with my grief.  My mind was not functioning in a proper state though and so I would have never come to this conclusion.  I myself thought I was coping as well.  I had no idea that I needed more intervention or time.  You see I took off work from Dec. 3 of 2009 to Jan. 4 of 2010.  My mother's funeral had just been a week before my return to work.  I was inundated with so much when in reality I just needed time to grieve.
So I did some foolish thing by quitting my job and plummeting my family in great poverty. Going through valleys I didn't necessarily have to go through, but which God has used and is using for His glory.  This has been a hard and bitter road at times.  I've struggled with forgiving myself and having to relearn just who this God is I serve.  Now I deal with losing my home and having to search for employment at a time when millions of others are searching too.  My time limit is short, these things must be done by the end of August so I can move from the very place I love.  Yet, I believe in a God who is faithful. He keeps His promises to His children.  He has provided and will continue to do so.  Right now the task at hand is daunting and looks very bleak, but God knew exactly what I would need before the hand of time even began.  I am trusting in an everlasting God that is able to exceed my greatest dream.  I'm clinging to His hand with each step I take, not sure where we're going, but certain of the one who is leading.  He has my best interest at heart and I now can say I KNOW Him for myself!!!!


Lady Kara said...

Hi Tasha,

What a revelation. Such an honest, heartfelt post. How many times have we done things thinking it's the Lord's will when it's really just ours? It's so hard to tell sometimes.

Your frankness is such a blessing. And you are so right about not being able to see things clearly when you're in the middle of the fire, so to speak. Hindsight is 20/20.

Will make it a point to pray for you at prayer meeting tomorrow. God bless, my friend.

Lady Kara

Nabila Grace said...

What a beautiful revelation! It's it amazing when we have a spiritual Ah-Hah moment?! :o)

Persuaded said...

Tasha.... I really have no words... but you have my prayers♥ He is able.

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