In 2 weeks it will be official. I will be a divorced woman. I know we've been separated for 8 years. I know that we were living single lives all this time. However, I still held out hope. I still believed God would restore our marriage.
Again, through a text message.....NEVER face to face, He said it's over. My heart is broken, my world is shattered and I find myself holding on to God for dear life. Clinging to hope in Christ that He will heal me and make me whole.
I will never go down this path again. My heart has had enough. They either leave or pass away and I'd rather not deal with either one. So I put one foot in front of the other to try to regain my balance, step, and composure.
I never wanted a legacy of divorce. While I know that God has not been the cause of this, I do know that God has allowed it to take place. I cling to Him to not find the answers or understand why, but to just become stronger and wiser through this. One day I will be able to lift my head again and hold it high, knowing that I did all I perceived that God wanted me to do. I will come through the flood and not drown and the fire and not be burned. And there will be beauty for my ashes. One Day....
Tasha
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
6/30/2014
6/29/2014
Life Interuppted...
Has God ever humbled you? Not in a shame on you kinda way, but a gentle, loving, fatherly way? That way that says I've had this all along, now I need you to step back and let me be God? I've got this in control and I actually DO know what's best for you and those in your life.
Well, He never ceases to amaze me. I'm finding my eyes being unveiled and I'm sure there is more to come. I'm reading this book here ........ And in just the first 2 1/2 chapters I'm being touched by the hand of The Lord.
I've been viewing things ALL wrong. Even after listening to Pastor Evans each Sunday say we need to view things from a Kingdom perspective; Life Interrupted is causing, no, making me look at myself in the mirror. To face some truths about myself.
I've balked at what God has asked of me - praying diligently for my coworkers/Joseph. The burdens/pressures of my job. The frightening unknown of future divorced life, singleness, and realizing that I don't truly hold God in high esteem nor do I trust His will and sovereignty.
God's hand has always been in my life, upon my life, in my circumstances. But truth be told I've not looked at His will as perfect and best for my life. I have ALWAYS looked at life and thought in all circumstances and situations that I knew/know best for me and everyone else.
I'm so thankful God is humbling me and beginning to remove the veil from my eyes. May I begin to not only quote Proverbs 3:5-6 and Psalms 37:4, but that I may also live it and walk it out for His glory!
Tasha
Well, He never ceases to amaze me. I'm finding my eyes being unveiled and I'm sure there is more to come. I'm reading this book here ........ And in just the first 2 1/2 chapters I'm being touched by the hand of The Lord.
I've been viewing things ALL wrong. Even after listening to Pastor Evans each Sunday say we need to view things from a Kingdom perspective; Life Interrupted is causing, no, making me look at myself in the mirror. To face some truths about myself.
I've balked at what God has asked of me - praying diligently for my coworkers/Joseph. The burdens/pressures of my job. The frightening unknown of future divorced life, singleness, and realizing that I don't truly hold God in high esteem nor do I trust His will and sovereignty.
God's hand has always been in my life, upon my life, in my circumstances. But truth be told I've not looked at His will as perfect and best for my life. I have ALWAYS looked at life and thought in all circumstances and situations that I knew/know best for me and everyone else.
I'm so thankful God is humbling me and beginning to remove the veil from my eyes. May I begin to not only quote Proverbs 3:5-6 and Psalms 37:4, but that I may also live it and walk it out for His glory!
Tasha
4/10/2012
Trying AGAIN...
I've been gone a while and well, there is no excuse, but I had to just take some time and regroup. My faith was struggling pretty bad and I had to find me in Christ. Talk about persecution and torment, the last few weeks were some of the hardest to get through and yet I needed to get through them.
My children and I began to watch the Basic Seminar with Bill Gothard and I have to tell you there has been so much awakening for me and so much freedom gained through it. There are many that would say he leads a cult, but I haven't found that to be true and I've not taken his word on anything, but looked through the scriptures for myself to back up what he is saying or dispute it if necessary. I have, thus far, found no reason to dispute anything he has taught. He seriously takes you right back to the Word of God and the Lord Jesus Christ!!!
So I've started over. What does that mean exactly? Well, it means that I've been working on the me God created me to be and some things I HAD to take back to the beginning!!!! Relearning what God has to say about me. Relearning what God has to say about Himself. In all of that, I know there are some things I need to be doing and I've neglected to do them for one reason or another.
Just as things began to get so tumultuous for me and I was on the verge of throwing in the towel (in more ways than one), my sister asked me if I would work out with her for 30 days. I agreed. Had no idea how this would rejuvenate me spiritually!!!! As I've been walking on the treadmill, or riding the stationary bike, or lifting weights, I have had a keen sense that God had some things I needed to go back to and some things He wanted me to change. In come the promptings on my health and nutrition.
So, I started over with drinking my green smoothies again in addition to working out. We ate ALL vegan meals for now 2 weeks and I can't begin to tell you how awesome I feel.
We are on the verge of losing our only transportation because I'm still without a job, but praying the local home health care will get at least 3 referrals for a home health aid....basically I have a job, just waiting for clients now. I haven't stopped applying at other places though. Our Internet will be off sometime today, but even with all of that, I have a new focus. I'm concerned, but not depressed over these financial hurdles. God has provided food we needed to begin this vegan journey. And after the first week of working out and eating all vegan, I began to research yet again about this lifestyle.
I found.......greensmoothiegirl.com. I actually found her through YouTube first and watched every video she posted over the last few years. My son watched with me. I began to get excited and pumped up about all the possibilities. I don't believe in coincidences, so I know God had a purpose and plan in all of it.
I discovered a lump about 4 weeks ago. I've been keeping a close "eye" on it and I haven't noticed it growing, but I do know it is there. Only one of my children know that I have discovered it. I called the free clinic and they have no openings until July. My blood pressure was through the roof and I was having panic attacks nightly. My weight was 220 lbs.
However, after changing my eating habits and then dipping into a vegan food quest, I noticed my clothes were beginning to fit differently. I weighed myself as we began to work out last week and I was astonished to see that the scale read........... WAIT FOR IT................ 198 lbs. So in 4 weeks I've lost 22 lbs. I have a total of 53 lbs to go to get to my goal. I feel great! Oh I think I said that already. The food tastes great that we have been eating and I'm noticing that I don't need quite as much to fill me up.
So back to these green smoothies. I've done them off and on for the past 6 years. The longest I've done them is about 18 months. I got lazy and didn't think they were making such a huge difference. However, the last time I lost a whopping 47 pounds, that's exactly what I was doing, having a green smoothie every morning and working out for an hour 6 days a week. If it worked then, why did I stop? I got lazy...... no excuse and no other explanation.
The only difference now in these green smoothies is I'm following green smoothie girls advice by putting in MORE greens. Previously I had put in spinach and various types of lettuces. Now I've omitted the lettuces and I'm doing kale and collards as well as the spinach. I'm adding frozen fruit, an apple or pear, and 2 bananas. I thought with the additional greens that I wouldn't like it so much, but I guess because we've curbed our sugar intake for so long the taste didn't phase me one bit. Well, actually, that's a lie. It tastes superb!!! I love the richness in flavor and the life of the greens. The fruits, though not a lot, add just enough sweetness. If you decide to give them a try for the first time however, I would suggest doing more fruit than greens and working your way to decrease the fruit and increase the greens each week.
I've also noticed that my palate is changing. We had cake for my nephews 4th birthday and I totally could not eat the icing on it. Way too sweet. I am not craving sugars and sweets as much either, only right before my cycle. I haven't denied those cravings, but I can't wait for them to be gone. Green Smoothie Girl has this cake I so want to try, but I don't like chocolate, so I'm going to have to figure out how to change it to a white cake. It's a beet chocolate cake and everyone on her site raves about it. So in the next few weeks I hope to give it a try and make it a white cake...well, with beets, it will most likely be pink. LOL
I'm also working on starting to journal my vegan journey through videos on my YouTube channel, NeedingASavior. There's nothing on there now, but I will be working on it in the next few weeks and with no Internet, I will only be able to post videos when I take my daughter to class or we head to the library.
I'm excited about the changes. They are very much needed and I only wish I had done them head on 6 years ago.
In other exciting news, I'm going back to school. I'm needing to take a placement exam and need the money for that by the 4th of May. Summer classes begin on the 24th of May. I've already gotten my financial aid for summer, fall, and spring classes taken care of. Summer classes will consist of prerequisite classes, then I will take another exam in the fall to get into the LVN program. After a year I will have completed that program and plan to work and save to begin the midwifery program. That's the goal at this point, we'll see if God changes that or if this is indeed the road He has for me.
My children and I began to watch the Basic Seminar with Bill Gothard and I have to tell you there has been so much awakening for me and so much freedom gained through it. There are many that would say he leads a cult, but I haven't found that to be true and I've not taken his word on anything, but looked through the scriptures for myself to back up what he is saying or dispute it if necessary. I have, thus far, found no reason to dispute anything he has taught. He seriously takes you right back to the Word of God and the Lord Jesus Christ!!!
So I've started over. What does that mean exactly? Well, it means that I've been working on the me God created me to be and some things I HAD to take back to the beginning!!!! Relearning what God has to say about me. Relearning what God has to say about Himself. In all of that, I know there are some things I need to be doing and I've neglected to do them for one reason or another.
Just as things began to get so tumultuous for me and I was on the verge of throwing in the towel (in more ways than one), my sister asked me if I would work out with her for 30 days. I agreed. Had no idea how this would rejuvenate me spiritually!!!! As I've been walking on the treadmill, or riding the stationary bike, or lifting weights, I have had a keen sense that God had some things I needed to go back to and some things He wanted me to change. In come the promptings on my health and nutrition.
So, I started over with drinking my green smoothies again in addition to working out. We ate ALL vegan meals for now 2 weeks and I can't begin to tell you how awesome I feel.
We are on the verge of losing our only transportation because I'm still without a job, but praying the local home health care will get at least 3 referrals for a home health aid....basically I have a job, just waiting for clients now. I haven't stopped applying at other places though. Our Internet will be off sometime today, but even with all of that, I have a new focus. I'm concerned, but not depressed over these financial hurdles. God has provided food we needed to begin this vegan journey. And after the first week of working out and eating all vegan, I began to research yet again about this lifestyle.
I found.......greensmoothiegirl.com. I actually found her through YouTube first and watched every video she posted over the last few years. My son watched with me. I began to get excited and pumped up about all the possibilities. I don't believe in coincidences, so I know God had a purpose and plan in all of it.
I discovered a lump about 4 weeks ago. I've been keeping a close "eye" on it and I haven't noticed it growing, but I do know it is there. Only one of my children know that I have discovered it. I called the free clinic and they have no openings until July. My blood pressure was through the roof and I was having panic attacks nightly. My weight was 220 lbs.
However, after changing my eating habits and then dipping into a vegan food quest, I noticed my clothes were beginning to fit differently. I weighed myself as we began to work out last week and I was astonished to see that the scale read........... WAIT FOR IT................ 198 lbs. So in 4 weeks I've lost 22 lbs. I have a total of 53 lbs to go to get to my goal. I feel great! Oh I think I said that already. The food tastes great that we have been eating and I'm noticing that I don't need quite as much to fill me up.
So back to these green smoothies. I've done them off and on for the past 6 years. The longest I've done them is about 18 months. I got lazy and didn't think they were making such a huge difference. However, the last time I lost a whopping 47 pounds, that's exactly what I was doing, having a green smoothie every morning and working out for an hour 6 days a week. If it worked then, why did I stop? I got lazy...... no excuse and no other explanation.
The only difference now in these green smoothies is I'm following green smoothie girls advice by putting in MORE greens. Previously I had put in spinach and various types of lettuces. Now I've omitted the lettuces and I'm doing kale and collards as well as the spinach. I'm adding frozen fruit, an apple or pear, and 2 bananas. I thought with the additional greens that I wouldn't like it so much, but I guess because we've curbed our sugar intake for so long the taste didn't phase me one bit. Well, actually, that's a lie. It tastes superb!!! I love the richness in flavor and the life of the greens. The fruits, though not a lot, add just enough sweetness. If you decide to give them a try for the first time however, I would suggest doing more fruit than greens and working your way to decrease the fruit and increase the greens each week.
I've also noticed that my palate is changing. We had cake for my nephews 4th birthday and I totally could not eat the icing on it. Way too sweet. I am not craving sugars and sweets as much either, only right before my cycle. I haven't denied those cravings, but I can't wait for them to be gone. Green Smoothie Girl has this cake I so want to try, but I don't like chocolate, so I'm going to have to figure out how to change it to a white cake. It's a beet chocolate cake and everyone on her site raves about it. So in the next few weeks I hope to give it a try and make it a white cake...well, with beets, it will most likely be pink. LOL
I'm also working on starting to journal my vegan journey through videos on my YouTube channel, NeedingASavior. There's nothing on there now, but I will be working on it in the next few weeks and with no Internet, I will only be able to post videos when I take my daughter to class or we head to the library.
I'm excited about the changes. They are very much needed and I only wish I had done them head on 6 years ago.
In other exciting news, I'm going back to school. I'm needing to take a placement exam and need the money for that by the 4th of May. Summer classes begin on the 24th of May. I've already gotten my financial aid for summer, fall, and spring classes taken care of. Summer classes will consist of prerequisite classes, then I will take another exam in the fall to get into the LVN program. After a year I will have completed that program and plan to work and save to begin the midwifery program. That's the goal at this point, we'll see if God changes that or if this is indeed the road He has for me.
Surrendering IS Humbling
Surrendering IS Humbling
Whoever said surrendering to God was easy, lied. It is a very humbling experience for sure. Just yesterday alone, I surrendered things to God AGAIN about 10 times. Just when I think I'm on a path of surrender, something is said or a thought remembered and BAM it's like I've walked into a brick wall and I have to surrender all over again.
When I find myself worrying or fretting over something, I stop right then and surrender those things again. Asking God to be the Lord over that issue, thought, feeling, emotion, etc. I can't begin to describe the peace that begins to flood me from within.
I lay in bed last night and began to just pray for various people in my life. Giving praise, asking for specifics for each of them and suddenly I had the overwhelming need to surrender stuff and people in my life again. Tears began to stream down my face as it hit me I own NOTHING, not even my own body. I immediately thought of a few scriptures...
Romans 12:1
1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice -- the kind he will accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask?
1 Corinthians 6:20
20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.
1 Corinthians 7:23
23 God purchased you at a high price. Don't be enslaved by the world.
Then it REALLY hit me. There is nothing on this earth that I own. There is absolutely NOTHING that is mine. Now my next thoughts may seem silly as I write them out, but I lay there and started thinking about things I've purchased and realized that not even those things are mine. I OWN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!! It all belongs to God. I belong to God.
AND THEN....surrendering became easy. The words began to flow from my heart as I gave things back to the Lord that were His to begin with. My children are not mine. They were His all along and He only loaned them to me to nurture and prepare for His glory and purpose. I gave Him my husband as well as many other family members and I realized He loves them far more than I EVER could. He does not desire for any of them to be lost. 2 Peter 3:9 The Lord isn't really being slow about his promise to return, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to perish, so he is giving more time for everyone to repent.
He loves them with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
The more I surrendered stuff, people, me to the Lord, the harder the tears fell and the more free and at peace I felt. The more I let go, the more I began to seek His forgiveness for MY mess and I was able to also feel His forgiveness take over me to the point I was able to forgive others. I could think of someone and things they did or said to me in the past and I was not angry with just the thought of them, but my heart was filled with compassion towards them. It is seriously a point when you realize that person did hurt you but ultimately it was against heaven first that they sinned and grieved the Holy Spirit. The more I came to that realization, the more Ephesians 6:12 became more real and clear to me. For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those powers of darkness that rule this world and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.
C L E A N S I N G
F R E E I N G H U M B L I N G
R E F R E S H I N G
My goodness that seems to me, to be a lifesaver right there!!! The nugget we should all be aiming for. I'm discovering a new side of God that was there all along. I side I'm loving and so thankful for.
Does this mean I will never worry, fret, or take back what I have already given to Him? No, that would mean I'm not human. However, I have taken a step in the right direction of being able to trust my Savior.
Lord, I pray that something I have shared will be the catapult that launches someone else that much closer to You. I pray that you will continue to heal my heart and help me to surrender daily my "rights" to You. May I never get so cocky to believe that I am my own and can do as I so choose. May I never forget where I've been, nor what You are bringing me through. May what I experience in life today be used to draw others to You and help them to have understanding and come into a more intimate relationship with You.
Thank You for loving me enough to be patient with me and wait for me to "come to my senses". Forgive my cockiness of not realizing that though I did not physically wander away I was still a prodigal in my thoughts. Thank You for seeing me afar off and running to me with out stretched arms welcoming back in to your fold. Your love is truly greater and higher than I could ever imagine. May I ever remain humble, grateful for YOU and who YOU are!!!
In Jesus Name, Amen.
Whoever said surrendering to God was easy, lied. It is a very humbling experience for sure. Just yesterday alone, I surrendered things to God AGAIN about 10 times. Just when I think I'm on a path of surrender, something is said or a thought remembered and BAM it's like I've walked into a brick wall and I have to surrender all over again.
When I find myself worrying or fretting over something, I stop right then and surrender those things again. Asking God to be the Lord over that issue, thought, feeling, emotion, etc. I can't begin to describe the peace that begins to flood me from within.
I lay in bed last night and began to just pray for various people in my life. Giving praise, asking for specifics for each of them and suddenly I had the overwhelming need to surrender stuff and people in my life again. Tears began to stream down my face as it hit me I own NOTHING, not even my own body. I immediately thought of a few scriptures...
Romans 12:1
1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice -- the kind he will accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask?
1 Corinthians 6:20
20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.
1 Corinthians 7:23
23 God purchased you at a high price. Don't be enslaved by the world.
Then it REALLY hit me. There is nothing on this earth that I own. There is absolutely NOTHING that is mine. Now my next thoughts may seem silly as I write them out, but I lay there and started thinking about things I've purchased and realized that not even those things are mine. I OWN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!! It all belongs to God. I belong to God.
AND THEN....surrendering became easy. The words began to flow from my heart as I gave things back to the Lord that were His to begin with. My children are not mine. They were His all along and He only loaned them to me to nurture and prepare for His glory and purpose. I gave Him my husband as well as many other family members and I realized He loves them far more than I EVER could. He does not desire for any of them to be lost. 2 Peter 3:9 The Lord isn't really being slow about his promise to return, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to perish, so he is giving more time for everyone to repent.
He loves them with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
The more I surrendered stuff, people, me to the Lord, the harder the tears fell and the more free and at peace I felt. The more I let go, the more I began to seek His forgiveness for MY mess and I was able to also feel His forgiveness take over me to the point I was able to forgive others. I could think of someone and things they did or said to me in the past and I was not angry with just the thought of them, but my heart was filled with compassion towards them. It is seriously a point when you realize that person did hurt you but ultimately it was against heaven first that they sinned and grieved the Holy Spirit. The more I came to that realization, the more Ephesians 6:12 became more real and clear to me. For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those powers of darkness that rule this world and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.
C L E A N S I N G
F R E E I N G H U M B L I N G
R E F R E S H I N G
My goodness that seems to me, to be a lifesaver right there!!! The nugget we should all be aiming for. I'm discovering a new side of God that was there all along. I side I'm loving and so thankful for.
Does this mean I will never worry, fret, or take back what I have already given to Him? No, that would mean I'm not human. However, I have taken a step in the right direction of being able to trust my Savior.
Lord, I pray that something I have shared will be the catapult that launches someone else that much closer to You. I pray that you will continue to heal my heart and help me to surrender daily my "rights" to You. May I never get so cocky to believe that I am my own and can do as I so choose. May I never forget where I've been, nor what You are bringing me through. May what I experience in life today be used to draw others to You and help them to have understanding and come into a more intimate relationship with You.
Thank You for loving me enough to be patient with me and wait for me to "come to my senses". Forgive my cockiness of not realizing that though I did not physically wander away I was still a prodigal in my thoughts. Thank You for seeing me afar off and running to me with out stretched arms welcoming back in to your fold. Your love is truly greater and higher than I could ever imagine. May I ever remain humble, grateful for YOU and who YOU are!!!
In Jesus Name, Amen.
Surrendering
I was listening to the first part of The Pineapple Story on EmbassyInstitute.org last night.
I didn't take any notes, just sat and listened. I enjoyed the first session with the various stories he shared about being in the mission field, the people and so forth. I laughed right along with the audience. Yet, I was also paying attention and some things caught my attention.
Otto Koning made a few statements. Statements I will be pondering for a while.
The more you fight and struggle with your problems, the worse they get.
As long as you are trying to solve your own problems, God won't push you out of the way. He'll wait for you to move out of the way and let Him handle them.
You can't win the ones you're fighting with, you only ruin your testimony.
As my children have said and done things and I have said things that are causing conflicts and rifts in our relationships, as my husband has hurt me and is not fulfilling the vows he made, I forget often that We war not with flesh and blood...Ephesians 6:12.
I will be meditating on this verse and committing it to memory this week.
Surrender: Cease resistance, abandon oneself entirely to, give in to, submit to a greater authority.
God is waiting on me to surrender all this mess and people to Him. He won't push me out of the way. He sees I'm hurting, angry and wailing about, but He waits patiently all the while knowing He can fix what brings me low. Ahhh, the parent child relationship in full effect.
Lord, surrendering is not easy for me, but as I'm losing this war and ruining my testimony with others and my children, I surrender them, my husband, my finances, my employment, my hurts, my "rights", my heart to You. Have Your way, may You be Lord over this all. And Lord, may You remind me and help me to surrender it all to You again each day. In Jesus Name, Amen.
I didn't take any notes, just sat and listened. I enjoyed the first session with the various stories he shared about being in the mission field, the people and so forth. I laughed right along with the audience. Yet, I was also paying attention and some things caught my attention.
Otto Koning made a few statements. Statements I will be pondering for a while.
The more you fight and struggle with your problems, the worse they get.
As long as you are trying to solve your own problems, God won't push you out of the way. He'll wait for you to move out of the way and let Him handle them.
You can't win the ones you're fighting with, you only ruin your testimony.
As my children have said and done things and I have said things that are causing conflicts and rifts in our relationships, as my husband has hurt me and is not fulfilling the vows he made, I forget often that We war not with flesh and blood...Ephesians 6:12.
I will be meditating on this verse and committing it to memory this week.
Surrender: Cease resistance, abandon oneself entirely to, give in to, submit to a greater authority.
God is waiting on me to surrender all this mess and people to Him. He won't push me out of the way. He sees I'm hurting, angry and wailing about, but He waits patiently all the while knowing He can fix what brings me low. Ahhh, the parent child relationship in full effect.
Lord, surrendering is not easy for me, but as I'm losing this war and ruining my testimony with others and my children, I surrender them, my husband, my finances, my employment, my hurts, my "rights", my heart to You. Have Your way, may You be Lord over this all. And Lord, may You remind me and help me to surrender it all to You again each day. In Jesus Name, Amen.
This Walk
I'm learning and re-learning day by day that this walk with Christ is a
daily surrendering and trust thing. You can't simply say one day I
trust God, I am a follower of Christ, I believe. This is a daily dying
to self and surrendering your will for His. He is ever stretching me
and growing me in areas that are just plain hard.
I can see Him at work in my life and heart, but there are seriously
times I want to say ok God, enough. Times when you think surely there
can't be much else that God can pull from me or pull out of me, and
then....another trial, another opportunity to grow in Christ, another
time of stretching in faith and trust.
Not easy, but so worth it in the end. I want to ask God to fix things
and let me have a reprieve and THEN allow me to come back into the
scheme of things. However, He is asking me "Will you trust Me"? To
which I can either say no and forfeit oh so much OR I can say yes and He
blesses my socks off with growth and fellowship with Him. When I look
at it from that perspective, I say YES....un-ashamedly and WITHOUT
reservation!
My God is greater! My God is stronger! He is higher than any other!
He is healer! Awesome in Power.....MY GOD!!!! If my God is for me
than who can ever stop me or come against me????
It's boiling down to will I believe and trust His word? Will I stand on
His promises? He has said He is not a man that He should lie. Do I
believe Him?
There is no one else I can trust or believe beyond a shadow of doubt.
No one BUT God, even when things look ugly and I don't have the answers
I'm searching for. God is All I have and All I need. He's showing me
daily my need for a Savior.
God Bless
The Throne of My Heart
How do I take me off the throne of my heart and ask God to occupy His
rightful place on the throne of my heart when I'm filled with such
pride?
Many would say it's easy, confess, repent, believe, have faith, trust, etc.
I submit to you that sometimes it's really NOT that easy. Oh how I want
it to be, but when I ask myself some hard questions, I realize that
this is a battle I can't fight on my own.
My sweet friend shared a quote with me from Facing the Giants between
the husband and the wife. He asked her "Will you still love Him if He
never gives us a child?"
For my friend, she said before she couldn't answer because she was angry, but now she can say yes!!!! regarding her situation.
As for me, I wrote it out and I'm truly pondering it.
Would I still love Him if He never removes the financial burdens, never restores my marriage and family, never turns my children's hearts to completely surrender and walk with Him, never restores the relationships between me and my children, never gives me a job, I'm never to be a stay at home wife/mother again, never allows us to move to a "better" & "more fitting" place?
Would I still love Him if He never removes the financial burdens, never restores my marriage and family, never turns my children's hearts to completely surrender and walk with Him, never restores the relationships between me and my children, never gives me a job, I'm never to be a stay at home wife/mother again, never allows us to move to a "better" & "more fitting" place?
Sad to say I am struggling with this right now and I see the pride in it
all. I see that I have dethroned God from my heart and put myself in
His place.
I'm not even pondering so much right now HOW this happened, but WHAT is
hindering me from removing myself and putting God back in His rightful
place in my heart and life.
And just in the brief moment I have paused to ask God to reveal it to me, I got this...
I'm angry because my life has not turned out the way I expected it to. My hopes and dreams weren't fulfilled as I had planned. My desires have all been for naught and I'm angry, bitter, and resentful, and sorely disappointed.
I'm angry because my life has not turned out the way I expected it to. My hopes and dreams weren't fulfilled as I had planned. My desires have all been for naught and I'm angry, bitter, and resentful, and sorely disappointed.
to be continued............
Confessions of My Heart 1
Christmas has come and gone. The mad rush to buy gifts and bake cookies and big meals has passed.
On Dec. 26 I sat watching old television shows and quietly contemplating
things within my heart. As a commercial came on, I sat there and began
to cry. No apparent reason. I began to ask the Lord what is wrong
with me???? Why am I constantly depressed as of late???? Why can't I
get on with life???? Why do I feel stuck and unable to think or do
anything???? As I got quiet and still, I heard softly but clearly, "you
are angry with Me". My thoughts were immediately, no Lord, never. I
could never be angry with You. And then softly but firmly, "You are
angry with God". And the tears began to flow uncontrollably as I
admitted "yes Lord, I am angry with You".
Then a quick fear leaps in and then I realized, if God brought it to my
attention, He's "OK" with my anger towards Him and wants us to deal with it. Relief floods in and I began to pour my hear out to the Lord.
Yes God, I am angry with You!!!
And as I went through the day and lay my head to rest, my constant
prayer was "Lord, help me to understand and give me healing and
restoration".
I awoke this morning, sensing ALL the anger within me towards myself and others as well...
And I began to search...Google, of course ;-)!!!
I wasn't looking for anyone's opinion on the matter. I was actually looking for scriptures specific to my need. I pulled up an article from hope for family. As I read it, I began to cry again, because I could finally understand my great anger and how anger can cause depression (among other things of course, but for me, this is my root cause).
I came across a statement that I've heard and read many times before, but it was made ever so clear and jumped out at me this time. My anger stems from unmet and unfulfilled expectations!!!! Immediately 2 teachings came to mind. Anger Resolution - Bill Gothard & Quieting a Noisy Soul - Jim Berg. This is where I've heard/read this truth before.
And I began to search...Google, of course ;-)!!!
I wasn't looking for anyone's opinion on the matter. I was actually looking for scriptures specific to my need. I pulled up an article from hope for family. As I read it, I began to cry again, because I could finally understand my great anger and how anger can cause depression (among other things of course, but for me, this is my root cause).
I came across a statement that I've heard and read many times before, but it was made ever so clear and jumped out at me this time. My anger stems from unmet and unfulfilled expectations!!!! Immediately 2 teachings came to mind. Anger Resolution - Bill Gothard & Quieting a Noisy Soul - Jim Berg. This is where I've heard/read this truth before.
Now with this revelation and understanding, I'm praying for
healing/restoration in my trust, belief, and walk with God. That
statement contradicts my other blog posts, but when you're being honest
with God, be prepared for things God will over turn and reveal.
Previous statements are true about my faith, but if I want anything
deep, real, and meaningful with God, I've got to get beyond my surface
feelings and words and get real.
For starters, I'm going to go back and listen to and read those
teachings again, followed by more quiet time as I try to be patient and
hear God speak to me again.
Psalms 22: 1-5
1 My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me? Why do you remain so distant? Why do you ignore my cries for help?
2 Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I no relief.
3 Yet You are holy. The praises of Israel surround your throne.
4 Our ancestors trusted in You, and You rescued them.
5 You heard their cries for help and saved them. They put their trust in you and were never disappointed. My hearts cry.....Lord may I get to the point where I cry out to you and you save me, where I put my trust in You and am never disappointed. Help me to grab hold of Your ideals and will for my life and let go of my own. Is this what it means to die to self?
2 Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I no relief.
3 Yet You are holy. The praises of Israel surround your throne.
4 Our ancestors trusted in You, and You rescued them.
5 You heard their cries for help and saved them. They put their trust in you and were never disappointed. My hearts cry.....Lord may I get to the point where I cry out to you and you save me, where I put my trust in You and am never disappointed. Help me to grab hold of Your ideals and will for my life and let go of my own. Is this what it means to die to self?
Standing
The last couple of days, I've been asking MYSELF if
I should really be standing for my marriage. Is it truly what God has
in mind for me? I wrote it out in prayer, asking if this was His
intention and desire for me.
See, I know what His word says regarding marriage. I know how He has turned me from seeking a divorce each time, but when you are personally in the trenches and there is seemingly no one with you, it can be very hard and extremely exhausting. Your emotions never know which way to flip.
So, I've asked for a sign. Much like Thomas did when everyone kept saying they saw Jesus after His resurrection. Thomas said I won't believe until I see for myself and can place my fingers in His hands and side. Jesus said blessed are those that don't see and still believe (John 20:25,29).
Unfortunately, I'm one that needs to have proof and confirmation that this is the way He would have me to go. Why? Because it is daunting when the very one you are standing for will not even speak with you and the few times he does, his words are cutting and hard. You think, surely there is no love in his heart. Or you say to God, Lord I know what Your word says regarding marriage, but have you heard this mans tone and I know Joseph Lord and how hard and stubborn his heart can be. How determined he is to never return or love again. And You want me to believe that our marriage will one day be restored?
See, I know what His word says regarding marriage. I know how He has turned me from seeking a divorce each time, but when you are personally in the trenches and there is seemingly no one with you, it can be very hard and extremely exhausting. Your emotions never know which way to flip.
So, I've asked for a sign. Much like Thomas did when everyone kept saying they saw Jesus after His resurrection. Thomas said I won't believe until I see for myself and can place my fingers in His hands and side. Jesus said blessed are those that don't see and still believe (John 20:25,29).
Unfortunately, I'm one that needs to have proof and confirmation that this is the way He would have me to go. Why? Because it is daunting when the very one you are standing for will not even speak with you and the few times he does, his words are cutting and hard. You think, surely there is no love in his heart. Or you say to God, Lord I know what Your word says regarding marriage, but have you heard this mans tone and I know Joseph Lord and how hard and stubborn his heart can be. How determined he is to never return or love again. And You want me to believe that our marriage will one day be restored?
At which time, He brings to my mind,
Proverbs 21:1 - The king's heart is like a stream of water directed by the Lord, He turns it wherever He pleases.
Proverbs 21:1 - The king's heart is like a stream of water directed by the Lord, He turns it wherever He pleases.
Seriously, what do you say to that? I couldn't say anything, so I just
opened my Bible to read a scripture my friend shared with me from her
reading. All highlights are my hearts cry to my Father, but that in red
is my deepest prayer beyond words...and yet here the very words are. I
don't know what sign the Lord will give me, but I trust He will lead
me, guide me, and teach me, in the way He would have me to go regarding
my marriage.
PSALM 143
1 Hear my prayer, O Lord;
listen to my plea!
Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
2 Don’t put your servant on trial,
for no one is innocent before you.
3 My enemy has chased me.
He has knocked me to the ground
and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
4 I am losing all hope;
I am paralyzed with fear.
5 I remember the days of old.
I ponder all your great works
and think about what you have done.
6 I lift my hands to you in prayer.
I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
Interlude
listen to my plea!
Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
2 Don’t put your servant on trial,
for no one is innocent before you.
3 My enemy has chased me.
He has knocked me to the ground
and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
4 I am losing all hope;
I am paralyzed with fear.
5 I remember the days of old.
I ponder all your great works
and think about what you have done.
6 I lift my hands to you in prayer.
I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
Interlude
7 Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
for my depression deepens.
Don’t turn away from me,
or I will die.
8 Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
I run to you to hide me.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing.
11 For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
12 In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
and destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
for my depression deepens.
Don’t turn away from me,
or I will die.
8 Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
I run to you to hide me.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing.
11 For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
12 In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
and destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
At What Point...
Did I stop trusting and believing in my Savior? When did I start
bringing Him only "trivial" prayers and quit believing Him for ALL my
needs and prayers?
That is the question I am pondering at this point and will be praying
and fasting for an answer in the days to come. I can recall the many
great blessings He has done in our lives in the last 6 years, so I know
He is a good and loving God and an awesome provider. I know He hears me
and I know He answers me.
Just not sure WHAT event took place in my life that caused me to shift so drastically. Whatever it was, I want to pinpoint it and get back on the narrow road.
Just not sure WHAT event took place in my life that caused me to shift so drastically. Whatever it was, I want to pinpoint it and get back on the narrow road.
What got me to thinking of all of this was listening to some sweet
friends today share their testimony on how God provided the land and
finances for them to build their beautiful home they are in now and the
awesome land it sits on. As I listened, my heart was stirred and I
began to ask the Lord when did things shift for me.
They have also shared with me how God restored their marriage and the
testimony from that as well has just put me over the top with questions
to bring before the Lord. So many questions and I need the answers. I
believe this is a pivotal moment in my walk with Christ and reclaiming
some things and areas I so easily handed over to the enemy.
I can't wait to see how God answers. I truly believe the Lord will knock my socks off with His answers and revelations!!!
Be Blessed!
Matthew 6:33 (NLT)
33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
Another Fast of His Choosing
It's been a long time since I've fasted. A long time since I've felt
led by the Lord. I didn't wake up with that in mind yesterday, but as I
prayed for a friend yesterday, I felt the Lord tugging my heart to
invite her to join me in a fast.
Hmmmmm, I didn't at first. I totally did my best to ignore the nudging and almost ended the conversation. However, God just doesn't let things go that easily.
So I invited her to join me in a fast.
We are still working out the logistics, the day(s) we will fast and because she gets sick easily, she will only fast a meal, but the Lord is clearly leading me to fast according to His timing. So many things the Lord has begun to lay on my heart to pray for during our time of fasting and praying. I need to begin a list of those things before I can no longer remember.
Hmmmmm, I didn't at first. I totally did my best to ignore the nudging and almost ended the conversation. However, God just doesn't let things go that easily.
So I invited her to join me in a fast.
We are still working out the logistics, the day(s) we will fast and because she gets sick easily, she will only fast a meal, but the Lord is clearly leading me to fast according to His timing. So many things the Lord has begun to lay on my heart to pray for during our time of fasting and praying. I need to begin a list of those things before I can no longer remember.
Over the last few days, the Lord has also begun to rekindle my heart to
stand for my marriage. Yes, by all accounts, I can divorce Biblically.
Yet, the Lord has constantly turned my heart away from divorce each
time I have tried to make that step. There are times I don't want to
desire this man. This man that has hurt me so deeply. And yet, as I
reminisce about our early years, I remember a man I fell in love with.
No, I didn't pray before we married. I was far from saved. I had no
idea to pray for my future mate. But the day we said I do, the Lord was
present and in the midst of that day and our lives. So, if I'm honest
with myself and my God, I want my marriage to be restored. I want our
lives to be transformed for the glory of the Lord. A testimony of God's
strength and power and I want to encourage others to stand for their
marriages as well.
In the meantime, if you feel led, pray for God's wisdom and direction in
my life and the lives of my family. I leave you with this neat story
from Moody Radio. A Marriage Carol It has blessed me, I pray it blesses you as well.
11/22/2011
Ch. 1 Continued and on to Ch. 2
"Dim vision ages us rapidly, and we lose the child likeness that once made us feel like real princes and princesses in a kingdom. We can be young and yet feel old. Heavy laden. Burdened. In a pit where vision is lost and dreams are foolishness."
Beth Moore
WHEN YOU'RE THROWN INTO THE PIT
Chapter 2 will be read a second time. So many nuggets in that chapter, it's hard to say one good read of it is enough. So much to soak up and in.
Thrown into the pit....hmmm sometimes you are thrown into the pit by circumstances or other people. So as I read, I began to just go over in my mind the ways I've been thrown into this pit. The loss of loved ones...my father, mother, and brother. The abandonment from my husband. The abandonment at the hands of my father through divorce. The abuse I endured as a child at the hands of strangers and friends of the family. Allowing others to speak into my life things that are condemning and then believing those words. Never belonging or fitting in. And the result of those pits now includes anger, bitterness, blame (self & others and yes, I've blamed God), and unforgiveness (towards self and others). These things continue to hold me in the pit and dig it deeper and deeper.
How does one get free from all of this??? This is a job for a super God as I allow Him into my heart and life to help pull these things out of me and allow His healing balm to soothe over those broken areas. This is not an overnight process. It is not a snap your fingers and it's done kinda thing....though I know God can do that if He chooses to. However, I think this healing process is going to be gradual and I have no time table for that, but I do want it to be complete.
Joseph was also thrown into a pit and his brothers then sat down to eat. Now because I'm a visual, this is what I envision. Here he comes along, he's been bragging, teasing, and rubbing in their faces these dreams he's had. Not to mention that his father favors him. He's a spoiled brat. I think of a pesky little brother doing any and everything to get on my nerves and entice me to knock him upside the head so he can run and tell and I get into even more trouble. Never mind that he's been asking for it for some time. Now here he goes to "check up" on them.
"Go Joseph and see what they are up to". "If they are really doing what I told them and report back to me".
Now he's out there in his colorful coat....further hammering in that he is the favored one. They want to kill him, but one brother says no, let's not kill him. Let's just put him in this pit and leave him to die. That way there isn't really blood on our hands. Then a caravan of people (I like to think they were gypsies...I have a vivid imagination) come along and they decide let's make money off of him. We'll sell him into slavery. Meanwhile, he's begging for mercy, for freedom, he's apologizing like no one's business, he wants to just go home. However, God gave him a vision, even if he did rub it in their faces. He had a purpose and a plan to use Joseph to bring about greatness and bring God glory. Never in a million years did he think he'd have to suffer all of this for his dreams to become a reality.
It is hard to believe that God can and will take all my mess and turn it around for something great. It's hard to believe that what someone did out of evil, spite, greed, or sickness, God will use to minister to someone else. It's also hard to believe that I am my own worst enemy and holding myself in this pit through my anger, bitterness, blame, and unforgiveness.
At times this all seems so trivial to me, because I know all this. So how on God's green earth did I allow myself to be put in this pit and how do I allow myself to hold myself here through all that garbage? Not rendering excuses, just telling what I know to be true...when you are bombarded with tragedy after tragedy and you never have a moment to process one before you are hit with another tragedy, you can get overwhelmed and eventually you kinda throw your hands up and begin to sink in the quick sand of life's troubles and before you know it, you can't remember how you got there nor how to get out and when you do finally start getting a glimpse of light the slope is so slippery you slip back in due to non-monumental issues of life.
I had a dream of opening an orphanage and owning 100 acres to have my own little community for young people who have been told by the world "you're 18 and grown...go live life" and yet they have no clue how to do that. I haven't dreamed that dream in a long time, so why did it cross my mind today in the midst of all this mess I'm in???? Only God knows.
I'm off to read chapter 2 again, with highlighter in hand and Bible in tow.
Thank you for praying and allowing me to be real!
Beth Moore
WHEN YOU'RE THROWN INTO THE PIT
Chapter 2 will be read a second time. So many nuggets in that chapter, it's hard to say one good read of it is enough. So much to soak up and in.
Thrown into the pit....hmmm sometimes you are thrown into the pit by circumstances or other people. So as I read, I began to just go over in my mind the ways I've been thrown into this pit. The loss of loved ones...my father, mother, and brother. The abandonment from my husband. The abandonment at the hands of my father through divorce. The abuse I endured as a child at the hands of strangers and friends of the family. Allowing others to speak into my life things that are condemning and then believing those words. Never belonging or fitting in. And the result of those pits now includes anger, bitterness, blame (self & others and yes, I've blamed God), and unforgiveness (towards self and others). These things continue to hold me in the pit and dig it deeper and deeper.
How does one get free from all of this??? This is a job for a super God as I allow Him into my heart and life to help pull these things out of me and allow His healing balm to soothe over those broken areas. This is not an overnight process. It is not a snap your fingers and it's done kinda thing....though I know God can do that if He chooses to. However, I think this healing process is going to be gradual and I have no time table for that, but I do want it to be complete.
Joseph was also thrown into a pit and his brothers then sat down to eat. Now because I'm a visual, this is what I envision. Here he comes along, he's been bragging, teasing, and rubbing in their faces these dreams he's had. Not to mention that his father favors him. He's a spoiled brat. I think of a pesky little brother doing any and everything to get on my nerves and entice me to knock him upside the head so he can run and tell and I get into even more trouble. Never mind that he's been asking for it for some time. Now here he goes to "check up" on them.
"Go Joseph and see what they are up to". "If they are really doing what I told them and report back to me".
Now he's out there in his colorful coat....further hammering in that he is the favored one. They want to kill him, but one brother says no, let's not kill him. Let's just put him in this pit and leave him to die. That way there isn't really blood on our hands. Then a caravan of people (I like to think they were gypsies...I have a vivid imagination) come along and they decide let's make money off of him. We'll sell him into slavery. Meanwhile, he's begging for mercy, for freedom, he's apologizing like no one's business, he wants to just go home. However, God gave him a vision, even if he did rub it in their faces. He had a purpose and a plan to use Joseph to bring about greatness and bring God glory. Never in a million years did he think he'd have to suffer all of this for his dreams to become a reality.
It is hard to believe that God can and will take all my mess and turn it around for something great. It's hard to believe that what someone did out of evil, spite, greed, or sickness, God will use to minister to someone else. It's also hard to believe that I am my own worst enemy and holding myself in this pit through my anger, bitterness, blame, and unforgiveness.
At times this all seems so trivial to me, because I know all this. So how on God's green earth did I allow myself to be put in this pit and how do I allow myself to hold myself here through all that garbage? Not rendering excuses, just telling what I know to be true...when you are bombarded with tragedy after tragedy and you never have a moment to process one before you are hit with another tragedy, you can get overwhelmed and eventually you kinda throw your hands up and begin to sink in the quick sand of life's troubles and before you know it, you can't remember how you got there nor how to get out and when you do finally start getting a glimpse of light the slope is so slippery you slip back in due to non-monumental issues of life.
I had a dream of opening an orphanage and owning 100 acres to have my own little community for young people who have been told by the world "you're 18 and grown...go live life" and yet they have no clue how to do that. I haven't dreamed that dream in a long time, so why did it cross my mind today in the midst of all this mess I'm in???? Only God knows.
I'm off to read chapter 2 again, with highlighter in hand and Bible in tow.
Thank you for praying and allowing me to be real!
11/16/2011
Pimping God...
In an earlier post, I told you about a conversation I had with the kids about relationship with Christ and how many of us are pimping God. I don't mean that in a crude way. I don't mean to offend, but it WAS the very analogy that God gave me at the time, so I'm going to keep it real. I won't sugar coat it, but I will share the truth of it.
If we are honest, many of us at some point in our walk with God have done just that, we've pimped Him, or treated Him as our personal santa clause or sugar daddy. We go to church on Sunday and put in our 2-2 1/2 hours and we come out with this super hero emblem puffed up on our chest. We did something for God and NOW we're about to get "paid". We may read a few scriptures hear and there or say a prayer...grace before a meal, and we then have this attitude that we have done right by God. And the remainder of the time we are out doing our own thing. Living our lives the way we want and enjoying every minute of it. Saint on Sunday, Heathen the rest of the time. Two standards...
and the sad thing is we think He is pleased and SHOULD be satisfied with that!!!! Then....
we get ticked off when nothing we want or asked for comes to fruition!
OUCH or AMEN...
We now feel God is obligated to BLESS us because we have done our duty. We have our hands out; gimme is our middle names (and some of our first and last names too)!
We don't understand why God isn't blessing us. We can't fathom why God has stopped the flow. If you've ever said or thought...my prayers aren't answered, He doesn't hear me, or this Christian stuff doesn't work.....you've been pimping God!
May I dare say that God is not after being your hook up, your sugar daddy, or your santa claus. God wants a relationship with you. He wants to be your best friend and He wants to hang out with you. Imagine for a moment if you will, You have a friend that never calls you to just say hi or talk. They never come by to visit you and when you visit them, they don't have time or ignore you all together. However, if they called and the person that answered the phone said "so and so" is on the phone, your immediate thought would be what do they WANT!
That would be because you have NO RELATIONSHIP!!!
Ever heard someone say...oh they just call when they need something?
You usually nip these types of "friendships" in the bud and cease to entertain all calls from these type of people.
WHY????? Because you want relationship!!!!
Well, if we as mere humans want something as simple as relationship, what do you think our Great Father in heaven wants?
In Genesis 3:8, They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day..... I'd like to suggest to you that this is because He was accustomed to walking with Adam and Eve and conversing with them as friends do! They had relationship. They could talk with and to God, they could walk WITH Him.
There is no way possible to have friendship with the world and God. We will hate one and love the other!!!
The issue is, what we will not accept as humans from other people, we give to God and expect Him to accept it AND be happy with it!!! I'd like to challenge you today to examine your relationship with Him. Search your heart and ask God to search it as well. Ask Him to show you if you have been putting up a front or if you truly have relationship. Ask Him to reveal your heart to you and then Ask Him to give you a new heart and teach you how to have relationship with Him.
I've been crying out for a relationship with God like others relationship with Him and TODAY, I realize that every relationship is unique and different in the sense of how He relates to each of us and yet it's not. He speaks to us through His Word, through music, through nature, or we just may hear His still small voice whispering to us and guiding/directing us.
Read John 15. I have the New American Standard Bible, I read it there and then looked online and read it in the New Living Translation. I like to sum up that chapter as the relationship chapter.
God wants to freely bless us, but He does not and will not do so at the expense of relationship with Him. That is first and foremost....Matthew 6:33 Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven and ALL these things will be added to you!!! Seek first relationship with God, Seek first His righteousness, Seek first His glory, Seek first His face, Seek first His heart........and all the blessings He has for you in heaven will be manifested here on earth. IMAGINE if you will that when we get to heaven, God pulls back a curtain and reveals these were "YOUR" blessings. I had them for you and because you were an heir to the throne, you were entitled to them, but because you didn't seek Me, a relationship, you missed out on these things! And THESE THINGS don't necessarily have to be material possessions. It can simply be PEACE!!!!!!
Have a blessed day in the Lord
If we are honest, many of us at some point in our walk with God have done just that, we've pimped Him, or treated Him as our personal santa clause or sugar daddy. We go to church on Sunday and put in our 2-2 1/2 hours and we come out with this super hero emblem puffed up on our chest. We did something for God and NOW we're about to get "paid". We may read a few scriptures hear and there or say a prayer...grace before a meal, and we then have this attitude that we have done right by God. And the remainder of the time we are out doing our own thing. Living our lives the way we want and enjoying every minute of it. Saint on Sunday, Heathen the rest of the time. Two standards...
and the sad thing is we think He is pleased and SHOULD be satisfied with that!!!! Then....
we get ticked off when nothing we want or asked for comes to fruition!
OUCH or AMEN...
We now feel God is obligated to BLESS us because we have done our duty. We have our hands out; gimme is our middle names (and some of our first and last names too)!
We don't understand why God isn't blessing us. We can't fathom why God has stopped the flow. If you've ever said or thought...my prayers aren't answered, He doesn't hear me, or this Christian stuff doesn't work.....you've been pimping God!
May I dare say that God is not after being your hook up, your sugar daddy, or your santa claus. God wants a relationship with you. He wants to be your best friend and He wants to hang out with you. Imagine for a moment if you will, You have a friend that never calls you to just say hi or talk. They never come by to visit you and when you visit them, they don't have time or ignore you all together. However, if they called and the person that answered the phone said "so and so" is on the phone, your immediate thought would be what do they WANT!
That would be because you have NO RELATIONSHIP!!!
Ever heard someone say...oh they just call when they need something?
You usually nip these types of "friendships" in the bud and cease to entertain all calls from these type of people.
WHY????? Because you want relationship!!!!
Well, if we as mere humans want something as simple as relationship, what do you think our Great Father in heaven wants?
In Genesis 3:8, They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day..... I'd like to suggest to you that this is because He was accustomed to walking with Adam and Eve and conversing with them as friends do! They had relationship. They could talk with and to God, they could walk WITH Him.
There is no way possible to have friendship with the world and God. We will hate one and love the other!!!
The issue is, what we will not accept as humans from other people, we give to God and expect Him to accept it AND be happy with it!!! I'd like to challenge you today to examine your relationship with Him. Search your heart and ask God to search it as well. Ask Him to show you if you have been putting up a front or if you truly have relationship. Ask Him to reveal your heart to you and then Ask Him to give you a new heart and teach you how to have relationship with Him.
I've been crying out for a relationship with God like others relationship with Him and TODAY, I realize that every relationship is unique and different in the sense of how He relates to each of us and yet it's not. He speaks to us through His Word, through music, through nature, or we just may hear His still small voice whispering to us and guiding/directing us.
Read John 15. I have the New American Standard Bible, I read it there and then looked online and read it in the New Living Translation. I like to sum up that chapter as the relationship chapter.
God wants to freely bless us, but He does not and will not do so at the expense of relationship with Him. That is first and foremost....Matthew 6:33 Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven and ALL these things will be added to you!!! Seek first relationship with God, Seek first His righteousness, Seek first His glory, Seek first His face, Seek first His heart........and all the blessings He has for you in heaven will be manifested here on earth. IMAGINE if you will that when we get to heaven, God pulls back a curtain and reveals these were "YOUR" blessings. I had them for you and because you were an heir to the throne, you were entitled to them, but because you didn't seek Me, a relationship, you missed out on these things! And THESE THINGS don't necessarily have to be material possessions. It can simply be PEACE!!!!!!
Have a blessed day in the Lord
11/15/2011
I Will Not Be Moved...
This morning, I awoke with the words of a song in my heart. I don't recall ever really listening to this song. I do recall hearing it on the radio. However, these words were bouncing around in my heart AND thoughts and I looked it up on YouTube.
I also prayed today!!!!!! I actually formulated my heartfelt thoughts into words and brought them before the Lord. I can't describe to you how good that felt. It was refreshing.
I pray you enjoy the words to this song! I am not so into the music as I am the words. ;-)
I also prayed today!!!!!! I actually formulated my heartfelt thoughts into words and brought them before the Lord. I can't describe to you how good that felt. It was refreshing.
I pray you enjoy the words to this song! I am not so into the music as I am the words. ;-)
Light.....After Great Darkness
I FINALLY saw the Light of Hope!!!
I haven't been able to read the Word in over 2 1/2 weeks. Hadn't been able to even open it. Couldn't fully understand why this great attack on me.
Until last night!!!
Well, let me back up. Yesterday morning I took my Bible outside and sat down and actually read about 3 passages in Psalms. That was all I could muster. I prayed briefly and that was about all I could muster. Tinkered on the piano a bit and cried out to God in great anguish.
Took my son to karate and prayed off and on while waiting in the car for an hour.
Got home and told the kids to get their Bibles. We haven't read in 2 1/2 weeks mind you. So kids are looking at me a bit strange. I don't feel like it, but I forge ahead. I don't "feel" like doing this. I don't "feel" like reading or praying. But I push forward even if it's only 5 min.
We briefly talked about relationship with God and how we (those of us in the family that don't have a relationship with God) have basically been pimping God. Do our duty on Sunday and then wait with our hand out the remainder of the week expecting to be lavished with blessings and get angry when we aren't. (another blog post on that later)
Then I began to share with them about this dark time. Why I have been so quiet, afraid, and in tears constantly. Fear of the visions I see. Fear of what I might do to myself. Quiet because I saw no hope and tears because that was all I could bring myself to do, along with begging God to please save me and protect me or else I would surely die.
As I was sharing with them, God began to bring to my rememberance a conversation I had 3 weeks ago. We were talking about fighting for our families and praying for our children that are lost and pushing God further away. I mentioned that I had challenged the enemy the day before. Told him he'd have to kill me before I allowed one of my children to be snared by him. I reminded God of all the promises He gave me for my family and again told the devil he could not have my family and the only way he would get them would be to kill me.
I was told I should never challenge the enemy that way, he will surely do all he can to defeat me. I said if we don't challenge him then we are saying our God has no power and from all I've read, my God has ALL power and ALL things are UNDER His feet. The enemy is in subjection to Him!!!
I forgot about that prayer. I've been begging God to help me understand why I was going through this dark time and to draw me out of it. I can't explain it any better than I have been deathly afraid my time was drawing nigh and that it would be at my own hands.
Little did I realize I would forget that conversation and less than a week later, the enemy began his attack on me and tried to take me out. LITERALLY
Since remembering that conversation and sharing it with the kids, I have felt a heaviness lift off me. I'm cautious but NOT defeated!!!!! For the first time in weeks I felt a ray of hope and saw a glimmer of light!!! It has been a long, hard, rough couple of weeks, but as I think about it, it seems as if it were a wilderness moment. You know in Matthew 3:17 the voice of God declares after Jesus has been baptized, "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." and IMMEDIATELY the next thing we see in Matthew 4:1 is that Jesus is led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. I could feel heaviness all around me, but no one would be there. I could hear movement all around me, but I would be the only one in the room. The sad thing is I would cower in my bed, not fearful of the enemy and his minions that may have been lurking about, but I was afraid of what I would do to myself. I was too weak to "pray" and so I'd just lay here in bed and cry out Lord if You don't save me, I won't be saved. If you don't rescue me, the enemy will win because I am not strong enough to fight this. Sometimes it would just be Lord Help ME!
But last night, something in the Spiritual realm happened. As I shared and remembered, I no longer felt heavy or defeated. The air in the room began to lighten up. I smiled for the first time last night and truly felt it.
But God is greater!
Immediately after sharing with the kids, God put a song upon my heart. I pray this song blesses you as it did me. I sat here listening to it with tears streaming down my face. God has not put a song on my heart in over 2 weeks. Every morning I would wake up with the words of a song in my head and I'd look for it on youtube and that would be my song for the day. I would go have my quiet time and finish up with praise or worship to the particular song God gave me for the day. I had not had that until last night and this is what He gave me!!! Enjoy!
11/07/2011
I Am Still Around
It's been several days since I've blogged and I've missed it. It can be very daunting to blog when you feel you really don't have much to say to inspire or encourage others and that is what I'd like my blog to be about...as well as just showing the real side of who I am.
I'll try to give you a "brief" run down of what's going on in my world without boring you to death, or just maybe I will bore you...sorry in advance. ;-)
We've been dealing with a nasty stomach bug that hit my house twice in two weeks. SO NOT FUN!!! However, we are all on the mend now. I hadn't done much sewing to begin with in the past month and the illness didn't help much either. I've made some decisions in the past 20 days. I'm closing my online shop. I'll actually NOT renew my web thing-a-ma-jig. I will make a few business cards and as I give items away for gifts, I will include a card with it and people can come to my blog to see pics (I'll put up later) to see some of the things I've made. I just don't feel motivated any longer to do mass sewing on a continuous basis. I don't mind doing mass sewing for a craft fair or bazaar, but aside from that, it takes all the fun out of it for me and I want it to still remain enjoyable. So I guess that answered my question....I am NOT cut out for being a salesman. Not in the sense of having a shop.
What I really want to do (I don't think any of my friends or family know this) is teach others to sew, even if it's just basic things. I wish I could start a sewing studio, set up with 5-8 machines at all times and teach beginning sewing. Then I wonder, do people really want to learn how to sew? I'm looking into classes at our local homeschool coop as a trial test. I just wish I had a better place to set up....NOT JoAnn Fabrics. That's my favorite place to shop, but I don't want to deal with their fees and such. If I did, I'd basically be making pennies on the dollar....and they'd be taking the dollars. :-/
I know I have to start somewhere, but as a single mama, I need to be able to bring something home with which to feed my children with.
Anyway, I've also been asked to consider doing a devotional. I'm just wondering, do I have ANYTHING to put in a devotional? With ALL the thousands out there, WHO would want mine? Would I gear it towards single moms? And I'm seriously NOT articulate with my words! My mother was a word person. She loved all things words and learning. I know just enough to get me in trouble!!! More decisions which to pray about...
And I don't have to tell you, but I will, I'm struggling in my prayer life. Struggling because I see God at work in my life, but when I look at the massive poverty we still live in and the thought of having to go back to a 9 to 5 in order to provide for my children, it is daunting and I get discouraged. I'm not even sure which way to pray at times and yet, I keep trudging along...my children are watching.
On to other news.....
The other night I watched a really good and interesting documentary. Forks Over Knives Now it got me to thinking AGAIN about what we eat. I had gone the route of trying vegetarian full force and after about 21 days, I went back to my old habits. Then just this year we gave it a go again, only this time I decided we would only have meet a few times a week. That went well for a while as well, but yet again, I got lazy and went back to what I was comfortable with. You know when you know something and are comfortable with it, it doesn't take much brain power to crank out a weekly or monthly menu and shop accordingly and cook accordingly. It's a serious no brainer, but when you are switching to something so drastically unfamiliar, it takes A LOT of brain power and well, I got lazy!!!
So after watching this documentary, I began to THINK again. I have heart disease, high blood pressure, anxiety attacks, high cholesterol, and now milk (I LOVE MILK) is doing a number on my stomach. Now I totally dig veggies. I enjoy them more than meat, so it's not the meat per say that I'm having an issue with giving up. I totally LOVE dairy and eggs. Yet this just may be one of the main culprits contributing to my health issues. Knowing that, I still want my dairy and eggs. I can go without milk...sigh.
I can learn to cook with almond or coconut milk, no biggie. However, I don't know how to go without my cheeses, butter, and eggs!!!! Well, I have been substituting coconut oil for butter whenever possible...not sure how to do that in baking. OK, so that leaves me the cheese, eggs, and baking with butter dilemma. I tried one of those cheese substitutes Daiya......ummm NO!!!! What happens when I'm craving an omelet? It doesn't happen often, but we have chickens in our chicken coop and they lay beautiful eggs. Do I give in to that craving every now and then? What happens when I want lasagna or a casserole that calls for cheddar cheese? Or what about Mac N Cheese? OH MY WORD!!!!!!! I think this might be a bit easier if I had a nearby vegan friend that I could go to her house and sample her food. UGHHH
Well, I've given myself until Jan 1, 2012 and I will switch over completely. I have until then to find things I like to substitute the things I love. Until then, I am gradually making changes. I bought almond milk for cooking, not sure what to drink when I have a cookie....:-/ I'm already using coconut oil where I can. I've switched from whites...flour, sugar, pasta, and rice. Any vegans following me? Got any pointers? I have also got to get my garden tilled and begin to compost and fertilize it now so it will be good and ready to go come spring. Another sad thing is I JUST GOT ALL MY RECIPES CATEGORIZED AND IN 1 BINDER!!!!! After 3 years I got it done last month and NOW I will have to redo it with vegan recipes. arghhhhhhh ughhhhhhhh
However, I know this is best for my health, so I will do it. I'm over 260 pounds and I've got over 110 pounds to lose. Oh My Word...seeing that just made me realize, I'm carrying a whole extra person on me. No wonder I'm always so tired and lethargic and my heart races out of my chest!!! Those are some sick numbers. I've got to be serious about this whole thing...I do want to live a long life and enjoy grandchildren someday. I can't do that if I'm in the grave because I enjoyed ALL of the things I love about food.
Anyway, that's what's going on in my world. Ohhhh, and I am still considering moving. I'm thinking Arkansas or Tennessee. Just not sure when. My youngest will be 18 in 2 years. So then it will just be me moving if he leaves the nest at that age. We shall see, only God knows!!
I'll try to give you a "brief" run down of what's going on in my world without boring you to death, or just maybe I will bore you...sorry in advance. ;-)
We've been dealing with a nasty stomach bug that hit my house twice in two weeks. SO NOT FUN!!! However, we are all on the mend now. I hadn't done much sewing to begin with in the past month and the illness didn't help much either. I've made some decisions in the past 20 days. I'm closing my online shop. I'll actually NOT renew my web thing-a-ma-jig. I will make a few business cards and as I give items away for gifts, I will include a card with it and people can come to my blog to see pics (I'll put up later) to see some of the things I've made. I just don't feel motivated any longer to do mass sewing on a continuous basis. I don't mind doing mass sewing for a craft fair or bazaar, but aside from that, it takes all the fun out of it for me and I want it to still remain enjoyable. So I guess that answered my question....I am NOT cut out for being a salesman. Not in the sense of having a shop.
What I really want to do (I don't think any of my friends or family know this) is teach others to sew, even if it's just basic things. I wish I could start a sewing studio, set up with 5-8 machines at all times and teach beginning sewing. Then I wonder, do people really want to learn how to sew? I'm looking into classes at our local homeschool coop as a trial test. I just wish I had a better place to set up....NOT JoAnn Fabrics. That's my favorite place to shop, but I don't want to deal with their fees and such. If I did, I'd basically be making pennies on the dollar....and they'd be taking the dollars. :-/
I know I have to start somewhere, but as a single mama, I need to be able to bring something home with which to feed my children with.
Anyway, I've also been asked to consider doing a devotional. I'm just wondering, do I have ANYTHING to put in a devotional? With ALL the thousands out there, WHO would want mine? Would I gear it towards single moms? And I'm seriously NOT articulate with my words! My mother was a word person. She loved all things words and learning. I know just enough to get me in trouble!!! More decisions which to pray about...
And I don't have to tell you, but I will, I'm struggling in my prayer life. Struggling because I see God at work in my life, but when I look at the massive poverty we still live in and the thought of having to go back to a 9 to 5 in order to provide for my children, it is daunting and I get discouraged. I'm not even sure which way to pray at times and yet, I keep trudging along...my children are watching.
On to other news.....
The other night I watched a really good and interesting documentary. Forks Over Knives Now it got me to thinking AGAIN about what we eat. I had gone the route of trying vegetarian full force and after about 21 days, I went back to my old habits. Then just this year we gave it a go again, only this time I decided we would only have meet a few times a week. That went well for a while as well, but yet again, I got lazy and went back to what I was comfortable with. You know when you know something and are comfortable with it, it doesn't take much brain power to crank out a weekly or monthly menu and shop accordingly and cook accordingly. It's a serious no brainer, but when you are switching to something so drastically unfamiliar, it takes A LOT of brain power and well, I got lazy!!!
So after watching this documentary, I began to THINK again. I have heart disease, high blood pressure, anxiety attacks, high cholesterol, and now milk (I LOVE MILK) is doing a number on my stomach. Now I totally dig veggies. I enjoy them more than meat, so it's not the meat per say that I'm having an issue with giving up. I totally LOVE dairy and eggs. Yet this just may be one of the main culprits contributing to my health issues. Knowing that, I still want my dairy and eggs. I can go without milk...sigh.
I can learn to cook with almond or coconut milk, no biggie. However, I don't know how to go without my cheeses, butter, and eggs!!!! Well, I have been substituting coconut oil for butter whenever possible...not sure how to do that in baking. OK, so that leaves me the cheese, eggs, and baking with butter dilemma. I tried one of those cheese substitutes Daiya......ummm NO!!!! What happens when I'm craving an omelet? It doesn't happen often, but we have chickens in our chicken coop and they lay beautiful eggs. Do I give in to that craving every now and then? What happens when I want lasagna or a casserole that calls for cheddar cheese? Or what about Mac N Cheese? OH MY WORD!!!!!!! I think this might be a bit easier if I had a nearby vegan friend that I could go to her house and sample her food. UGHHH
Well, I've given myself until Jan 1, 2012 and I will switch over completely. I have until then to find things I like to substitute the things I love. Until then, I am gradually making changes. I bought almond milk for cooking, not sure what to drink when I have a cookie....:-/ I'm already using coconut oil where I can. I've switched from whites...flour, sugar, pasta, and rice. Any vegans following me? Got any pointers? I have also got to get my garden tilled and begin to compost and fertilize it now so it will be good and ready to go come spring. Another sad thing is I JUST GOT ALL MY RECIPES CATEGORIZED AND IN 1 BINDER!!!!! After 3 years I got it done last month and NOW I will have to redo it with vegan recipes. arghhhhhhh ughhhhhhhh
However, I know this is best for my health, so I will do it. I'm over 260 pounds and I've got over 110 pounds to lose. Oh My Word...seeing that just made me realize, I'm carrying a whole extra person on me. No wonder I'm always so tired and lethargic and my heart races out of my chest!!! Those are some sick numbers. I've got to be serious about this whole thing...I do want to live a long life and enjoy grandchildren someday. I can't do that if I'm in the grave because I enjoyed ALL of the things I love about food.
Anyway, that's what's going on in my world. Ohhhh, and I am still considering moving. I'm thinking Arkansas or Tennessee. Just not sure when. My youngest will be 18 in 2 years. So then it will just be me moving if he leaves the nest at that age. We shall see, only God knows!!
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