11/19/2008

Ahhhhhh, a teachable moment.

As I sit here Lord, my heart is heavy. I don't know how to fully release Joseph to You. I don't know how to let him go. How do I walk away?

This has to do with that trust thing. I'm still holding on because I don't fully trust you or believe that you can or will work things out for my good. I still feel & believe that I know what is best for me and that I not only must show you, but then I must help you out.

This is part of my journal entry for today. I don't share for the sake of sharing, but someone reading may be in the same boat I'm in. While I'm sitting here wishing someone could help me, maybe I am supposed to be helping someone.

This is one of the things I discovered about myself while reading The Shack. (this is a link to someone's review...please read all the comments that follow after his review) I say I trust God but if I am honest with myself, I don't fully trust Him. My trust was so full 3 years ago or even 2 1/2 years ago. But then I got sidetracked, distracted, knocked off course, and my trust or faith (whichever you want to call it) went so low, I have trouble locating even a glimpse at times. My one question was...How could or would a God who loves His children continue to allow these things to happen. My children are innocent and yet they are in such pain and agony. None of us asked for this journey but we got it anyway. And so as I questioned, my trust ebbed away. A scheme of the enemy? You bet. Now I am struggling to regain ground. I opened the door and let him in and it's hell to get him out!!!! Believe that.

God doesn't want bad things to happen to His children. He's just like any parent. He wants the best for us all. But because He is not a dictator, He allows free will and we often choose things against His will for ourselves because we "think" we know what is best for us. However, He never leaves us even when we make choices that will take us off the path He has for us.

This is what I am struggling with. I've judged God by Joseph's actions. I've judge His love for me by Joseph's wavering love. I've judged His commitment to me by Joseph's lack of commitment.

Oh to have child like faith once again. To be enveloped in His arms and love like a little girl on her father's lap. Show me how to get back to that Lord. Show me how.

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