Can I be honest with you? I hate it!!!
The last three months have been excruciatingly hard for me, but it has brought to the surface the impurities in my heart and life.
Me have impurities???? You better believe it!!!
When you aren't going through the fire, you can wear a mask that the world sees, but God is looking at your heart and shaking His head and grieving. He knows what is in you. He knows what you are exhibiting to others is not the real you. He knows the junk that is in you and He wants to get it out so that He can mold you to be more like Christ.
This is not easy, fun, nor something we (especially I) look forward to.
Nevertheless, this is exactly what has been taking place in my life since August 1.
If you remember, I quit a full time job making $3000 a month to work 2 part time jobs making approximately $1000 a month and cleaning houses. I had planned to take that last full paycheck from my previous employer and pay all bills for the month of August and part of September and financially be ready to deal with the bills working with less each month about mid September. I had planned it really well. However, when I opened my mailbox on Aug. 2, I was plunged into reality and a depth of depression, despair, and uncertainty. I received a final check of $1.56. Yes, you read that right...one dollar and fifty six cents. Upon further investigation with the company and through the labor board, I apparently received my July check on July 1 (even though on July 1 I hadn't worked a day in July). Go figure....I've quite trying to understand this one. Then the 2 part time jobs and houses has turned out to be one part time job and one house. So from $3000 to less than $500 a month, with bills ranging from $1400-$1500 per month.
All my best laid plans were dashed and the true depth of my relationship with Christ and trust in Christ were revealed. Basically, I've trusted in what I could see and what I could do. So my trust in Christ was a bit shallow. I had been leaning on my on self as my source and not the God of the Bible. This time period has even had me questioning my relationship with Christ. It has revealed some things that I didn't want to readily admit.
I AM SAVED!!!! I DO BELIEVE IN GOD AND I HAVE ACCEPTED CHRIST AS MY SAVIOR. There is no argument there.
But my faith and trust in God were/are shaky. My relationship with Christ...shallow.
But God doesn't want shaky faith and trust, nor a shallow relationship.
This time made me question God. Yet as the days have gone by, I had to and am having to question myself. You see God didn't change...Malachi 3:6 For I am the Lord, I change not; Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and forever.
So if God didn't change, that means I did. Instead of drawing closer to God, I have allowed my circumstances to draw me away from Him and His Word. The enemy has used this time to disrupt and distract me because he knows that the victory and answers I've been seeking are in God. I misjudged him yet again!!!!! I was looking for the enemy to come at me one way and he snuck in on me from a different way! UGHHHHHHHH
I've questioned if I heard God correctly. Did I follow my own heart or did I truely hear from God to walk away from that job to be closer to home and my children? I know sometimes He will tell us things to do that don't make since in this world. He will have us do what seems illogical and makes no sense and yet in the end it will have brought us right to a place and in alignment with where God wanted us to be all along.
I'm on the verge of being homeless and a shelter or my van are the only options at this point and time. Money is tight. There are many meals skipped, not because we aren't hungry, but because we have no food. I could go on and on, but I'm not trying to get you to a point of feeling sorry for us, but just get you to a point of understanding where I am right now.
So I've questioned, God did I hear you right? Did I do what You wanted? Why can't I hear directions from You now? Where are You in my trouble?
I don't know if my house will be saved...I don't have the finances to catch up the payment nor to pay the monthly payments even if I could catch it up. But that is neither here nor there, I need to be one with God. That is most important!!!
I'm going to be camping out in 1 Samuel 7 for the next few days, as well as the book of Habakkuk. Pastor Evans has a teaching on OnePlace.com with a sermon titled Revival: The Return of God to His People dated October 12/13, you can listen for free. This is helping me a great deal right now! It's giving me a greater understanding of what I have done and am doing and need to do.
I'm also going to be cutting back on things that are taking away my time with God. Facebook is one of them. I will be accessing it only twice a week beginning this week.
I know this is one area robbing me and distracting me. I had also learned that since I am a person that MUST have a schedule to function, that I need to write in things that even seem obvious to me...devotion time, quiet time, church services, etc. So I have done that on my laptop and now need to transfer this onto my calendar we have on the wall.
I covet your prayers, as I know the enemy doesn't mind us professing Christ, but the moment we start talking about getting to know Him more or drawing closer to Him, he will do all to usurp those plans and intentions. So if me or my family come to your mind, please lift us up to the Lord. My heart cries for a closeness with God that will only come from delving into His Word!!!