I DON'T want to be an Israelite....

I DON’T want to be an Israelite...

I'm struggling.  Struggling with trust and faith.  I've been through valleys and wildernesses.  I'm in the wilderness now and yet, I still struggle with trust.  After ALL that I have seen the Lord do in my heart, life, and family, I still have a hard time trusting that 1. God will do what He said He will do. and 2. That He really is out for my good...even if it hurts me.  

Trust- firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something (dictionary)

              To support, confirm, be faithful, uphold, nourish, to be established, be carried, make firm (concordance)

How do I get from where I am to where I want to be and should be in my faith?  Why do I keep judging God based on what man has done or is doing to me?  When will my heart receive that God is MORE than man and can be trusted when man cannot.  In this current situation, I think it is a matter of when I see things from one perspective and think IT is best for me when in fact HE sees it from an all different perspective and can see things I cannot see.  

That would make my wisdom more wise than His if I think what I see is best versus what He sees.  He’s got the whole picture, I’ve just got a piece of the puzzle.  I have basically told God I am wiser than Him and I know what’s best for me and my family.  How to overcome this mentality?  

Just Being Real #1

Today is Father's Day and I opted not to go to church.  There are many reasons why but I won't go into all of that right now.  I will share with you what God is helping me to release.  I don't share for pats on the back, but because someone may be feeling just as I do and just not sure how to express it.

Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Delight- (Strong's Concordance) to be soft, delicate, dainty, to be of dainty habit, be pampered, to be happy about, take exquisite delight, to make merry over, make sport of.
           (Dictionary) To please someone, take great pleasure in.

Do I delight myself in the Lord?  Do I take pleasure in the Lord?  Do I do all that I can within my power to please the Lord?  Am I soft, delicate, dainty?

If I am honest with myself, the answer is no!  Over the past 2 wks, I have waited for the desires of my heart to be given to me without delighting or taking pleasure in the Lord.  I have become complacent, seeking my own good and not the good of the Lord.  I traded the truth for a lie.  And I didn't wonder - God where are you?  I knew He would allow me to be that complacent person until one of two things happened...I came to the end of myself or I became so dry that I began to wither and become no earthly good for the kingdom of God.

One of my squash plants, dry and being taken over by weeds, producing no fruit.

This time I recognized the dry stage before I had to be brought low (serious drought)!  Some would say, How can this be?  You are still in church, still lifting your hands, still saying hallelujah, Thank you Jesus and Praise the Lord.  But we can all put on our mask and fake it and NO ONE would ever be the wiser.  Ahhh, but you and the Lord would know.  See, you can fake people out, but you can't fake yourself or God.  He sees and knows it all.  He's watching my actions and piercing my heart.  He's tapping me on the shoulder and saying daughter these things don't line up.
Sometimes I've run further away from Him.  Sometimes I've run right into His arms.  And there there are those times I've taken a huge sigh and said Lord I know, but sometimes it's easier to go through the motions than to really get down to business and fall on my face and admit I'm faking and need You.  Sometimes it's easier to pretend and let others believe.
However, I'm getting weary of it all.  When I look in the mirror, I don't see what God sees, but I AM THANKFUL HE has not abandoned me and that I'm still a work in progress.
I've relied so heavily on me and very little on God in the past 2 weeks that I'm drained and exhausted.  Yet, because He is no rapist, He sits patiently waiting on me.  Waiting for me to see I have no fruit.  Waiting for me to realize I'm parched.  Waiting for me even though He hurts to see me go further without Him.  He waits!!!
Today I'm like a toddler, though I've been saved for 15 years.  I've fallen and He's picking me up and helping me to balance on my feet while holding His hands.  Today I'm willing to look in the mirror and be honest with myself.  I am NOT a failure, but I have failed at being a wife.  I am failing at being a mother.  And I am failing at being a woman of god, a sister, a friend, simply because I have not relied on Him.
But as I look in that mirror I see, just over my shoulder, His hand reaching for me.  He's waited patiently and now because I've honestly looked in the mirror, He's reaching for me.

Lord I'm empty.  There's nothing good in me that I can see.  Physically I keep going, but reality is I'm exhausted.  Being everything to everyone, Lord that was not my dream.  I'm a little girl that has backed into the corner, slid down the wall, curled into a ball.  I'm crying Lord, I'm hurting, I'm angry, I'm bitter.  Lord, I'm scared!!!  I know what scripture says, but this very real little girl is terrified and gripped with fear.  I want to scream, but no words or sounds pass from my vocal chords. 

I AM HURTING and I want to get rid of this pain.

BUSY BUSY BUSY

Every year I think the summer will be a slower pace for us and I'll get to take a deep breath and well, just be still.  At some point I'll get it in my head that this is not the case and won't be for a long time to come.

I'm currently unemployed and looking for work, plus we are having to look for a home and that in itself is a job.  Both are equally frustrating.  No one seems to be hiring and yet I keep hearing that companies are hiring.  And no one seems to want to rent to us because of our 2 large dogs!  UGHHHHHHH

I've also been busy making swimsuits for me and my girls.  This morning I completed mine after my sewing machine kept giving me fits.  I finally had to take the time and play around with my serger and get it running properly and finish the suit with it!  I'll be completing the third and final suit with my serger as well.

I've also begun a rolling tally of various quilt projects I want to complete, many of them for the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday.  So in the days, weeks, and months to come, I will be busy trying to get those things wrapped up and also hopefully sewing some new items for my new newest niece or nephew to be come February 2012!!!  I'm praying for a niece, nephews are overtaking me....though I wouldn't trade not one of them for anything in the world.

Ok, going to bed now, it's late in the morning and we have church in just a few hours!

It's official

I really prayed and hoped it wouldn't be so, but it is.  The van has got to go in the shop.  Now we have another dilemma....I can make payments on it, but it will have to remain at the transmission shop until fully paid for.  We're talking $2000.00!!!!!  YIKES
The other dilemma is transportation until I get mine back.  I have none.  I also have no idea what we'll do until I can pay for it.
Ummmmmmmmmm trying to stand on the truth of God's faithfulness and provision.  I don't know how, but He will provide.