Promises...still yours even with the delay

I just read someone else's blog and they were speaking of the promises that God has given, how they can't be taken from you because of disobedience, but they can be delayed. Then I was reading another family's blog and they have 4 children, one newly adopted (16 year old girl). Their journey is going well. Then I am on the phone with a lady trying to get medical information and she tells me they just recently adopted a baby boy. They got him when he was 10 days old and his adoption just became final.
My heart is so filled with joy for them and then................I wonder. Lord when will I receive the promises you gave me so long ago? Sigh...Then to top it off, I'm listening to a song by Vicki Yohe called In The Waiting:
Pain
The gift nobody
Longs still it comes
Somehow leaves me
Stronger when it's gone away
Pray I try and pray
For your will to be done
But I confess it's never
Fast enough for me

It seems the hardest part
Is waiting on you
When what I want
Is just to see your hand move

I want a peace beyond my
Understanding I wasn't to feel
It fall like rain
In the middle of my hurting
I want to feel your arms as they
Surround me
And let me know that it's okay
To be in this place
Resting in the peace that only comes
In the waiting

Time, time to let it go and just believe
Trusting in what no one else
But you can see
Free freedom from the fears that
Close me in when I can't beyond where
I have been but then Again the silence
Doesn't mean that I'm alone
As long as I can hear
That I'm still your own

I don't always understand the time spent waiting. Or rather I understand it, I just don't like it or always want it. I so desperately want to have my family whole and be a full time mommy again. I want to birth children from my womb once again and adopt those that aren't wanted by the ones that birthed them. I want to be what I was called to be...A MOM! I want to raise up mighty warriors for His Kingdom and know that they are doing much for His Glory!
Have you ever wanted something so bad you could taste it? You could almost touch it, the vision of it was so clear? Yet, it is out of reach to you and you wonder why Lord why? And you hear Him saying wait child wait. I promised it to you long ago, but you must wait until My timing, for it is perfect.
Oh how Sarai and Abram must have felt when they were growing older and older and they still had a heart and desire for children, but there were none. I have children and yet I know her emptiness. How discouraged they must have felt. Then God gives a promise that is humanly impossible. But God! and in the time of waiting, they make mistakes. That mistake didn't forfeit the promise, but what if that delayed it. Then, when all hope must have been lost, God opened her womb and gave her a son. A son!
I know God promised me a home filled with children. I clearly saw children of many races and colors, it's the waiting that gets me discouraged at times.
On that note, If the Lord says the same, I will have my tubes untied by the spring of 2009. He may choose to never allow me to bring forth children from my own womb, but I will be very close to the way He created me to begin with and many health issues will be reversed.
Whatever dream He gave you, don't let go and don't give up. He will make it a reality...in HIS timing!

Confessions, can be so hard/humbling

I've been reading Deut. 5 & 6,and Psalms 139 for the past week now. The children will have a "contest" to see who knows all of the 10 Commandments; they are doing really well. But this morning, as my sister and I were driving in to work, God began to weigh heavy on my heart. I had to get quiet and just mull over what He was saying. I didn't sit in the car and get in my Word as I had been, I quickly came into the office. I wasn't trying to escape (as if one could), I just wanted to be ALONE with what God had laid on me.
The Israelites had been wandering around in the wilderness. They took a 40 year journey that should have only taken 11 days. They grumbled and complained, tore each other down with their words and ridiculed Moses for their plight. I wonder, did they ever realize they were their worst enemy? Did they realize that satan was using them as a pawn and they were falling for the trap?
Well, with God's words bouncing around in my mind and upon my heart I sent the apology below to my sister:
I owe you a huge apology. I know that it is clearly written in His Word
Ex. 20:12
Deut. 5:16
Matthew 15:4, 19:19
Mark 7:10, 10:19
Luke 18:20
Ephesians 6:2
to honor (respect; not because it is earned, but because it is commanded of BY GOD. Kinda like we love Him because He first loved us) your father and your mother. I have not done accordingly and for that I owe you such a huge apology. It is not honoring anytime I have spoken a word against mom. I am clearly instructed to take all my cares to Him (who can do something about it) and leave it at the Mercy seat. I have not done this. I realize that in not obeying this command I have been the enemies pawn and the tool with which he can/will use to cut my life short. Since I desire to live a long life, I've confessed before God and now you that I was wrong. Please accept my apology. I am to use my words to build up and edify, not grumble, moan, groan,and complain. Again, if I take these things to Christ, who can move mountains, then He will do all He promised to do (and this is for any situation).


Humbled/convicted,
your sister

Man, I'm so glad God loves me enough to show me where I mess up and then He takes the time to show me how to fix it and make it right. And through it all...He still loves me. I don't know what else He will bring to my attention just from reading these chapters, but I know it will only be for my good because He wants the very best for me. He is not any different than an earthly father chastising his children, His love/forgiveness is just GREATER!!!!

S - t - r - e - t - c - h - i - n - g Me

It amazes me how God continues to reveal things to me and then I try to figure out how to make it happen. How many times do I have to do that and then slow down long enough to hear God saying "No child I don't expect YOU to do anything but follow my lead and obey". OUCH

I don't think there are words that adequately describe my love for my Savior. There just aren't any to express my adoration. But oh how I love Him and Adore Him.

Well, if you remember from the House Saga post, I mentioned that we would not have the funds to get our school books until October. Well, if I'm to be honest with you, I have to tell you I've been fretting over this daily. Why? well, it has a lot to do with still trying to please man and follow the typical schedule of the public schools. Oh but wait a minute. Didn't we start home-schooling because God told us too? So aren't I supposed to be pleasing God and following His time line? Need I say what the answers were? Sigh

So I have been earnestly praying in the last 3-4 days, Lord I don't know how to raise these children You blessed me with. I just know I want to raise them for Your glory, only I don't know how to do that either. This has been my hearts cry lately.

Wouldn't you know it, I've been listening to Voddie Baucham's teachings via podcasts and MP3's I've downloaded to my MP3 player. CONVICTION...and that's all I have to say about that. It was as if God Himself began speaking volumes to me. I had to ask myself some tough questions. 1. If my children have the greatest academics and don't know Christ, what have they gained? 2. Do I want them to have a firm foundation on the ROCK or in the world? I had to come to some conclusions as well. As great as knowledge is, I want them to know Christ more. If they never ( you read that right) accomplish any of their dreams, I don't care, but what is of great value to me is that they know the Savior in a personal way. I can't form and cultivate that relationship, but I can form and cultivate the ground which the seeds will be planted. AHHHHHHHHHHH, so much weight lifted off of me in that moment.

About 4-5 years ago, we began using a curriculum called SOW (Student Of the Word). We learned so many great things about God and His Word. I let that fall by the wayside trying to please others who said my children wouldn't have a well rounded education using the Bible ONLY. And from there we have slowly gone down hill. We will order our curriculum in Oct. as planned, as I feel it is what God has led me to for the season of their education, but in the meantime, I am going to contact the creators of SOW and seek a scholarship to purchase this curriculum and get my children back on the straight and narrow path of being in His Word daily.

We've also discovered some areas we need to work on to get our house in order. They are working on immediate obedience and I am working on my countenance when I arrive home from a long day at work. I've not been cheerful and thus my children have felt unloved, unwanted, and in the way. This is not what I want them to feel at all.

So please be in prayer for us as we embark on this leg of our journey with God. I'm glad He's the leader...just wish I would leave Him in that place and stop trying to take over.

The House Saga Continues

I thought we would have our home moved by Monday Aug. 4th, but it seems it is not to be.

So here is the plan, please be in prayer that if this is the Lords will, all will go smoothly.

The mortgage company has arranged for the double wide to be moved at the end of Aug. I need to speak with them to see if they will hold off at least until the 3rd or 4th of Sept.

My home (single wide) is scheduled to be moved the 2nd of Sept.

I did get discouraged for a moment and shed some tears, buttttttttttttttttttttt You know God!

This is not a surprise to Him, but to me only. Therefore, if this was not a surprise to Him that means He already had a plan worked out and now I just need to walk in that plan.

So with that realization, that is where I took a deep breath.

Now, with the fees that need to be paid this week, I will have some money left over to purchase the paint for the interior of the home.

Then I can make the payment in Sept. for the home to be moved. I will have a day (maybe 2) to paint ALL the walls before the other home is picked up. (Anyone up for a painting party????);-)

This does mean that the AC will not get connected until Oct., but prayerfully things will be cooling down and we won't need the AC much. Prayerfully, fans will be enough to keep us cool as we wait. Besides we have been without air before and God was gracious then as well.

This also means that the funds aren't available to purchase school books for the children until Oct. So their new school year won't start until then, but thank God for home-schooling because you can start on your own schedule. Thankfully they have things to complete from the previous curriculum that will carry them over until then.

All I know is God is good and more than able to work this out for my good!!!! He keeps on showing Himself as True and Loving. He's got my back!

Prayer of Blessing - 1 Chronicles 4:9-10

Bless me indeed: Give me a surplus of your goodness upon my life.

Enlarge my border: Expand my capacity to receive all You have for me.

Keep Your hand on me: May I not lose sight of my absolute dependency on You for whatever is to come my way.

Keep me from evil: Protect me from harming myself as well as the harm others could bring upon me.

Darkness/Light (sidebar)

Some have written with great concern over my last entry. I want to say that this is not the first time I have been in a dark spot. This just happened to be a VERY dark spot in my life. In each dark spot (there have only been 2), I knew that God was with me and that this was something I had to go through in order to get to another level that God was taking me.

I can now rejoice, even though those times were rough, ugly and extremely dark, my God brought me through. He would not allow me to call anyone or confide in anyone. He walked with me in this time, even though I felt alone. I clearly recall a moment while sitting on my bed in the "dark" that as long as I called the name of Jesus, I felt His presence even in the oppression. It was when I stopped calling His name that I felt so utterly alone. Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep calling on the name of Jesus.

There is just something about that name!!!!

Anyway, please don't be overly concerned in that I will harm myself, I won't. I trust that God has held me in His hands and will continue to do so, even when He allows me to go to the darkest of pits. I feel it is for the benefit of others that I am allowed to venture into the pit. Thankfully it has only been twice. But since I have voiced a desire to be a pastors wife and to counsel other wives, as well as to go on mission trips, I know I have to go through some things in order to not only be a testimony for others, but to also know where they are coming from and help them through.

God is good and more than able to conquer the enemy who has no power. My God is able to do more than I can imagine and I fully expect that! ;->

Continue to pray for me as I go along on this journey. I know God will work it out in the end and it will be for His glory. In the meantime, I also know I need to be covered by the blood of Christ and prayers from fellow sisters and brothers in Christ.

Darkness/Light

Again I've been through a dark period of depression in my life, but this was darker than any other I have ever experienced in my life.

Let me start back to the week of June 22-28, 2008. I had begun to read a book recommended to me by a friend; Reclaiming Surrendered Ground by Jim Logan. Anyone that knows me, knows I love books and I am a fast reader; however, with this book, it is taking me some time to get through it. Not because it isn't good, on the contrary, it is very good and very eye opening. I haven't been able to read this book as quickly as I am used to because the enemy is doing everything to hinder me from completing it. I truely believe that there will be even more breakthrough for me and my family upon completing this book.

NOWWWWWW, this book talks about how/what we have done to give the enemy a foothold into our lives, what the enemy is after, how he uses each person to get through to the next generation, and then in goes into how to reclaim ground you have surrendered to the enemy and how to help others break free as well. The way I explained it to my children is we have allowed the enemy to have parts of our lives and we have basically said "here you go satan you can have this part of my life, do whatever you wish with it, I give you complete control".

On Monday June 23, 2008, God began to reveal a couple of areas where I had done just that, given the enemy an area in my life to control. I repented, confessed it as sin, and asked God to reign in that area of my life. Tue. morning I woke up and immediately knew I was headed into a state of depression. I also knew that it would be like no other that I had ever experienced.

No matter how many people were around me, on the surface I could fake it, but on the inside I was being tormented. It was getting darker and darker and I began to think of ways to committ suicide. My children were with their father and this would be a good time because they would not be the ones to find me. I had it all thought out and planned. I didn't want to use a gun, it would hurt. I could use pills and just go to sleep, but I had none. I could drive off a bridge on my way to work or on my way home from work, but my sister carpools with me and I couldn't do that to her. I have to tell you the enemy was working over time. He continued to whisper in my ear how bad a person/mother I am. How much of a failure I am. How I had ruined my children's lives. How I had ruined my husbands life. How terrible a mother I was because I couldn't spend time with my children because I have to work. How I would contaminate the people around me. I talked to my children and my oldest daughter evidently heard something in my voice because she continued to ask me if I was ok. I did the best I could to reassure her that I was, but she knew something was not right. But even in talking to them, the enemy taunted me...they even sound happier without you. They are having so much fun, there is no way they are missing you, just let them be in peace without you and have a good life. On and on it went.

Wednesday night I am sitting in the living room, all the lights are on, but all I can see is pitch black total darkness. I recall the lights being on because I turned them on trying to escape from the darkness, but no matter how many lights I turned on, I could not get beyond the blackness I saw. I have experienced depression before, but NEVER anything this dark and oppresive. It was heavy, this weight of darkness that engulfed me. It was the most frightening moment in my life.

I was able to write a journal entry as I sat there: Lord, help me! I want to be free. True freedom. Freedom for the sake of peace. Freedom from tormenting spirits and thoughts. Most of all freedom from depression. I want peace! Joy! Love! I know I'm under attack. I know I'm in a spiritual battle. I fully understand that this is spiritual warfare. Lord if you don't save me from this pit of dispair and depression. I won't be free and I fear what might happen to me. Renew my mind. Help me to fill my thoughts with Your Words. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit. Save Me! I want to be free!

Wednesday was scary. I was terrified and yet I had since enough to call on the name of Jesus. This darkness continued well until Sun. One night I asked for my nephew to spend the night because I was so afraid of what I might do.

Sunday we went to church and Pastor Evans was speaking on "Begging for a Blessing". What we are really looking for is a blessing. We don't have a blessing to pass down to our children or speak over them because we ourselves have never been blessed. He then prayed for the men and declared a blessing over them, He did this for the women and the children as well. He had the parents pray a blessing over their children also. It was at this time that I began to feel refreshed and light. The darkness began to lift and I began to hope.

What happened to me is/was not some science fiction. It was real! I know why I haven't been able to read this book as quickly as I am used to. The enemy doesn't want me to be free, because through my freedom I will also know how to lead my children and others to freedom. And this my friends is why the enemy doesn't want me to read the book to the end.

More to come as I go through the journey of reading this book and walking with my Lord and Savior.