Prayerfully no one will take this the wrong way...but as sat here today reading up on every ones blogs, something hit me. You know, like one of those gut punches that takes your breath away. I know the Lord is not done dealing with me on this matter yet, but the first part is the admission and the confession. The hardest part for me. OK, well one of the hardest parts, because I still have to work through it.
It is not easy to admit or confess but these things must be done if healing is to take place; and I'm ready for healing.
I follow several blogs, but some of them belong to some of my dearest, most cherished friends. And ladies, please DO NOT stop sharing with me. As I was catching up on the happenings of some of their lives, I began to feel this ache deep within me. This feeling that goes from sheer joy to gut wrenching anxiety and bottoms out as temporary depression. It doesn't last long...I have a come to Jesus meeting and then I'm OK. My happiness for my friends is still constant through all of this but I've got to be honest and begin to take baby steps towards complete healing. (Lord will it ever be COMPLETE?)
I struggle with the spirits of envy and jealousy. They seem to be best friends. In my minds eye, they are the heart of covetousness and it's rooted deep within me. I fight it daily and I do mean F I G H T! I love to hear about their marriages and their children, their new blessings within their wombs, their day to day lives of home-schooling and homesteading activities. However, there are times when I am down right jealous and envious of them. Those times I become angry with myself, angry with my estranged husband; and yes, angry with God.
I also struggle with a monstrous spirit of anger. I am angry with or at my estranged husband. At times that anger builds up into rage and my heart begins to race and the tears begin to flow. Much like it is right now. These emotions that cause me to forget that God said to bless those that curse you. This is a feeling I wish for no one to experience, it borders on sheer hatred and I'm not pleased to go there.
Ladies, you are blessed beyond measure. I won't call out names, you know who you are. Cherish your husbands, don't take them for granted. Thank God for them daily and when they do something that irritates you, remember it's just a minor thing. Love on your children and realize that you are in the best place...at home. Raise them for His glory and His kingdom. Enjoy every moment with them, even when you feel frustrated and feel like you want to pull your hair out, and you're wondering "WHY am I doing this"? Every day is fleeting and every moment temporary. You are right where He wants you to be.
I thank you for your friendship. I cherish your encouragement. I covet your prayers. And I will do my best to remember that this battle is NOT mine, but the Lords!