Shattered World

In 2 weeks it will be official. I will be a divorced woman. I know we've been separated for 8 years. I know that we were living single lives all this time. However, I still held out hope. I still believed God would restore our marriage.
Again, through a text message.....NEVER face to face, He said it's over. My heart is broken, my world is shattered and I find myself holding on to God for dear life. Clinging to hope in Christ that He will heal me and make me whole.
I will never go down this path again. My heart has had enough. They either leave or pass away and I'd rather not deal with either one. So I put one foot in front of the other to try to regain my balance, step, and composure.
I never wanted a legacy of divorce. While I know that God has not been the cause of this, I do know that God has allowed it to take place. I cling to Him to not find the answers or understand why, but to just become stronger and wiser through this. One day I will be able to lift my head again and hold it high, knowing that I did all I perceived that God wanted me to do. I will come through the flood and not drown and the fire and not be burned. And there will be beauty for my ashes. One Day....

Tasha

Life Interuppted...

Has God ever humbled you? Not in a shame on you kinda way, but a gentle, loving, fatherly way? That way that says I've had this all along, now I need you to step back and let me be God? I've got this in control and I actually DO know what's best for you and those in your life.

Well, He never ceases to amaze me. I'm finding my eyes being unveiled and I'm sure there is more to come. I'm reading this book here ........ And in just the first 2 1/2 chapters I'm being touched by the hand of The Lord.

I've been viewing things ALL wrong. Even after listening to Pastor Evans each Sunday say we need to view things from a Kingdom perspective; Life Interrupted is causing, no, making me look at myself in the mirror. To face some truths about myself.

I've balked at what God has asked of me - praying diligently for my coworkers/Joseph. The burdens/pressures of my job. The frightening unknown of future divorced life, singleness, and realizing that I don't truly hold God in high esteem nor do I trust His will and sovereignty.

God's hand has always been in my life, upon my life, in my circumstances. But truth be told I've not looked at His will as perfect and best for my life. I have ALWAYS looked at life and thought in all circumstances and situations that I knew/know best for me and everyone else.

I'm so thankful God is humbling me and beginning to remove the veil from my eyes. May I begin to not only quote Proverbs 3:5-6 and Psalms 37:4, but that I may also live it and walk it out for His glory!

Tasha

I Want To Live...

2012 Wasn't as good to me or for me as I had hoped.  It started off well and then things just began to go downhill.  I can't tell you how many times I threw in the towel and asked God to just take me.  Not that I wanted to die, just that I wanted the pain to stop.  Well, there is still a lot of pain, but as I think over all the things I'd like to do and accomplish in this life, I realize that I REALLY want to live.  I'm not ready to die, there is soooo much I want to do.   

 I've spent the last 7 1/2 years holding on to pain and hurt and heart ache.  But I'm ready to let that go and move forward.  I've had a failed marriage, but I don't want to give up on love.  I've hit rock bottom financially and basically in every area of my life.  I think God had to allow that so He could get my attention.  I'm beginning to dream again and hope again.  I'm beginning to live again!!

I've been looking out for everyone else these last few years.  It's time to do some living for me.  Not to neglect others, but to in fact take care of me.  If I spend all my time taking care of others and do nothing for myself, I quickly burn out until there is nothing left of me.  While I believe God wants us to be servants to others, I also believe (now) that He wants us to care for ourselves as well. 

So for a change I am actually looking forward to the new year.  I'm anticipating great things and new beginnings.  I'm looking forward to getting on my feet and making the rest of my life all that God intended it to be.  I've taken life for granted.  I don't want to get to heaven and see all that I could have had and all that I could have done and gave up because of the trials and tribulations that took place in my life. 

Yes I have hurt, yes I am hurting, but I want to move past those hurts and heal and I want to help others to heal as well.  I want to smile, laugh, dance, dress up, take pictures, and embrace life far beyond all that I can imagine or think!  Life is a gift I've taken for granted for far too long.  I'm truly ready to live!!!!!!
 
Tasha

Life Can Just Be Plain HARD!!!

You know, I don't know why after the last 7 1/2 years, it took me soooo long to say those words, but life can be just plain HARD!!!  Sometimes through actions/decisions of our own doing, but also through the actions/decisions of others as well!
There are times when I think life sucks!  and other times when I think life just may be ok!
I'm grateful to be alive, don't ever get that twisted, but I think I'm ready for a breath of peace in my life.  You know, I want out of the pit, the valley, and I would like to be on the mountain top for just a little while.
How anyone could get through this life without God is totally unfathomable to me and yet, I've tried it.  I can say that God has kept me from going totally ballistic in the last few months as well as from losing my sanity.  It is definitely by His grace that I am still here and His mercy that has sustained me.  Without God, I would have given up a long, long, long time ago.  I'm just thankful that those times I couldn't/wouldn't/didn't hold on to God, HE held on to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tasha

Life Changes...

We have finally packed the last item from the house.  The animals leave tomorrow and will stay with a friend until we can get things set up where we are and have them join us.  I'm going to miss them a bunch.  I'm at my sisters washing ALL the laundry that accumulated and I want it all clean and then I'll pack it in totes. 

I had my last class for the Summer 1 session on Tuesday and I made an A.  I start Summer 2 session on July 10.  11 more months of school and I'll be on my way.  I'm excited and ready for a fresh start.

We spent the 4th with friends (the one we'll be staying with).  She lives out by the lake.  I envision lots of mornings out on the dock with my Bible and journal and spending time with God.  Spiritual rejuvenation!!!  I'm ready.

We will start going back to church on Sunday as well.  Working on Sundays is not for me and I did it for a season, but that season is over.  I'm ready to be fed again and to be a part of our church family.

Hopefully after things have settled down a bit more, I'll be able to blog more.  I've got much to share about my vegan journey, garden, and life.

Tasha

Changes...

So much going on and so many changes.  We are moving, but not the way we had planned it nor when we had planned it.  We have lost the house and they will pick the trailer up any day now.  We will be moving in with a friend for a short time.  She's actually giving me a year to get back on my feet, but I'm aiming for 6 months.  We shall see what happens.

We are about 99% packed and should be moved out completely by the 5th.k

There are days I want to curl up in a ball and sleep away all the mess, but I wake each morning pushing forward.  Grief and nervous break downs are no joke.  I'll begin counseling soon again.  I shouldn't have stopped, but I'll get back on track.

I'm still in school, actually have a final tomorrow and then the next semester starts up on the 10th.  I'll be taking 2 classes and then Fall classes begin sometime in August.  I'm going to be BUSY!!!!  

Tasha

Quick Update...

It's been brought to my attention that I haven't updated my blog in a while and well, I'll just say that life has happened. ;-)
Each week gets busier and busier.  I'm working a part time job on weekends only and going to school.  We may be moving soon too, so now I have the addition of packing to that list as well. 

School will be out in 2 weeks and I'll get a week to breath and then it starts back up again.  I'm still a bit undecided between the Medical Assistant Program and the LVN program.  I'm leaning more towards the first.  It fits my personality a bit more than the LVN.  I don't have a real desire to be a nurse, I'd only be doing it for job security and money.  Not a great reason to do something you'll be doing for the next 20 or so years of your life.  At any rate, God will lead me in the way He would have me to go.

So other than that, I haven't been up to much at all, other than gardening.  I've got everything in huge pots with the possible move coming up.  I can't seem to stop acquiring pots...LOL  I have over 15 tomato plants, 8 pepper plants, 4 asparagus plants, 4 strawberry plants, a load of mint and basil, squash, cucumbers, green beans, and peas.  They are all doing well and when I'm not doing homework, you can find me sitting amongst my garden admiring it.  It's so peaceful and tranquil tending to it.

I've done absolutely no sewing in the last couple of months.  I lost my mojo for it, but I'm sure after we get settled, it will return.

Ok, that's about as long as it's going to get right now.  I'll try to update again when school lets out and I can focus.  

Tasha

Country Living ...

My son is a lot like me and hates to wear shoes. However , he ran in today with panic in his voice and fear in his eyes. He'd stepped on a scorpion and had been stung.  After being reassured that it wasn't poisonous and he would indeed live, he was good to go. He took a motrin and went on about his day barefoot of course. 

We cleaned out our shed last week and spotted what we now know to be a water moccasin.  My son shot at it but missed, the gun jammed and got away!!

Also after cutting the yard, we discovered the nest of cottontail rabbits.  There were 3 babies, but we were only able to grab 2 and later released them back into the wild.

Yep, country life. I'd trade those two yucky critters any day.

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Grateful

Even with all my whining and complaining, I realize that I am very blessed.
I have three children that are still home, I know where they are, I know who their friends are.  I know what they are doing.  They aren't on drugs, they don't drink, and they aren't having premarital sex.  Their relationships with God may be rocky, but they haven't given up on Him altogether.
We may not stay in a mansion on a hill, but we have a roof over our heads and we are together.  My health may not be the best, but I'm still alive.  None of us wears the latest fashions, but we have clothes and we can crawl in our beds at night and sleep.
I may not have an income right now, but God has never let us go without.  Every bill paid, food to eat, etc.
So today, I just wanted to express my gratitude.

Ch. 1 Continued and on to Ch. 2

"Dim vision ages us rapidly, and we lose the child likeness that once made us feel like real princes and princesses in a kingdom.  We can be young and yet feel old.  Heavy laden.  Burdened.  In a pit where vision is lost and dreams are foolishness."
Beth Moore


WHEN YOU'RE THROWN INTO THE PIT

Chapter 2 will be read a second time.  So many nuggets in that chapter, it's hard to say one good read of it is enough.  So much to soak up and in.
Thrown into the pit....hmmm sometimes you are thrown into the pit by circumstances or other people.  So as I read, I began to just go over in my mind the ways I've been thrown into this pit.  The loss of loved ones...my father, mother, and brother.  The abandonment from my husband.  The abandonment at the hands of my father through divorce.  The abuse I endured as a child at the hands of strangers and friends of the family.  Allowing others to speak into my life things that are condemning and then believing those words.  Never belonging or fitting in.  And the result of those pits now includes anger, bitterness, blame (self & others and yes, I've blamed God), and unforgiveness (towards self and others).  These things continue to hold me in the pit and dig it deeper and deeper.
How does one get free from all of this???  This is a job for a super God as I allow Him into my heart and life to help pull these things out of me and allow His healing balm to soothe over those broken areas.  This is not an overnight process.  It is not a snap your fingers and it's done kinda thing....though I know God can do that if He chooses to.  However, I think this healing process is going to be gradual and I have no time table for that, but I do want it to be complete.

Joseph was also thrown into a pit and his brothers then sat down to eat.  Now because I'm a visual, this is what I envision.  Here he comes along, he's been bragging, teasing, and rubbing in their faces these dreams he's had.  Not to mention that his father favors him.  He's a spoiled brat.  I think of a pesky little brother doing any and everything to get on my nerves and entice me to knock him upside the head so he can run and tell and I get into even more trouble.  Never mind that he's been asking for it for some time.  Now here he goes to "check up" on them.
"Go Joseph and see what they are up to".  "If they are really doing what I told them and report back to me".
Now he's out there in his colorful coat....further hammering in that he is the favored one.  They want to kill him, but one brother says no, let's not kill him.  Let's just put him in this pit and leave him to die.  That way there isn't really blood on our hands.  Then a caravan of people (I like to think they were gypsies...I have a vivid imagination) come along and they decide let's make money off of him.  We'll sell him into slavery.  Meanwhile, he's begging for mercy, for freedom, he's apologizing like no one's business, he wants to just go home.  However, God gave him a vision, even if he did rub it in their faces.  He had a purpose and a plan to use Joseph to bring about greatness and bring God glory.  Never in a million years did he think he'd have to suffer all of this for his dreams to become a reality.

It is hard to believe that God can and will take all my mess and turn it around for something great.  It's hard to believe that what someone did out of evil, spite, greed, or sickness, God will use to minister to someone else.  It's also hard to believe that I am my own worst enemy and holding myself in this pit through my anger, bitterness, blame, and unforgiveness.

At times this all seems so trivial to me, because I know all this.  So how on God's green earth did I allow myself to be put in this pit and how do I allow myself to hold myself here through all that garbage?  Not rendering excuses, just telling what I know to be true...when you are bombarded with tragedy after tragedy and you never have a moment to process one before you are hit with another tragedy, you can get overwhelmed and eventually you kinda throw your hands up and begin to sink in the quick sand of life's troubles and before you know it, you can't remember how you got there nor how to get out and when you do finally start getting a glimpse of light the slope is so slippery you slip back in due to non-monumental issues of life.

I had a dream of opening an orphanage and owning 100 acres to have my own little community for young people who have been told by the world "you're 18 and grown...go live life" and yet they have no clue how to do that.  I haven't dreamed that dream in a long time, so why did it cross my mind today in the midst of all this mess I'm in????  Only God knows.
I'm off to read chapter 2 again, with highlighter in hand and Bible in tow.

Thank you for praying and allowing me to be real!

A Journey Out of That Pit...

I'd like to invite you into my heart, my life, my journey.  I've described a darkness that I've been in that is so oppressive and dark that my very life seems as though it would be snuffed out and at my own hands at that.

I feel a moment of a glimmer of light and within days, sometimes hours, I can be right back in that pit.  I've long since named it, but naming something doesn't mean you get the full meaning of what it is you've named.  (I know it seems I'm going in circles, but stay with me.)
Just a few days ago, I shared how God allowed me to come up out of the despair of depression and darkness.  I felt victorious, as we all should when God brings us through something.  However, I didn't know that just a day or two later I would plunge head first back into that pit.  It started with a thought and I brushed it off.  Then I got a text message about something one of my kids put on Facebook.  (The enemy KNOWS just what it is that will send you over the edge.  He KNOWS how to push your buttons).  Then I got another message about something I had been praying for regarding one of my daughters and saw things slipping from my grip.  I began to speak doubt to myself.  I began to believe lies and replace them for God's truths.  I sent my kids away to my sisters...they were enjoying a sleep over they thought, while I was sinking in the miry clay.
But God does NOT desire any of us to be defeated.  He sacrificed someone so great to conquer defeat so that we wouldn't be subjected to it.

I don't know about any of you, but when I'm depressed, I don't want to be around anyone.  I don't want to talk to anyone.  I just want to be left alone.  However, God had other plans for me today.  My kids wanted to go to the mall.  Anyone that knows me, knows I absolutely loath the mall.  I can't explain it, but I HATE THE MALL.  I totally dislike shopping, unless it's for sewing stuff or books.  So I dropped them off at the mall for an all day excursion and I went to the library, a Christian book store, and JoAnn's Fabric.  LOL
I absolutely had no money to spare, but went to "window shop".  I looked and looked and looked all around.  Enjoying the sights in Mardel's (the Christian book store).  I read quotes on cups, plates, pictures, t-shirts, I looked at their Christmas items and wandered through the kids section.  I remember walking and looking at the big wall art and reading the scriptures and saying aloud to Lord, I want this freedom that these quotes speak of.  I began crying silent tears in regards to the freedom that evades me, and begging God to help me do something.  I said "I know Your word says I can have life more abundantly, I don't want to wait to get to heaven to have it, that's not what Your word promises.  I don't want to live in hell on earth before I get to enjoy Your glory in heaven.  I want it to manifest here on earth and be magnified in heaven!!!!!
I then went to browse the books.  They have expensive books, but they also have bargain books sometimes for $1, $3, $5, and so forth.  I saw a few things that caught my eye, but knew I didn't have the funds to buy any of them.  So I just grazed the pages of some of them.  Then it happened, my eye caught sight of a book for $8.  I read the title again.  I had heard her do a Bible study on a television show regarding this same book.  I read the title again and immediately snatched up the LAST book and put it in my basket.  I took the $8 from my grocery money to buy this book.
Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore.
This woman is a phenomenal teacher and so real and down to earth.  I've seen/heard her in person several times and each time I am always riveted in my seat listening to her speak.

I began reading her book and I hardly ever read the acknowledgements or foreword, but tonight I read even that.  Then I began to pray and pour my heart out to God.  Lord, You can use any song, any person, any book to bring me out of this pit.  I just pray You get me out of the pit.  I read chapter 1 and FINALLY I can't put things into some semblance of understanding for MYSELF and not feel like I'm going crazy!!!!  SHE GETS THIS PIT THING!!!!!!!!!!!  It's easy for us to see someone going through something and share what we would do, say, think, etc.  It's a whole different story when someone has walked the road and wore the shoes!

So, on that note, I welcome you on this journey I'm taking.  Don't bash, don't criticize, don't belittle, but PLEASE PRAY!!!  I will share as much as the Lord allows, and I pray someone else gets out of this pit right along side me.  I wish there were several of us reading this together, but maybe this is a journey God has me on by myself...and for good reason.

I'll share what I've learned from chapter 1 in tomorrow's post, but for now, I thank you for allowing me to be blunt and honest!!!  I'm ready to strip off the masks and tell it like it is!

Season of Growth

This morning as I was driving the little yellow school bus...is it really yellow or orange yellow????

Oh, sorry, I digress...I distinctly heard the Lord speak to me that this would be a season of growth for me and my children.  That we are not to fear or worry.  

How long will this season last?  Only God knows.  However, for the first time in days, maybe even weeks, I felt a smile reach my heart.  

He knows, He cares, and we will be ok.  Now, let the "camping" begin!!!!!! 

Wednesday Morning Ramblings

I'm just warning you now that what I am about to say is various thoughts going on in my head right now.  They may or may not make any sense, but they are important to me! ;-)

Last night during our family devotions...We are using Nancy Leigh Demoss' online Habakkuk study...she brought up many valid and insightful thoughts.  I've been thinking on them through out the night and well into today and even this morning during my quiet time.

She spoke about our timing not being God's timing and that He has an appointed time for everything.  He sees the bigger picture and knows just when the timing is right for various things He has planned in our lives.  She also said that whatever you are going through, whatever the circumstances, it will not last forever!!!!!!  Hallelujah

HE WILL FINISH MY STORY!!!

I began to ponder my post from Monday.  It was a rough day, so many doubts, fears, sadness, depression, and anger began to creep in.  I knew full well that it was an attack from the enemy, but I'm blessed to say that though the attacks come, they don't last as long as they used to.  A dear friend of the family shared the words to a song with me and I immediately found the song on my ipod and played it over and over.  The first time it was playing, I think I got maybe 2 minutes into the song and my spirits began to lift as I began to praise the Lord!  Immediate transformation began to take place as I praised my DADDY!  
As I began to ponder what Nancy Leigh Demoss was saying and my blog post, I could see things from a different perspective...I was seeing things through God's point of view.  I spoke of getting weary, however, God wants me to endure and be patient.  His plans and purposes for my life will come in His time.  I need to remain hopeful and faithful while waiting on the Lord.  it will surely come, it will not delay.  It seems like there is a delay to me because I'm in the mix of it.  I am also human and I want what I want, when I want it and I want it now.  Isn't that how most of us are?  We pray about something and after a few days or weeks we get weary in praying because we figure something should have happened by now!  OUCH, OUCH, OUCH as I step on my own toes.  Then when nothing happens we take matters into our own hands.  We figure we can help God out!
Can I get an amen!  I know it to be true in my own life, so I'll just speak for me!

This spoke to me on so many levels, my kids, my housing situation, my marital circumstances.

You know I'm as honest as I can be on my blog, so I'm just gonna confess it now...I already confessed it to God anyways, I'm not trying to hide from anyone.  I STOPPED praying for my husband LONG, LONG ago.  Yep, sure did.  Saw nothing new happening, don't know where he is now, no idea if the Lord is working on his heart, so I stopped.  Why pray for something or someone that is not changing?  Yet God has something else in mind.  I must continue to pray whether I see something happening or not.  1000 years is but 1 day to God.  I long for relationship, companionship, love, you know all that stuff that comes with marriage.  I want it.  I don't believe I was one of those God intended to remain single, but in this season that is just where I am.  I don't know what God's plans are.  I don't know if He will ever allow my husband to come back.  I don't know if I will get word from his family that he has passed away one day and thus God opens the door for a new relationship.  I don't know what He's going to do or how He's going to do it, but I do know He's up to something.  I do know that my happiness should never come at the expense of obedience to the Word.  It's hard at times, because the easy road would be to divorce, court, and remarry.  However, God has not opened that door for me.  He has not released me from this marriage.  I don't know if He ever will either and honestly, that's a hard road to travel.  In the end, I know He is using this time to speak to my heart and retrain my thought process and transform my life.

Will I feel this way a week from now?  Probably not, but I know God will continue to lead me back to this until it becomes so ingrained in me that it literally becomes natural to me.  He wants me to do just as Psalm 37:3-7 says; Trust in Jehovah, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.  Delight thyself also in Jehovah; and He will give thee the desires of thy heart.  Commit thy way unto Jehovah; Trust also in Him, and He will bring it to pass.  And He will make thy righteousness to go forth as the light, and thy justice as the noon-day.  Rest in Jehovah, and wait patiently for Him...

I know one day my heart will reflect that of the Father, until then I am striving for it.
Jesus You Are...

Tuesday Thoughts - Titles

I'm in this kick of titles.  I'm an organizer, scheduler, type personality.  So I do monthly menus and am about to pass this torch to my girls completely for the next couple of years.  I was trying to think of ways to simplify it for them and what I came up with is Special Sunday, Meatless Monday, Casserole Tuesday, Crockpot Wednesday, Salad Thursday, Fat Friday, Sandwich Saturday.

I will help them in creating lists of recipes we completely enjoy, then we will place them on index cards in their rightful categories for the days of the week.  Then the girls will be able to make up a monthly menu by going thru the box and choosing the meal for each night of the week.  They will be responsible for checking the pantry and freezer at the beginning of each month and making out a grocery list as they create the menu and we will buy groceries accordingly.  I will help them cook up and prepare as many of the meals ahead of time and placing them in the freezer.  Something like once a month cooking.  That will help to eliminate daily cooking for supper.

I'll keep you posted how it goes!!

GRATEFUL:  My daughters are preparing for their households one day!


PERSONAL GROWTH:  She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.  Proverbs 30:15
  

Monday Musings - My Weekend

Ever planned your weekend to the T or at least had in mind things you were going to try to accomplish?  I had the entire weekend planned out.  I didn't work Friday because of my Dr. appt. and thought that after doing laundry I would be able to work the rest of the day in the garden and plant some seeds (I know I'm late).  I had Saturday planned for sewing and some of Sunday as well.

Needless to say, I've been sick with the flu the entire weekend.  We got the laundry done, but after that, I was no good to anyone for anything.  My children had to take care of me!!!!

Saturday, I was going to force myself to do something.  I felt some what stronger...I should have resisted the urge to go outside, but it was gorgeous.  I helped my children separate 3 roosters with their own sets of hens.  Too many roosters and they fight each other to the death.
After we got that accomplished I was winded, drained, my fever was up again, dizzy, exhausted.  I laid down and slept for 5 hours.
No sewing was accomplished what so ever.  I looked longingly at my sewing machine and serger and thought of the various projects I wanted to be doing and some future projects, but none were accomplished at that moment.
Sunday I felt a bit better, but felt it best not to push it.  After all, I had to be ready for the work week.

Oh, I did get to do some job searches online Sunday.  I need a part time job from 9-2, M-F or a couple of houses to clean per day that will rake in at least $1200 a month.  God will work it out, of this I am certain.


GRATEFUL:  for children (blessings) from the Lord that help to take care of me when I am down.  I appreciate them more than they know!!!  Thank you my cherubs.

PERSONAL GROWTH:  Be still and know that I am God.  Psalm 46:10

Nephew arriving soon...

God has definitely chosen the birthdate of my nephew.  He will be born sometime today.
We can't wait to see him, but we also wish our mom could meet him too.
Mom would always be the first to hold my sisters babies when they were born...

Ahhhh sweet blessings with the birth of a new babe, mixed with sadness over the death
of our mom...LIFE!!!

ADDENDUM:  Aaron Mark-Anthony
                            4/14/10  3:49 AM
                            6lb 1oz

I'm still here

MIA:  Yes, that’s been me.  I thought for sure I would have blogged
more than I have, but alas life has happened and continues to happen.
Sometimes I just want to plop down
And say stop the world, I wanna get off!!!

Seriously though, I’ve been working hard and sewing a lot as well.  I
finally finished my
Nieces baby quilt and matching burp cloths.  I’ll have to take pics.
and post later.  I will
Begin my soon to be newest nephews crib set with matching burp cloths.
His parents requested Texas Longhorn theme.  So the quilt will be Texas
Longhorns and the rest of the set will just be their colors.  I’m
trying to improve my skills on the items I’m planning to sell in my
Etsy shop.  I’ll keep you posted.  As of now, I’m still in the
planning stages, but my dream/desire is to be able to sew full time and
return home with my children.  We’ll see what God has to say!!!

My family is well, moving forward in the grieving of my mother.  Some
days are harder than others, but we’re moving along.  It’s still
surreal to us that she is really gone.  We all sort of wait with
anticipation for her to walk through the door or call.  We found a video
of her on one of our cameras, it brought me to tears.  To not only hear
her voice, but to see her moving around and talking.  Man, that was
hard.  We’ve got tons of family videos we’ve not gone through yet,
but I’m sure when we look at them it will be a rough day as well.
That’s another day to worry about unto itself.

I’m cherishing this moment I am in right now with God.  I’m not
where I want to be this is true, but I’m at a place of peace and
confidence with Him.  I don’t know all that He is doing, but I know
that He is in control and He’ll work all things out for my good…even
if I have to go through the hard times to get to the good. 

In the meantime, Keep Lifting Him up!!! I am…

New Years Eve - Afternoon

Well,  I most likely won't post tonight, unless......

It's always good to leave that option open.  I had a goal for 2009 and that was to increase my blogging and I did.
My goal for 2010 is to improve my sewing/quilting skills and start a sewing/quilting blog.  I'm hoping my daughters will get into the groove of this and join me.  That would be loads of fun.
I've narrowed down my hobbies to reading, sewing, and quilting.  I think that's enough for this gal.  I don't know that my plate will handle much more, although I do like my gardening, so I may not be able to do away with that one. ;-)

I don't make resolutions...I never stick to them.  I think my biggest thing for 2010 is to continue the grieving process for my mother and deepen my walk with Christ, not in that particular order but you know...

One other thing I'll be working on this year is being the best me God created me to be.  I've always been a people pleaser and it's gotten really old now.  I just want to be me.  I've noticed that I've gotten a little legalistic and I want to shed that and just please my Savior, after all, HE is the most important one in this universe anyway.

UPDATE:  My sister is a married woman now.  She sent me pictures and we both cried.  Boy how we sure miss our mom!!!!

Admission/Confession

Prayerfully no one will take this the wrong way...but as sat here today reading up on every ones blogs, something hit me. You know, like one of those gut punches that takes your breath away. I know the Lord is not done dealing with me on this matter yet, but the first part is the admission and the confession. The hardest part for me. OK, well one of the hardest parts, because I still have to work through it.
It is not easy to admit or confess but these things must be done if healing is to take place; and I'm ready for healing.

I follow several blogs, but some of them belong to some of my dearest, most cherished friends. And ladies, please DO NOT stop sharing with me. As I was catching up on the happenings of some of their lives, I began to feel this ache deep within me. This feeling that goes from sheer joy to gut wrenching anxiety and bottoms out as temporary depression. It doesn't last long...I have a come to Jesus meeting and then I'm OK. My happiness for my friends is still constant through all of this but I've got to be honest and begin to take baby steps towards complete healing. (Lord will it ever be COMPLETE?)

I struggle with the spirits of envy and jealousy. They seem to be best friends. In my minds eye, they are the heart of covetousness and it's rooted deep within me. I fight it daily and I do mean F I G H T! I love to hear about their marriages and their children, their new blessings within their wombs, their day to day lives of home-schooling and homesteading activities. However, there are times when I am down right jealous and envious of them. Those times I become angry with myself, angry with my estranged husband; and yes, angry with God.

I also struggle with a monstrous spirit of anger. I am angry with or at my estranged husband. At times that anger builds up into rage and my heart begins to race and the tears begin to flow. Much like it is right now. These emotions that cause me to forget that God said to bless those that curse you. This is a feeling I wish for no one to experience, it borders on sheer hatred and I'm not pleased to go there.

Ladies, you are blessed beyond measure. I won't call out names, you know who you are. Cherish your husbands, don't take them for granted. Thank God for them daily and when they do something that irritates you, remember it's just a minor thing. Love on your children and realize that you are in the best place...at home. Raise them for His glory and His kingdom. Enjoy every moment with them, even when you feel frustrated and feel like you want to pull your hair out, and you're wondering "WHY am I doing this"? Every day is fleeting and every moment temporary. You are right where He wants you to be.

I thank you for your friendship. I cherish your encouragement. I covet your prayers. And I will do my best to remember that this battle is NOT mine, but the Lords!

2008...almost over!

It’s hard to believe that 2008 is almost over. When I was a little girl, I could not imagine ever getting to 2000 and here we are almost into 2009. Time seems to go by faster and faster. We start off a new year and before we can blink our eyes too good or rather, before we can get to comfortable, the year is coming to an end and we’re bringing in a new one.
I for one did not accomplish everything I had set out to accomplish. My walk with the Lord is not as deep as I had hoped and my goals are not completed. Nevertheless, I am still alive and unless the Lord has something different written for my life, I have the new year to look forward to as a new beginning.
Only God knows what tomorrow or the New Year will bring, but I do know who holds it all in His hands. My only resolutions for the New Year are to walk closer with God, to continuously steer my children to the Savior, and be a light to others. I pray that you don’t get caught up in resolutions that focus on you as an individual, but you as it relates to your walk with Christ.

HAPPY NEW YEAR