This thing called life is hard. I can't do anything on my own. I need God every step of the way. Yet, even my walk with God is not as easy as pie either. I struggle so much with trust, faith, and fear. This was my struggle and my cry to the Lord this morning around 4:30AM. I sat on the side of my bed and told God just that, that this is hard and I am unable to do this faith walk on my own.
I awoke early Wednesday morning to a knock on the door. A FedEx driver stood there with an envelope in her hand. I sensed it wasn't good news. I opened it and there was a letter from the auto finance company. I know that auto companies will reposes your car if you are 3 months or more behind, but this is one of the notorious banks that is known for not doing anything within the "norm". So with one payment behind and $170 in late fees, they were notifying me that I needed to make full payment by Friday, December 31st or our van would be repossesed. I immediately called to work out a payment arrangement. The first person I spoke with was rude and down right condescending. It's really sad how heartless some people are....I could never be a bill collector. After relentless questions and sarcasm, she transfered me to yet another woman.
This woman was compassionate and began to work our arrangements with me to make payments. She gave me until December 31st to send in a payment of $170 and defer the one late payment. I got off the phone bewildered, where would I get $170+the $76 for the house and I still have 3 bills unpaid, but one that needs to be paid by the 31st as well. In a matter of days I went from needing $76 by Friday to needing $320 by Friday!!!!!!!!
Jesus, help me. I can't live like this. I can't keep wondering how our bills will be paid. I would just like to know that each month we won't have to worry about our bills, that we would at least have that security. I'd like to take a deep breath and not have my chest hurt, not have a panic attack, or my head hurt because my blood pressure has sky rocketed. Lord, I'm not strong enough, my faith isn't great enough, and I'm consumed with fear. I can't do this anymore Lord, I simply can't do this anymore. I believe and will never denounce you, but my faith is so dry.
I took a half of an anxiety pill and laid down. I slept soundly for about 4 1/2 hours. I awoke to a donation via Gleaning the harvest of $140. That added with the money my daughter gave me from her job totaled $190. I at least had the money for the car or the van, but not both. I looked at the money and said a silent Thank You Jesus and walked away. Later this evening, my daughter brought me $60 that she had put away for spending. We're up to $250....lacking $70 and the need for gas money for a week as well. Again, a Thank You Jesus, I see You at work and I do believe, help my unbelief!
My other daughter looked in my nightstand drawer because that's where I keep the money my daughter gives me for gas and way at the back of the drawer was........another $125!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you added that up yet???? A total of $375 in a little over 24 hours! $320 for bills by Friday and $55 for gas!!!
WHO IS LIKE THE LORD?????? NOBODY!!!!!
THIS is hard!!! I like to know my bills are in order and paid for the moment they come in. The last 5 months have been one of great tests. Tests I've failed and some I've passed. Will I ever get it? Will I ever get to the place of total dependence and trust in God? Will I ever have faith greater than a mustard seed? Will I ever NOT doubt His love and provision for me and my children? WILL I EVER??????
Maybe not 100% on this side of heaven, but I think I have enough to hold on to the hem of His garment for dear life and confess to Him...Lord I can't do this and I'm scared. And because He's a great God, He says I know and wraps me in His arms and moves mountains I can't possibly move on my own.
I may never be a Moses, Joshua, Peter, or Paul, but God is at work in my heart and life. I don't know what the completed purpose is for, but I know He's using it for His good. I'll worry and fear again, and again God will hear my cry and move in my life.