Ch. 1 Continued and on to Ch. 2

"Dim vision ages us rapidly, and we lose the child likeness that once made us feel like real princes and princesses in a kingdom.  We can be young and yet feel old.  Heavy laden.  Burdened.  In a pit where vision is lost and dreams are foolishness."
Beth Moore


WHEN YOU'RE THROWN INTO THE PIT

Chapter 2 will be read a second time.  So many nuggets in that chapter, it's hard to say one good read of it is enough.  So much to soak up and in.
Thrown into the pit....hmmm sometimes you are thrown into the pit by circumstances or other people.  So as I read, I began to just go over in my mind the ways I've been thrown into this pit.  The loss of loved ones...my father, mother, and brother.  The abandonment from my husband.  The abandonment at the hands of my father through divorce.  The abuse I endured as a child at the hands of strangers and friends of the family.  Allowing others to speak into my life things that are condemning and then believing those words.  Never belonging or fitting in.  And the result of those pits now includes anger, bitterness, blame (self & others and yes, I've blamed God), and unforgiveness (towards self and others).  These things continue to hold me in the pit and dig it deeper and deeper.
How does one get free from all of this???  This is a job for a super God as I allow Him into my heart and life to help pull these things out of me and allow His healing balm to soothe over those broken areas.  This is not an overnight process.  It is not a snap your fingers and it's done kinda thing....though I know God can do that if He chooses to.  However, I think this healing process is going to be gradual and I have no time table for that, but I do want it to be complete.

Joseph was also thrown into a pit and his brothers then sat down to eat.  Now because I'm a visual, this is what I envision.  Here he comes along, he's been bragging, teasing, and rubbing in their faces these dreams he's had.  Not to mention that his father favors him.  He's a spoiled brat.  I think of a pesky little brother doing any and everything to get on my nerves and entice me to knock him upside the head so he can run and tell and I get into even more trouble.  Never mind that he's been asking for it for some time.  Now here he goes to "check up" on them.
"Go Joseph and see what they are up to".  "If they are really doing what I told them and report back to me".
Now he's out there in his colorful coat....further hammering in that he is the favored one.  They want to kill him, but one brother says no, let's not kill him.  Let's just put him in this pit and leave him to die.  That way there isn't really blood on our hands.  Then a caravan of people (I like to think they were gypsies...I have a vivid imagination) come along and they decide let's make money off of him.  We'll sell him into slavery.  Meanwhile, he's begging for mercy, for freedom, he's apologizing like no one's business, he wants to just go home.  However, God gave him a vision, even if he did rub it in their faces.  He had a purpose and a plan to use Joseph to bring about greatness and bring God glory.  Never in a million years did he think he'd have to suffer all of this for his dreams to become a reality.

It is hard to believe that God can and will take all my mess and turn it around for something great.  It's hard to believe that what someone did out of evil, spite, greed, or sickness, God will use to minister to someone else.  It's also hard to believe that I am my own worst enemy and holding myself in this pit through my anger, bitterness, blame, and unforgiveness.

At times this all seems so trivial to me, because I know all this.  So how on God's green earth did I allow myself to be put in this pit and how do I allow myself to hold myself here through all that garbage?  Not rendering excuses, just telling what I know to be true...when you are bombarded with tragedy after tragedy and you never have a moment to process one before you are hit with another tragedy, you can get overwhelmed and eventually you kinda throw your hands up and begin to sink in the quick sand of life's troubles and before you know it, you can't remember how you got there nor how to get out and when you do finally start getting a glimpse of light the slope is so slippery you slip back in due to non-monumental issues of life.

I had a dream of opening an orphanage and owning 100 acres to have my own little community for young people who have been told by the world "you're 18 and grown...go live life" and yet they have no clue how to do that.  I haven't dreamed that dream in a long time, so why did it cross my mind today in the midst of all this mess I'm in????  Only God knows.
I'm off to read chapter 2 again, with highlighter in hand and Bible in tow.

Thank you for praying and allowing me to be real!

Light.....After Great Darkness

I FINALLY saw the Light of Hope!!!

I haven't been able to read the Word in over 2 1/2 weeks. Hadn't been able to even open it. Couldn't fully understand why this great attack on me.

Until last night!!!

Well, let me back up. Yesterday morning I took my Bible outside and sat down and actually read about 3 passages in Psalms. That was all I could muster. I prayed briefly and that was about all I could muster. Tinkered on the piano a bit and cried out to God in great anguish.

Took my son to karate and prayed off and on while waiting in the car for an hour.

Got home and told the kids to get their Bibles. We haven't read in 2 1/2 weeks mind you. So kids are looking at me a bit strange. I don't feel like it, but I forge ahead. I don't "feel" like doing this. I don't "feel" like reading or praying. But I push forward even if it's only 5 min.

We briefly talked about relationship with God and how we (those of us in the family that don't have a relationship with God) have basically been pimping God. Do our duty on Sunday and then wait with our hand out the remainder of the week expecting to be lavished with blessings and get angry when we aren't. (another blog post on that later)

Then I began to share with them about this dark time. Why I have been so quiet, afraid, and in tears constantly. Fear of the visions I see. Fear of what I might do to myself. Quiet because I saw no hope and tears because that was all I could bring myself to do, along with begging God to please save me and protect me or else I would surely die.

As I was sharing with them, God began to bring to my rememberance a conversation I had 3 weeks ago. We were talking about fighting for our families and praying for our children that are lost and pushing God further away. I mentioned that I had challenged the enemy the day before. Told him he'd have to kill me before I allowed one of my children to be snared by him. I reminded God of all the promises He gave me for my family and again told the devil he could not have my family and the only way he would get them would be to kill me.

I was told I should never challenge the enemy that way, he will surely do all he can to defeat me. I said if we don't challenge him then we are saying our God has no power and from all I've read, my God has ALL power and ALL things are UNDER His feet. The enemy is in subjection to Him!!!

I forgot about that prayer. I've been begging God to help me understand why I was going through this dark time and to draw me out of it. I can't explain it any better than I have been deathly afraid my time was drawing nigh and that it would be at my own hands.

Little did I realize I would forget that conversation and less than a week later, the enemy began his attack on me and tried to take me out. LITERALLY

Since remembering that conversation and sharing it with the kids, I have felt a heaviness lift off me. I'm cautious but NOT defeated!!!!! For the first time in weeks I felt a ray of hope and saw a glimmer of light!!! It has been a long, hard, rough couple of weeks, but as I think about it, it seems as if it were a wilderness moment. You know in Matthew 3:17 the voice of God declares after Jesus has been baptized, "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." and IMMEDIATELY the next thing we see in Matthew 4:1 is that Jesus is led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. I could feel heaviness all around me, but no one would be there. I could hear movement all around me, but I would be the only one in the room. The sad thing is I would cower in my bed, not fearful of the enemy and his minions that may have been lurking about, but I was afraid of what I would do to myself. I was too weak to "pray" and so I'd just lay here in bed and cry out Lord if You don't save me, I won't be saved. If you don't rescue me, the enemy will win because I am not strong enough to fight this. Sometimes it would just be Lord Help ME!

But last night, something in the Spiritual realm happened. As I shared and remembered, I no longer felt heavy or defeated. The air in the room began to lighten up. I smiled for the first time last night and truly felt it.

Please pray for God's protection upon me and my children. I don't believe he's finished, but angry (the enemy that is). I didn't denounce my Lord though I did stop reading His Word. I didn't stop praying all together, my prayers were more like cries for mercy and questions. Not only is the enemy after my children, he will kill me to move me out of the way!!!!!

But God is greater!

Immediately after sharing with the kids, God put a song upon my heart. I pray this song blesses you as it did me. I sat here listening to it with tears streaming down my face. God has not put a song on my heart in over 2 weeks. Every morning I would wake up with the words of a song in my head and I'd look for it on youtube and that would be my song for the day. I would go have my quiet time and finish up with praise or worship to the particular song God gave me for the day. I had not had that until last night and this is what He gave me!!! Enjoy! 

A Journey Through Scripture

This morning I was awakened with a scripture on my mind.  We've all heard The Lord will never leave you nor forsake you.  Well, that is what came to mind and so I immediately opened my Bible to find that scripture.  As I read in Hebrews 13:5, I realized that I had NEVER heard what precedes that NOR proceeds that "cliche" if I may.  So many are willing to take from the scriptures what they want to hear and then sometimes God only highlights certain parts of a scripture when you are in His Word.  Now I see nothing wrong with taking what God highlights to you and you holding on to that promise.  That's just how He operates at times.  However, this time, I did not sense that as His way of operating this morning.

So, I read it in two different translations.
NASB: Hebrews 13:5-6 Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, "I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU," so that we confidently say, "THE LORD IS MY HELPER, I WILL NOT BE AFRAID.  WHAT WILL MAN DO TO ME?"


Amplified:  Hebrews 13:5-6 Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let you down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]

I think we've all been guilty of being greedy, lusting for and craving earthly possessions...that is if we are truly honest with ourselves.  It may have been for just a split moment or it may be something you struggle with.  There are clearly times I face it.  However, this was not the understanding I received from this scripture this morning....my worry over my bills and my housing situation has in essence become my "love of money".  My mind has been consumed with it, to the point that I'm constantly thinking of ways to "make money" or bring in some kind of income to support my family and make these "things" happen.  I REALLY HOPE I CAN GET MY POINT ACROSS HERE
In the highlighted portion above, that is what jumped out at me.  Oh how I have felt just that way, that He has left me without support and left me helpless, to the point that this has consumed me...my dreams, my thoughts, my fears.  It has literally gripped me with such a fear that I have become literally paralyzed with it.  I have NEVER known fear this way in my life.  It has left me immobile.  I don't know if anyone understands this kind of fear.  I don't want a cliche of words thrown at me, I don't want anyone to ever be gripped in this fear, but I do want out and at times I feel helpless to find a way out.  My heart RIGHT NOW has become the soil where the Word is planted and then trials come and satan is able to snatch the Word from me and this has become a fight for my very life.  Can I dare say that due to all that has taken place in the last year and few months, that my faith has been shaken to the core in such a way I NEVER thought possible?  Yet with all the doubt that rages within me, I still find the strength and energy to cry out to God and beg Him not to let me go.  In my own feeble attempt, I am still calling out to God and forcing my feet to go forward.  In my heart I know that if God lets me go, I am doomed forever because I have not strength nor power to save myself or keep myself from destruction.
  Then I heard a scripture during the week...not sure who was talking about it, but it's Luke 22:31-32 "Simon, Simon, Tasha, Tasha, listen!  Satan has asked excessively that [all of] you be given up to him out of the power and keeping of God, that he might sift [all of] you like grain,  but I have prayed especially for you [Peter] Tasha, that your [own] faith may not fail; and when you yourself have turned again, strengthen your brothers."

I am truly in a battle, a war if you will for my very soul, my very life!!!  

Life...it's HARD!

This thing called life is hard.  I can't do anything on my own.  I need God every step of the way.  Yet, even my walk with God is not as easy as pie either.  I struggle so much with trust, faith, and fear.  This was my struggle and my cry to the Lord this morning around 4:30AM.  I sat on the side of my bed and told God just that, that this is hard and I am unable to do this faith walk on my own.

I awoke early Wednesday morning to a knock on the door.  A FedEx driver stood there with an envelope in her hand.  I sensed it wasn't good news.  I opened it and there was a letter from the auto finance company.  I know that auto companies will reposes your car if you are 3 months or more behind, but this is one of the notorious banks that is known for not doing anything within the "norm".  So with one payment behind and $170 in late fees, they were notifying me that I needed to make full payment by Friday, December 31st or our van would be repossesed.  I immediately called to work out a payment arrangement.  The first person I spoke with was rude and down right condescending.  It's really sad how heartless some people are....I could never be a bill collector.  After relentless questions and sarcasm, she transfered me to yet another woman.
This woman was compassionate and began to work our arrangements with me to make payments.  She gave me until December 31st to send in a payment of $170 and defer the one late payment.  I got off the phone bewildered, where would I get $170+the $76 for the house and I still have 3 bills unpaid, but one that needs to be paid by the 31st as well.  In a matter of days I went from needing $76 by Friday to needing $320 by Friday!!!!!!!!

Jesus, help me.  I can't live like this.  I can't keep wondering how our bills will be paid.  I would just like to know that each month we won't have to worry about our bills, that we would at least have that security.  I'd like to take a deep breath and not have my chest hurt, not have a panic attack, or my head hurt because my blood pressure has sky rocketed.  Lord, I'm not strong enough, my faith isn't great enough, and I'm consumed with fear.  I can't do this anymore Lord, I simply can't do this anymore.  I believe and will never denounce you, but my faith is so dry.

I took a half of an anxiety pill and laid down.  I slept soundly for about 4 1/2 hours.  I awoke to a donation via Gleaning the harvest of $140.  That added with the money my daughter gave me from her job totaled $190.  I at least had the money for the car or the van, but not both.  I looked at the money and said a silent Thank You Jesus and walked away.  Later this evening, my daughter brought me $60 that she had put away for spending.  We're up to $250....lacking $70 and the need for gas money for a week as well.  Again, a Thank You Jesus, I see You at work and I do believe, help my unbelief!
My other daughter looked in my nightstand drawer because that's where I keep the money my daughter gives me for gas and way at the back of the drawer was........another $125!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Have you added that up yet????  A total of $375 in a little over 24 hours!  $320 for bills by Friday and $55 for gas!!!

WHO IS LIKE THE LORD?????? NOBODY!!!!!

THIS is hard!!!  I like to know my bills are in order and paid for the moment they come in.  The last 5 months have been one of great tests.  Tests I've failed and some I've passed.  Will I ever get it?  Will I ever get to the place of total dependence and trust in God?  Will I ever have faith greater than a mustard seed?  Will I ever NOT doubt His love and provision for me and my children?  WILL I EVER??????

Maybe not 100% on this side of heaven, but I think I have enough to hold on to the hem of His garment for dear life and confess to Him...Lord I can't do this and I'm scared.  And because He's a great God, He says I know and wraps me in His arms and moves mountains I can't possibly move on my own.

I may never be a Moses, Joshua, Peter, or Paul, but God is at work in my heart and life.  I don't know what the completed purpose is for, but I know He's using it for His good.  I'll worry and fear again, and again God will hear my cry and move in my life.

Miracles Do Still Happen, Even When You Doubt!

I'm at a point where I'm still speechless as to what the Lord has done for us.  On Dec. 10 I paid $400 towards the back payment of the mortgage, with a promise to pay $500 on the 21st of Dec.
I had no clue where the money would come from, but began to pray for God's provision.  I knew that if we were to get a donation via Gleaning The Harvest, it would go through paypal and it needed to be in my paypal account by Friday, Dec. 17th in order for me to get it transfered to my bank account by Tuesday the 21st.  Then I could make a payment via phone to the mortgage company.  I specifically prayed this prayer with dates a couple of times.  For the most part I was in tears, whining and pouting, and begging the Lord to fix this.  I was down right terrified, totally scared, because the thought of being homeless can do that to you!!!
No donations all week.  None!!!  At some point last Wednesday, I cried out to the Lord totally broken.  I told the Lord I didn't want to be homeless with my children.  I confessed my doubt, confessed my fear, confessed my worry.  Totally admitted to the Lord that I was unable to walk through this fire alone and I didn't think I'd make it at the rate I was going.
I prayed that prayer and felt a huge weight lift.  I knew my circumstances had not changed, but I just felt like the Lord was telling me not to worry about the $500 and I had a great peace.
Friday morning, came and went.  Friday afternoon, came and went.  Friday evening, came and went.  Late Friday night, my alert message for new emails went off.  It was my email account I set up specifically for job searches and paypal.  I had no alerts all week so didn't think much of it...figured it was probably junk mail.  But what did my eyes see!!!!!
SOMEONE had donated to our family a whole whopping $500!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YES, you saw that right!  The EXACT amount needed for the mortgage company, exactly on the day I needed it in my paypal account so I could transfer it to my account and pay the mortgage tomorrow!!!!
The Texas Two Step, The Happy Dance, My Praise Dance, all seemed so inadequate.  All I could do was fall in a heap and bawl my eyes out while praising the name of JESUS!

I am NOT a perfect Christian and I know none of us are.  I've worried, doubted, and feared, when God said to be strong and of courage, to not doubt or worry, and to fear not.  However, God knew this would come to this point.  He knew I would worry, doubt, and fear.  Yet, He has remained faithful and never left me.  He is having to walk with me as my faith and trust are rebuilt, and He is ever so patient to walk through this with me.  He lovingly waits for me to wade through all of this mess.  He did absolutely nothing for my faith to get to this point and yet He is patiently waiting and loving me.

My God is good!  He's more than amazing!  He's awesome beyond words!  He really is strong when I am weak!  He's Everything I need!  He's GOD!!!!!!!

I had been praying for a Dec. 21st and 31st miracle!  Miracles do still happen, even when I doubt.

I'm still praying for the Dec. 31st miracle and the ability to pay the rest of our bills for this month!  I know God is able, even when I struggle with trusting what I can't see!!!!

To the family that so graciously gave, THANK YOU is so inadequate to express my heart.  For those contemplating giving to one of the families on Gleaning the Harvest, know that you are helping a single mother to be with her children even if just for one more day.  This journey is truly a moment by moment journey.  Sometimes we are able to put one foot in front of the other and sometimes we need someone to hold our arms up in this battle.  We covet your prayers!!!!!
For those that have prayed me through this time, listened to me rant and rave and whine, Where would I be without Sisters in Christ willing to stand in the gap for me and my children!