I'd like to invite you into my heart, my life, my journey. I've described a darkness that I've been in that is so oppressive and dark that my very life seems as though it would be snuffed out and at my own hands at that.
I feel a moment of a glimmer of light and within days, sometimes hours, I can be right back in that pit. I've long since named it, but naming something doesn't mean you get the full meaning of what it is you've named. (I know it seems I'm going in circles, but stay with me.)
Just a few days ago, I shared how God allowed me to come up out of the despair of depression and darkness. I felt victorious, as we all should when God brings us through something. However, I didn't know that just a day or two later I would plunge head first back into that pit. It started with a thought and I brushed it off. Then I got a text message about something one of my kids put on Facebook. (The enemy KNOWS just what it is that will send you over the edge. He KNOWS how to push your buttons). Then I got another message about something I had been praying for regarding one of my daughters and saw things slipping from my grip. I began to speak doubt to myself. I began to believe lies and replace them for God's truths. I sent my kids away to my sisters...they were enjoying a sleep over they thought, while I was sinking in the miry clay.
But God does NOT desire any of us to be defeated. He sacrificed someone so great to conquer defeat so that we wouldn't be subjected to it.
I don't know about any of you, but when I'm depressed, I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone. However, God had other plans for me today. My kids wanted to go to the mall. Anyone that knows me, knows I absolutely loath the mall. I can't explain it, but I HATE THE MALL. I totally dislike shopping, unless it's for sewing stuff or books. So I dropped them off at the mall for an all day excursion and I went to the library, a Christian book store, and JoAnn's Fabric. LOL
I absolutely had no money to spare, but went to "window shop". I looked and looked and looked all around. Enjoying the sights in Mardel's (the Christian book store). I read quotes on cups, plates, pictures, t-shirts, I looked at their Christmas items and wandered through the kids section. I remember walking and looking at the big wall art and reading the scriptures and saying aloud to Lord, I want this freedom that these quotes speak of. I began crying silent tears in regards to the freedom that evades me, and begging God to help me do something. I said "I know Your word says I can have life more abundantly, I don't want to wait to get to heaven to have it, that's not what Your word promises. I don't want to live in hell on earth before I get to enjoy Your glory in heaven. I want it to manifest here on earth and be magnified in heaven!!!!!
I then went to browse the books. They have expensive books, but they also have bargain books sometimes for $1, $3, $5, and so forth. I saw a few things that caught my eye, but knew I didn't have the funds to buy any of them. So I just grazed the pages of some of them. Then it happened, my eye caught sight of a book for $8. I read the title again. I had heard her do a Bible study on a television show regarding this same book. I read the title again and immediately snatched up the LAST book and put it in my basket. I took the $8 from my grocery money to buy this book.
Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore.
This woman is a phenomenal teacher and so real and down to earth. I've seen/heard her in person several times and each time I am always riveted in my seat listening to her speak.
I began reading her book and I hardly ever read the acknowledgements or foreword, but tonight I read even that. Then I began to pray and pour my heart out to God. Lord, You can use any song, any person, any book to bring me out of this pit. I just pray You get me out of the pit. I read chapter 1 and FINALLY I can't put things into some semblance of understanding for MYSELF and not feel like I'm going crazy!!!! SHE GETS THIS PIT THING!!!!!!!!!!! It's easy for us to see someone going through something and share what we would do, say, think, etc. It's a whole different story when someone has walked the road and wore the shoes!
So, on that note, I welcome you on this journey I'm taking. Don't bash, don't criticize, don't belittle, but PLEASE PRAY!!! I will share as much as the Lord allows, and I pray someone else gets out of this pit right along side me. I wish there were several of us reading this together, but maybe this is a journey God has me on by myself...and for good reason.
I'll share what I've learned from chapter 1 in tomorrow's post, but for now, I thank you for allowing me to be blunt and honest!!! I'm ready to strip off the masks and tell it like it is!