I FINALLY saw the Light of Hope!!!
I haven't been able to read the Word in over 2 1/2 weeks. Hadn't been able to even open it. Couldn't fully understand why this great attack on me.
Until last night!!!
Well, let me back up. Yesterday morning I took my Bible outside and sat down and actually read about 3 passages in Psalms. That was all I could muster. I prayed briefly and that was about all I could muster. Tinkered on the piano a bit and cried out to God in great anguish.
Took my son to karate and prayed off and on while waiting in the car for an hour.
Got home and told the kids to get their Bibles. We haven't read in 2 1/2 weeks mind you. So kids are looking at me a bit strange. I don't feel like it, but I forge ahead. I don't "feel" like doing this. I don't "feel" like reading or praying. But I push forward even if it's only 5 min.
We briefly talked about relationship with God and how we (those of us in the family that don't have a relationship with God) have basically been pimping God. Do our duty on Sunday and then wait with our hand out the remainder of the week expecting to be lavished with blessings and get angry when we aren't. (another blog post on that later)
Then I began to share with them about this dark time. Why I have been so quiet, afraid, and in tears constantly. Fear of the visions I see. Fear of what I might do to myself. Quiet because I saw no hope and tears because that was all I could bring myself to do, along with begging God to please save me and protect me or else I would surely die.
As I was sharing with them, God began to bring to my rememberance a conversation I had 3 weeks ago. We were talking about fighting for our families and praying for our children that are lost and pushing God further away. I mentioned that I had challenged the enemy the day before. Told him he'd have to kill me before I allowed one of my children to be snared by him. I reminded God of all the promises He gave me for my family and again told the devil he could not have my family and the only way he would get them would be to kill me.
I was told I should never challenge the enemy that way, he will surely do all he can to defeat me. I said if we don't challenge him then we are saying our God has no power and from all I've read, my God has ALL power and ALL things are UNDER His feet. The enemy is in subjection to Him!!!
I forgot about that prayer. I've been begging God to help me understand why I was going through this dark time and to draw me out of it. I can't explain it any better than I have been deathly afraid my time was drawing nigh and that it would be at my own hands.
Little did I realize I would forget that conversation and less than a week later, the enemy began his attack on me and tried to take me out. LITERALLY
Since remembering that conversation and sharing it with the kids, I have felt a heaviness lift off me. I'm cautious but NOT defeated!!!!! For the first time in weeks I felt a ray of hope and saw a glimmer of light!!! It has been a long, hard, rough couple of weeks, but as I think about it, it seems as if it were a wilderness moment. You know in Matthew 3:17 the voice of God declares after Jesus has been baptized, "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." and IMMEDIATELY the next thing we see in Matthew 4:1 is that Jesus is led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. I could feel heaviness all around me, but no one would be there. I could hear movement all around me, but I would be the only one in the room. The sad thing is I would cower in my bed, not fearful of the enemy and his minions that may have been lurking about, but I was afraid of what I would do to myself. I was too weak to "pray" and so I'd just lay here in bed and cry out Lord if You don't save me, I won't be saved. If you don't rescue me, the enemy will win because I am not strong enough to fight this. Sometimes it would just be Lord Help ME!
But last night, something in the Spiritual realm happened. As I shared and remembered, I no longer felt heavy or defeated. The air in the room began to lighten up. I smiled for the first time last night and truly felt it.
But God is greater!
Immediately after sharing with the kids, God put a song upon my heart. I pray this song blesses you as it did me. I sat here listening to it with tears streaming down my face. God has not put a song on my heart in over 2 weeks. Every morning I would wake up with the words of a song in my head and I'd look for it on youtube and that would be my song for the day. I would go have my quiet time and finish up with praise or worship to the particular song God gave me for the day. I had not had that until last night and this is what He gave me!!! Enjoy!