Shattered World

In 2 weeks it will be official. I will be a divorced woman. I know we've been separated for 8 years. I know that we were living single lives all this time. However, I still held out hope. I still believed God would restore our marriage.
Again, through a text message.....NEVER face to face, He said it's over. My heart is broken, my world is shattered and I find myself holding on to God for dear life. Clinging to hope in Christ that He will heal me and make me whole.
I will never go down this path again. My heart has had enough. They either leave or pass away and I'd rather not deal with either one. So I put one foot in front of the other to try to regain my balance, step, and composure.
I never wanted a legacy of divorce. While I know that God has not been the cause of this, I do know that God has allowed it to take place. I cling to Him to not find the answers or understand why, but to just become stronger and wiser through this. One day I will be able to lift my head again and hold it high, knowing that I did all I perceived that God wanted me to do. I will come through the flood and not drown and the fire and not be burned. And there will be beauty for my ashes. One Day....

Tasha

Life Interuppted...

Has God ever humbled you? Not in a shame on you kinda way, but a gentle, loving, fatherly way? That way that says I've had this all along, now I need you to step back and let me be God? I've got this in control and I actually DO know what's best for you and those in your life.

Well, He never ceases to amaze me. I'm finding my eyes being unveiled and I'm sure there is more to come. I'm reading this book here ........ And in just the first 2 1/2 chapters I'm being touched by the hand of The Lord.

I've been viewing things ALL wrong. Even after listening to Pastor Evans each Sunday say we need to view things from a Kingdom perspective; Life Interrupted is causing, no, making me look at myself in the mirror. To face some truths about myself.

I've balked at what God has asked of me - praying diligently for my coworkers/Joseph. The burdens/pressures of my job. The frightening unknown of future divorced life, singleness, and realizing that I don't truly hold God in high esteem nor do I trust His will and sovereignty.

God's hand has always been in my life, upon my life, in my circumstances. But truth be told I've not looked at His will as perfect and best for my life. I have ALWAYS looked at life and thought in all circumstances and situations that I knew/know best for me and everyone else.

I'm so thankful God is humbling me and beginning to remove the veil from my eyes. May I begin to not only quote Proverbs 3:5-6 and Psalms 37:4, but that I may also live it and walk it out for His glory!

Tasha

Asparagus

As I was getting out of the car, this caught my eye.  Amazing!!  God is so awesome.  I remember just last fall cutting the fern like plants back and covering with lots of leaves so they could rest for the winter.  Over time the leaves began to break down and compost so I added more periodically.  I had begun to wonder when the first spear would appear.  Had I cut back the ferns too soon and too low?  Just lots of questions.  And then to my surprise this beautiful spear was saying hello!  Last year the spears that came up were much thinner and frail looking.  They were sweet and scrumptious (the couple I picked and ate).  I will be tasting this one very soon...I'll keep you posted on how it tastes. 


Tasha

New Year, New Beginnings!

I am so pumped and excited about 2013!!!  Oops Sorry....HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!  I know I'm 4 days late, but life happened.

2012 was HELL for me and I'm not going to sugar coat that.

 However, God!!!!!

He kept me, held my hand, sometimes held me period, and brought me through to 2013.  I am believing God for an amazing year.  I feel this urgency of expectation and there really are no words to describe it except for electrifying!  It's in the atmosphere all around me and yet it's within me.
I'm about to begin reading some great books*.  Some have been sitting on my shelf and I've just looked at them and one I just got for Christmas.  I'll also be joining a Good Morning Girls group and doing a Bible Study on Luke 1-8 with them!  I'm ready!!!!!!  To add more to my life, school starts full swing on the 16th.  4 full months of classes and it's propelling me towards my future employment.  I'm ready to get back on my feet.  I hope to be getting my juicer in the next week or so and I will begin my journey into juicing.  I've got a huge goal of losing 50 lbs, but I'm aiming for smaller goals to start with.  A pound a week to start with and I'll go from there.  Plus I'm trying to vlog more about my hair journey, health/weight journey, and Walk with Christ.....It's starting to overwhelm me just putting it all down to see before my eyes!  LOL  Yet I know I won't be doing EVERYTHING EVERYDAY so it's not as much as it seems.

At any rate, I'm ready!!!

Prayer Request:  I need a reliable vehicle for no more than $2000 right now.
                          Immediate employment after school is over and mad savings after that.
                          My goal for moving into my own place by mid July.  So rent that is reasonable and    someone that will overlook my credit issues.  This may mean I have to move beyond where I wanted to move to...regardless God's will prevail!!!
                          Last, but not least, that God will meet me where I am and take me on the ride of my life!!!

Come along for the journey! I pray I bless you in some way!!!


*Books I'll be reading
Begin Again, Believe Again - Sharon A Hersh
Stronger Than You Think - Kim Gaines Eckert
When Pigs Move In - Don Dickerman


Tasha

You Cannot Change...

What you are not willing to face.  I sat thinking about this statement Iyanla Vanzant made on twitter the other day.  I pondered it and then forgot about it and as the darkness of night came, the thought of that statement crossed my mind again.  And I began to truly face the fact that my marriage is indeed over.  I spent my 6th out of 7 Christmas' with just the kids and I'm happy. 

I have so many thoughts about what it is I want to accomplish and do in the remaining time of my life.  I have big dreams and hopes.  And I've got a God that's bigger than all that.  He's going to bring me through this and one day I'll look back and be amazed at all He's brought me through.

God is going to get the glory out of my story!!!!

Tasha

Life Can Just Be Plain HARD!!!

You know, I don't know why after the last 7 1/2 years, it took me soooo long to say those words, but life can be just plain HARD!!!  Sometimes through actions/decisions of our own doing, but also through the actions/decisions of others as well!
There are times when I think life sucks!  and other times when I think life just may be ok!
I'm grateful to be alive, don't ever get that twisted, but I think I'm ready for a breath of peace in my life.  You know, I want out of the pit, the valley, and I would like to be on the mountain top for just a little while.
How anyone could get through this life without God is totally unfathomable to me and yet, I've tried it.  I can say that God has kept me from going totally ballistic in the last few months as well as from losing my sanity.  It is definitely by His grace that I am still here and His mercy that has sustained me.  Without God, I would have given up a long, long, long time ago.  I'm just thankful that those times I couldn't/wouldn't/didn't hold on to God, HE held on to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tasha

Oh No You Never Let Go!!!

As I sat this morning having my quiet time with the Lord, I looked out over the small treasure of nature on just my 2 acres.  I sat in awe as I watched the birds fly about and the bees go from wild flower to wild flower.  Looking at my chickens, and my potted garden and compost.  I just began to speak to the Lord what was welling up within my heart. 
Thanking Him that in all these months and years He has allowed me to stumble, doubt, mistrust, but He has never let me go.  Then John 10:27-29 came to mind. 

My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.  And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall ANYONE snatch them out of My hand.  My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and NO ONE IS ABLE to snatch them out of My Father’s hand.  (emphasis mine)

I’ve had some rough months and years, but when I look back, not once in the last 7 years have I totally walked away from Him.  I’ve slipped and fallen away from prayer, reading, etc, but never once to the point of not believing.  If He were a man, He would have let me go a long time ago, much as my husband has, but My God is not a man that He should lie.  He said it in His Word and has held true to His Word, even when I did not!!!! I am His and He is mine!

How Deep the Father’s Love For ME (Us)!!!!  Those were the next words the leaped to my heart and mind and I looked the video up on YouTube and the words resonated within my spirit.  You Never Let Go were the next words to swell within my heart and I looked that video up on YouTube as well.  Through the calm and through the storm, He never let go of me! 

My God is a good God!  A loving God!  He is my biggest and greatest cheerleader and I’m His biggest fan!  Me, a wretch, so unworthy of Him and His love and yet, He emphatically sees to it that I know He loves me.  Who could NOT love a God like Him!!!  And to think, He’s the only one like Him!!!!  

He is so totally amazing and I am privileged to be called His!  I can only imagine the huge grin on His face as I sit here with this huge grin on my own face!!!  I have a Father who loves me even when I am wretched. 
Tasha

When God Gives You Something Spectacular

You sometimes want to tell Him to hurry up and give it all to you at once!  He gave me a vision, but before I can make that vision a reality, I've got to make it and then send it to a couple of trusted friends and let them test it out for me and THEN, I can re-open my Etsy shop and let the fun begin.

I'm excited to see where this will lead.  Excited to see what God does with it.  And having loads of fun with the vision in my minds eye.  I won't post pictures of it until it's in my shop, but let's say I'm bubbling with anticipation!!!

I've also decided I will continue to learn to quilt and will do a few of those on the side mostly as gifts, but I want to also get back into learning to sew clothes for myself.

I'm EXCITED!  Can you tell?

This Walk

I'm learning and re-learning day by day that this walk with Christ is a daily surrendering and trust thing.  You can't simply say one day I trust God, I am a follower of Christ, I believe.  This is a daily dying to self and surrendering your will for His.  He is ever stretching me and growing me in areas that are just plain hard.
I can see Him at work in my life and heart, but there are seriously times I want to say ok God, enough.  Times when you think surely there can't be much else that God can pull from me or pull out of me, and then....another trial, another opportunity to grow in Christ, another time of stretching in faith and trust.
Not easy, but so worth it in the end.  I want to ask God to fix things and let me have a reprieve and THEN allow me to come back into the scheme of things.  However, He is asking me "Will you trust Me"?  To which I can either say no and forfeit oh so much OR I can say yes and He blesses my socks off with growth and fellowship with Him.  When I look at it from that perspective, I say YES....un-ashamedly and WITHOUT reservation!
My God is greater!  My God is stronger!  He is higher than any other!  He is healer!  Awesome in Power.....MY GOD!!!!  If my God is for me than who can ever stop me or come against me????
It's boiling down to will I believe and trust His word?  Will I stand on His promises?  He has said He is not a man that He should lie.  Do I believe Him?
There is no one else I can trust or believe beyond a shadow of doubt.  No one BUT God, even when things look ugly and I don't have the answers I'm searching for.  God is All I have and All I need.  He's showing me daily my need for a Savior.
God Bless

Surrendering

I was listening to the first part of The Pineapple Story on EmbassyInstitute.org last night.
I didn't take any notes, just sat and listened.  I enjoyed the first session with the various stories he shared about being in the mission field, the people and so forth.  I laughed right along with the audience.  Yet, I was also paying attention and some things caught my attention.

Otto Koning made a few statements.  Statements I will be pondering for a while.
The more you fight and struggle with your problems, the worse they get.

As long as you are trying to solve your own problems, God won't push you out of the way.  He'll wait for you to move out of the way and let Him handle them.

You can't win the ones you're fighting with, you only ruin your testimony.


As my children have said and done things and I have said things that are causing conflicts and rifts in our relationships, as my husband has hurt me and is not fulfilling the vows he made, I forget often that We war not with flesh and blood...Ephesians 6:12.
I will be meditating on this verse and committing it to memory this week.

Surrender:  Cease resistance, abandon oneself entirely to, give in to, submit to a greater authority.

God is waiting on me to surrender all this mess and people to Him.  He won't push me out of the way.  He sees I'm hurting, angry and wailing about, but He waits patiently all the while knowing He can fix what brings me low.  Ahhh, the parent child relationship in full effect.

Lord, surrendering is not easy for me, but as I'm losing this war and ruining my testimony with others and my children, I surrender them, my husband, my finances, my employment, my hurts, my "rights", my heart to You.  Have Your way, may You be Lord over this all.  And Lord, may You remind me and help me to surrender it all to You again each day.  In Jesus Name, Amen.

This Walk

I'm learning and re-learning day by day that this walk with Christ is a daily surrendering and trust thing.  You can't simply say one day I trust God, I am a follower of Christ, I believe.  This is a daily dying to self and surrendering your will for His.  He is ever stretching me and growing me in areas that are just plain hard.

I can see Him at work in my life and heart, but there are seriously times I want to say ok God, enough.  Times when you think surely there can't be much else that God can pull from me or pull out of me, and then....another trial, another opportunity to grow in Christ, another time of stretching in faith and trust.

Not easy, but so worth it in the end.  I want to ask God to fix things and let me have a reprieve and THEN allow me to come back into the scheme of things.  However, He is asking me "Will you trust Me"?  To which I can either say no and forfeit oh so much OR I can say yes and He blesses my socks off with growth and fellowship with Him.  When I look at it from that perspective, I say YES....un-ashamedly and WITHOUT reservation!

My God is greater!  My God is stronger!  He is higher than any other!  He is healer!  Awesome in Power.....MY GOD!!!!  If my God is for me than who can ever stop me or come against me????

It's boiling down to will I believe and trust His word?  Will I stand on His promises?  He has said He is not a man that He should lie.  Do I believe Him?

There is no one else I can trust or believe beyond a shadow of doubt.  No one BUT God, even when things look ugly and I don't have the answers I'm searching for.  God is All I have and All I need.  He's showing me daily my need for a Savior.

God Bless

Fast

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged.  I can’t say if I’ve really missed it or not.  I’ve been enjoying spending more time with God and trying to get used to the new changes within my household.  

The next several posts for the next few days will be a compilation of the things that have happened over the last few weeks.  

Now, where to begin?  Each year our church holds a Solemn Assembly.  This is the church taking the first week of the new year and dedicating it to the Lord through fasting and praying as a church body as well as families and individuals. 

The week before that, I knew we were getting ready to go into this consecrated time and I had begun to pray and ask God how He wanted me to approach this time of fasting and praying.  I knew in my heart that I wanted to hear from the Lord and I wanted this time to be different.  Immediately God impressed upon my heart to do a full fast and to fast from the internet as well.  And I knew this was a fast that God had chosen.  Isaiah 58:5-12

When we arrived at church that Sunday, the Pastor gave different instructions; to fast from ONE meal of our choosing and from ONE other thing that consumes a lot of our time.  Sounded like what I was going to do anyway, except the meal part.  I sat there and prayed, “Lord they are only fasting from one meal...I could just follow them.”  He instructed me to obey the fast He had chosen and I knew in my heart that was what I needed and had to do.  I knew with expectancy that God was going to speak to me through this fast.

This was NOT a fast where He spoke to me, but a fast in which HE broke the chains of depression and suicide from me.  I can only recall 2 other fasts in the last 5 years in which the Lord spoke to me or broke some bondage from my life.  2011 was a great year of testing and tempting from the enemy for me.  Many times there was a weight and spirit of depression/suicide upon me.  Not many know the depths within which I fought to keep from taking my life.  There were times I could only lay in my bed and cry out the name of Jesus.  I couldn’t read, couldn’t sing, couldn’t pray....I could only call out the name Jesus and beg for Him to save me.  I knew in my limited frame of understanding that if I were to come through that time, it would only be because of Jesus and nothing that I had done in my own works.  And sure enough, He did bring me through but in the first week of 2012, He broke the bondage from me.  

I knew the moment it broke from my life.  I awoke on that Tuesday with a smile on my face and knew a lightness in my heart that I had not felt in over a year.  I knew the season of the deep valley of the shadow of death was over and the joy of the Lord was upon me.  

I actually went through the rest of the fast without a desire for food.  My sister and I talked about various recipes and she continually apologized for “tempting” me, but not once was I even yearning for food.  The only difference this time is that my children are much older than the first time I ever fasted, so I never had to cook meals.  They took care of the meals themselves.  

The following Sunday, I was able to give an amazing testimony to several people about the goodness of the Lord and what He had accomplished during the fast He had chosen.  He also gave me a new heart and desire for my marriage.  I prayed at the end of the fast that God would continue to call me to a fast of His choosing throughout this year.  

Isaiah 55:6 Seek the Lord while He may be found; Call upon Him while He is near.

Isaiah 55:8-11 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways, “declares the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.  “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty without accomplishing what I desire and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.

The Throne of My Heart

How do I take me off the throne of my heart and ask God to occupy His rightful place on the throne of my heart when I'm filled with such pride?

Many would say it's easy, confess, repent, believe, have faith, trust, etc.

I submit to you that sometimes it's really NOT that easy.  Oh how I want it to be, but when I ask myself some hard questions, I realize that this is a battle I can't fight on my own.

My sweet friend shared a quote with me from Facing the Giants between the husband and the wife.  He asked her "Will you still love Him if He never gives us a child?"

For my friend, she said before she couldn't answer because she was angry, but now she can say yes!!!! regarding her situation.

As for me, I wrote it out and I'm truly pondering it.
Would I still love Him if He never removes the financial burdens, never restores my marriage and family, never turns my children's hearts to completely surrender and walk with Him, never restores the relationships between me and my children, never gives me a job, I'm never to be a stay at home wife/mother again, never allows us to move to a "better" & "more fitting" place?

Sad to say I am struggling with this right now and I see the pride in it all.  I see that I have dethroned God from my heart and put myself in His place.

I'm not even pondering so much right now HOW this happened, but WHAT is hindering me from removing myself and putting God back in His rightful place in my heart and life.

And just in the brief moment I have paused to ask God to reveal it to me, I got this...
I'm angry because my life has not turned out the way I expected it to.  My hopes and dreams weren't fulfilled as I had planned.  My desires have all been for naught and I'm angry, bitter, and resentful, and sorely disappointed.

to be continued............

Trusting God

It's been a long time since I've fasted.  A long time since I've felt led by the Lord.  I didn't wake up with that in mind yesterday, but as I prayed for a friend yesterday, I felt the Lord tugging my heart to invite her to join me in a fast.

Hmmmmm, I didn't at first.  I totally did my best to ignore the nudging and almost ended the conversation.  However, God just doesn't let things go that easily.

So I invited her to join me in a fast.

We are still working out the logistics, the day(s) we will fast and because she gets sick easily, she will only fast a meal, but the Lord is clearly leading me to fast according to His timing.  So many things the Lord has begun to lay on my heart to pray for during our time of fasting and praying.  I need to begin a list of those things before I can no longer remember.

Over the last few days, the Lord has also begun to rekindle my heart to stand for my marriage.  Yes, by all accounts, I can divorce Biblically.  Yet, the Lord has constantly turned my heart away from divorce each time I have tried to make that step.  There are times I don't want to desire this man.  This man that has hurt me so deeply.  And yet, as I reminisce about our early years, I remember a man I fell in love with.  No, I didn't pray before we married.  I was far from saved.  I had no idea to pray for my future mate.  But the day we said I do, the Lord was present and in the midst of that day and our lives.  So, if I'm honest with myself and my God, I want my marriage to be restored.  I want our lives to be transformed for the glory of the Lord.  A testimony of God's strength and power and I want to encourage others to stand for their marriages as well.

In the meantime, if you feel led, pray for God's wisdom and direction in my life and the lives of my family.  I leave you with this neat story from Moody Radio.  A Marriage Carol   It has blessed me, I pray it blesses you as well.

Give Me a Clean Heart

I started reading someone's blog after I typed in Googles search engine Bible study for heart transformation.  I came across Tracy's blog.  The great thing is I've been able to really sit and ponder what my hearts desires really are.  She stated it may take some time, but I knew immediately what my hearts desires are and wrote them down.

To minister to women that are standing for their marriages and families when they are crumbling all around them.  To see my WHOLE family walking with the Lord and being about our Father's business.  That the marriages in my WHOLE family will be restored to fullness and great richness in Christ.
It is NOT enough for me to just have my heart transformed and changed and walking with the Lord.  It's not enough for me to just be filled with the Holy Spirit!  I want my ENTIRE FAMILY transformed, changed, filled, and walking with the Lord!!!!  I want to see my nephews and nieces, my nephews wife, my sisters, my brother in love, my husband, my children, me...all chasing after Him and walking out His will for our lives!!!!!!

I want Ezekiel 36:25-27 for myself and my WHOLE family
Then I will sprinkle clean water on you and you will be clean.  Your filth will be washed away and you will no longer worship idols.   And I will give you a new heart with new and right desires and I will put a new spirit in you.  I will take out your stony heart of sin and give you a new obedient heart.  And I will put My Spirit in you so you will obey my laws and do whatever I command. (NLT)

I don't want us to have to think twice about our will verses God's will.  I want us to be so hungry and thirsty for God and His will and our love for Him so rich and genuine that we can't wait to wake up each morning to fulfill another paragraph in the chapters of our lives and the book of His will.

Pimping God...

In an earlier post, I told you about a conversation I had with the kids about relationship with Christ and how many of us are pimping God.  I don't mean that in a crude way.  I don't mean to offend, but it WAS the very analogy that God gave me at the time, so I'm going to keep it real.  I won't sugar coat it, but I will share the truth of it.

If we are honest, many of us at some point in our walk with God have done just that, we've pimped Him, or treated Him as our personal santa clause or sugar daddy.  We go to church on Sunday and put in our 2-2 1/2 hours and we come out with this super hero emblem puffed up on our chest.  We did something for God and NOW we're about to get "paid".  We may read a few scriptures hear and there or say a prayer...grace before a meal, and we then have this attitude that we have done right by God.  And the remainder of the time we are out doing our own thing.  Living our lives the way we want and enjoying every minute of it.  Saint on Sunday, Heathen the rest of the time.  Two standards...
and the sad thing is we think He is pleased and SHOULD be satisfied with that!!!!  Then....
we get ticked off when nothing we want or asked for comes to fruition!

OUCH or AMEN...

We now feel God is obligated to BLESS us because we have done our duty.  We have our hands out; gimme is our middle names (and some of our first and last names too)!
We don't understand why God isn't blessing us.  We can't fathom why God has stopped the flow.  If you've ever said or thought...my prayers aren't answered, He doesn't hear me, or this Christian stuff doesn't work.....you've been pimping God!

May I dare say that God is not after being your hook up, your sugar daddy, or your santa claus.  God wants a relationship with you.  He wants to be your best friend and He wants to hang out with you.  Imagine for a moment if you will, You have a friend that never calls you to just say hi or talk.  They never come by to visit you and when you visit them, they don't have time or ignore you all together.  However, if they called and the person that answered the phone said "so and so" is on the phone, your immediate thought would be what do they WANT!
That would be because you have NO RELATIONSHIP!!!
Ever heard someone say...oh they just call when they need something?
You usually nip these types of "friendships" in the bud and cease to entertain all calls from these type of people.
WHY?????  Because you want relationship!!!!

Well, if we as mere humans want something as simple as relationship, what do you think our Great Father in heaven wants?
In Genesis 3:8, They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day..... I'd like to suggest to you that this is because He was accustomed to walking with Adam and Eve and conversing with them as friends do!  They had relationship.  They could talk with and to God, they could walk WITH Him.

There is no way possible to have friendship with the world and God.  We will hate one and love the other!!!
The issue is, what we will not accept as humans from other people, we give to God and expect Him to accept it AND be happy with it!!!  I'd like to challenge you today to examine your relationship with Him.  Search your heart and ask God to search it as well.  Ask Him to show you if you have been putting up a front or if you truly have relationship.  Ask Him to reveal your heart to you and then Ask Him to give you a new heart and teach you how to have relationship with Him.
I've been crying out for a relationship with God like others relationship with Him and TODAY, I realize that every relationship is unique and different in the sense of how He relates to each of us and yet it's not.  He speaks to us through His Word, through music, through nature, or we just may hear His still small voice whispering to us and guiding/directing us.
Read John 15.  I have the New American Standard Bible, I read it there and then looked online and read it in the New Living Translation.  I like to sum up that chapter as the relationship chapter.
God wants to freely bless us, but He does not and will not do so at the expense of relationship with Him.  That is first and foremost....Matthew 6:33 Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven and ALL these things will be added to you!!!  Seek first relationship with God, Seek first His righteousness, Seek first His glory, Seek first His face, Seek first His heart........and all the blessings He has for you in heaven will be manifested here on earth.  IMAGINE if you will that when we get to heaven, God pulls back a curtain and reveals these were "YOUR" blessings.  I had them for you and because you were an heir to the throne, you were entitled to them, but because you didn't seek Me, a relationship, you missed out on these things!  And THESE THINGS don't necessarily have to be material possessions.  It can simply be PEACE!!!!!!

Have a blessed day in the Lord

Light.....After Great Darkness

I FINALLY saw the Light of Hope!!!

I haven't been able to read the Word in over 2 1/2 weeks. Hadn't been able to even open it. Couldn't fully understand why this great attack on me.

Until last night!!!

Well, let me back up. Yesterday morning I took my Bible outside and sat down and actually read about 3 passages in Psalms. That was all I could muster. I prayed briefly and that was about all I could muster. Tinkered on the piano a bit and cried out to God in great anguish.

Took my son to karate and prayed off and on while waiting in the car for an hour.

Got home and told the kids to get their Bibles. We haven't read in 2 1/2 weeks mind you. So kids are looking at me a bit strange. I don't feel like it, but I forge ahead. I don't "feel" like doing this. I don't "feel" like reading or praying. But I push forward even if it's only 5 min.

We briefly talked about relationship with God and how we (those of us in the family that don't have a relationship with God) have basically been pimping God. Do our duty on Sunday and then wait with our hand out the remainder of the week expecting to be lavished with blessings and get angry when we aren't. (another blog post on that later)

Then I began to share with them about this dark time. Why I have been so quiet, afraid, and in tears constantly. Fear of the visions I see. Fear of what I might do to myself. Quiet because I saw no hope and tears because that was all I could bring myself to do, along with begging God to please save me and protect me or else I would surely die.

As I was sharing with them, God began to bring to my rememberance a conversation I had 3 weeks ago. We were talking about fighting for our families and praying for our children that are lost and pushing God further away. I mentioned that I had challenged the enemy the day before. Told him he'd have to kill me before I allowed one of my children to be snared by him. I reminded God of all the promises He gave me for my family and again told the devil he could not have my family and the only way he would get them would be to kill me.

I was told I should never challenge the enemy that way, he will surely do all he can to defeat me. I said if we don't challenge him then we are saying our God has no power and from all I've read, my God has ALL power and ALL things are UNDER His feet. The enemy is in subjection to Him!!!

I forgot about that prayer. I've been begging God to help me understand why I was going through this dark time and to draw me out of it. I can't explain it any better than I have been deathly afraid my time was drawing nigh and that it would be at my own hands.

Little did I realize I would forget that conversation and less than a week later, the enemy began his attack on me and tried to take me out. LITERALLY

Since remembering that conversation and sharing it with the kids, I have felt a heaviness lift off me. I'm cautious but NOT defeated!!!!! For the first time in weeks I felt a ray of hope and saw a glimmer of light!!! It has been a long, hard, rough couple of weeks, but as I think about it, it seems as if it were a wilderness moment. You know in Matthew 3:17 the voice of God declares after Jesus has been baptized, "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." and IMMEDIATELY the next thing we see in Matthew 4:1 is that Jesus is led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. I could feel heaviness all around me, but no one would be there. I could hear movement all around me, but I would be the only one in the room. The sad thing is I would cower in my bed, not fearful of the enemy and his minions that may have been lurking about, but I was afraid of what I would do to myself. I was too weak to "pray" and so I'd just lay here in bed and cry out Lord if You don't save me, I won't be saved. If you don't rescue me, the enemy will win because I am not strong enough to fight this. Sometimes it would just be Lord Help ME!

But last night, something in the Spiritual realm happened. As I shared and remembered, I no longer felt heavy or defeated. The air in the room began to lighten up. I smiled for the first time last night and truly felt it.

Please pray for God's protection upon me and my children. I don't believe he's finished, but angry (the enemy that is). I didn't denounce my Lord though I did stop reading His Word. I didn't stop praying all together, my prayers were more like cries for mercy and questions. Not only is the enemy after my children, he will kill me to move me out of the way!!!!!

But God is greater!

Immediately after sharing with the kids, God put a song upon my heart. I pray this song blesses you as it did me. I sat here listening to it with tears streaming down my face. God has not put a song on my heart in over 2 weeks. Every morning I would wake up with the words of a song in my head and I'd look for it on youtube and that would be my song for the day. I would go have my quiet time and finish up with praise or worship to the particular song God gave me for the day. I had not had that until last night and this is what He gave me!!! Enjoy! 

Anonymous...and Lifestyle Changes

God simply amazes me more and more and It has to do with the simple fact that He is good!!!  Since I have made up in my mind that I'll do my best not to worry, just pray and trust God to do exactly what He says He will do, He has been blessing my socks off left and right.  Last week I checked the mail and to my amazement, there was a money order in the mail from someone in Florida.  I have no clue who sent it, I have no idea at all.  I did make sure it was a legitimate postal money order and after verifying that, we headed to purchase groceries, much needed toiletries, and paid a bill!!!  I had no clue how we were going to take care of any of that prior to that, but God had already worked it out!  So to who ever anonymous is.....I thank you with a sincere heart and Praise the Lord for your willingness to bless us in such an awesome way.

A sweet friend and I were talking and we both agree, if the body of Christ would step up to the plate, I don't believe we would have any Christians struggling in this nation.  Single moms would be able to fulfill their calling to stay home and raise up godly seeds.  And then, think of the testimony that would be to non believers...no brother or sister in Christ going to the government for housing, food, or medical expenses...
Now that would be awesome and amazing in and of itself and YES a mighty testimony to the world!!!

You know I do a lot of reading and many times I happen upon someone's blog and have no idea how I found that blog, but am ever grateful that I did.  Well, last night was no different.  I have purposed in my heart to make some changes for myself.  Some of it has to do with the economy and the fact that I am still unemployed.  Yet some of it has to do with the fact that I just want to live a healthier simpler life if at all possible.
So I've gone back to drinking green smoothies every morning and it has helped to cut my cravings and I find at lunch time I'm really not hungry and don't start getting hungry until around 5ish...well, dinner is at 6 so I usually drink a tall 44 oz of water and eat dinner at 6.  Since I'm on a serious budget, my smoothies are basic.  water to cover the blades in my blender, 2 handfuls of spinach or lettuce (green or red leaf), 1 cup frozen fruit, 1 cup plain yogurt.  Quick and simple yummy breakfast, followed by a large cup of ice water.  I've increased my water intake throughout the day as well.  In the last 3 months, I've switched from disposable pads to cloth pads and just in the last 2 weeks I switched from toilet paper to cloth wipes (I buy a small pack of toilet paper now for certain needs in the restroom, but that 4 pack should last me for a time).  I just made my first batch of deodorant and let me tell you it's been 2 days and I love it already.  I've been wanting to make the switch, but I've been a bit chicken!  I also tried another thing suggested from this blog and washed my hair with ivory soap...oh yea, I've switched from the fancy soaps back to ivory.  I've used dove for as long as I can remember, but found in the last 2 months or so it was beginning to cause me to itch like no one's business!  I digress.  So the reason I washed my hair with ivory soap, is that between my 2 daughters and I, the shampoo is gone in a month.  They simply use too much.  I did an experiment and bought everyone their own bottle of shampoo, the same size and my sons lasted the longest of course, then mine, but the girls were out of shampoo in 3 weeks.  So, I tried washing my hair with the ivory soap and it cleaned it very well and then made it feel like a dry mess, but I applied conditioner in it and it is just fine and very manageable.  I have used the apple cider vinegar as a conditioner before and loved the way it worked, so after we have used the remaining 3 bottles of conditioner in my home, I will be buying apple cider vinegar from that point on.  I had already been making my laundry soap so no changes there.  I have one thing I just have not been able to give up and that's the bleach.  I don't even use it on our clothes anymore, just to clean with, but I'm noticing it is causing me to have more headaches and it's burning my eyes and nose and that's just with a little bit being used.  So I'm sure that will be next.  I'm in search of a liquid dish soap replacement for hand washing dishes.  I've gone to using coconut oil in my bath water as a moisturizer....love the way it feels on my skin and I don't even have to use lotion when I get out and it only takes a little....1 TBSP!!!!  I also use coconut oil on my face.  I've weeded out hair grease and simply use a mixture of coconut oil and olive oil on my hair.  And with those few changes just for my hair, it is growing by leaps and bounds!!!

Please share any ideas you have or come up with that I can give a try.  I'm all about saving money and living healthier!!!

He Cares for Small Things Too...

My children and I have been reading through the Bible together, along with our church family.  We are now reading through the book of Daniel.  As we are reading, I am learning great truths and drawing ever closer to My Father.  It is an amazing feeling of peace and calm.  However, as we are reading, songs I remember from a young girl kept popping into my head.
When I was a little girl, we went to church for the big holidays.  We did attend regularly for a while, but my mom was a nurse and as a single parent with the ever changing hours, our attendance began to taper off.  When my brother left home, he was in search of God.  Some horrible things had happened in his life and he was having a hard time trusting God and yet he knew his answers were wrapped up in God.  So he began a journey that led him into a couple of cults, but he had the protection of God and fled from those.  He then found himself among a group of Christians that was able to help him find some answers.  There was still a lot of hypocrisy within this group and he did eventually leave it too, but before he did, he bought me a gift.  This gift was MY first MAJOR introduction to God.  I listened to that cassette tape daily until it would no longer play and whenever I read certain stories within the Bible, I begin to hum these songs that helped me learn of the truths of God long before I ever opened a Bible and read it for myself.
I have been looking for this book and cassette for many years; at least since I was about 14 years old.  I have searched high and low looking, but to no avail.  All I had in my head and heart were tunes.  I could remember a few words, but I could not remember titles at all.
Today was one of those days after our reading that one of the songs popped into my head and I began to hum along.  Then I began to search through google trying desperately hard to locate this gift..... Just as I was about to give up, and I did say Lord I'm never going to find this am I?  Then I prayed, Lord please let me find this, it may be very small, but this means so much to me.  At that moment, the very first song on the list came to mind, along with words.  WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, THOSE WORDS WERE ACTUALLY THE TITLE TO THE ENTIRE MUSICAL!!!!!!!!!!  I began to search frantically for it and after only 3 minutes of additional searching, I found it!!!!  All I could do was shout praises and thanks to God and tears streaming down my face.  My kids thought I was crazy and that something must be really wrong with me, but they will never understand the treasure within this children's musical.  I loved God then with a child's heart of purity.  This was the best moment of my childhood and I had lost all touch with it.  Now, I was in touch with it once again.  I hope to purchase it very soon and share it with my nephews and nieces and give them an awesome introduction to this Great God we serve.  TIME TUNNEL when you scroll down, it's the second book on the list and you can listen to clips of each song!!!!

Is the Lord's power limited?

Yesterday I awoke to have my quiet time with the Lord, only to have my mind wandering about a thousand different things.  For the life in me I could not concentrate on the Word of the Lord and I was getting frustrated.  For whatever reason, I didn't think to pray and ask God to clear my mind and help me to focus on Him.  So I gave up for the day and said my prayers.
This morning I awoke and it seemed that my mind was clear and I began my reading.  Yet again, half way through it my mind began to wander and I could not focus on my time with the Lord or His Word.  Only this time I refused to give up and began to pray that God would step in and I rebuked the enemy from causing distraction.  I began reading again and as I read I thought the Lord is just NOT speaking to me through His Word today.  I'll just enjoy it as a time of reading His Word and gaining an understanding of what things were like for Moses and the Israelites in the wilderness.
Then I got to Numbers 11.  YES....READ IT FOR YOURSELF.
The Israelites are complaining about not having meat to eat.  They don't have to DO anything for the manna they are receiving, but they are complaining because they have lost their appetite for the things they once enjoyed while in Egypt.  In other words, they enjoyed so many various things that they now have no access to and they can't remember what those other things tasted like and they are having a major craving issue.
For me as I read it, I thought this is me.  I remember living in a fairly nice home.  It was roomy and everything wasn't stacked in corners.  We had space to move around and as I'm looking at my present home in just the last few days, I thought to myself and aloud, Lord will we ever have a decent home again?  Will things always be this bad?  I didn't dwell on it, but I did bring it up and I did think on it several times over the last 3 days for sure and then I brushed it off with the remark of...I've got to get a job and do something or yes, we will be in this predicament till Jesus returns.
OK, back to my reading.  The Israelites have complained to Moses and then in verse 21-22 Moses says to the Lord basically...these 600,000 people keep asking me for meat for a month.  Should I kill flocks and herds to feed them?  Will the animals we have be sufficient to feed ALL of them or will the sea empty its vast number of fish to us for them to eat?  In other words, he was feeling totally inadequate for the task and saw no human way he could provide for ALL those people and they were getting on his nerves asking him for meat!!!
But as I continued reading, something JUMPED out and off the page at me and I began to weep.  The LORD said to Moses and me IS THE LORD'S POWER LIMITED?
Have you done like me and limited the Lord's power?  Have you, like I, said the Lord is all powerful and yet when faced with some issue you begin to think of a hundred different ways YOU can solve it instead of resting in His power?  Have you consulted Him last AFTER you have exhausted all of your human logic for answers?
He is ALL powerful!  There is NOTHING too hard for God!  And His power is LIMITLESS!!
May you and I camp out right there and rest in the fact that God is not limited to human thinking or logic and HE WILL take care of us!!!!!  May God richly bless you today as you seek His face and His will for you this day!