In 2 weeks it will be official. I will be a divorced woman. I know we've been separated for 8 years. I know that we were living single lives all this time. However, I still held out hope. I still believed God would restore our marriage.
Again, through a text message.....NEVER face to face, He said it's over. My heart is broken, my world is shattered and I find myself holding on to God for dear life. Clinging to hope in Christ that He will heal me and make me whole.
I will never go down this path again. My heart has had enough. They either leave or pass away and I'd rather not deal with either one. So I put one foot in front of the other to try to regain my balance, step, and composure.
I never wanted a legacy of divorce. While I know that God has not been the cause of this, I do know that God has allowed it to take place. I cling to Him to not find the answers or understand why, but to just become stronger and wiser through this. One day I will be able to lift my head again and hold it high, knowing that I did all I perceived that God wanted me to do. I will come through the flood and not drown and the fire and not be burned. And there will be beauty for my ashes. One Day....
Tasha
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
6/30/2014
11/22/2011
Ch. 1 Continued and on to Ch. 2
"Dim vision ages us rapidly, and we lose the child likeness that once made us feel like real princes and princesses in a kingdom. We can be young and yet feel old. Heavy laden. Burdened. In a pit where vision is lost and dreams are foolishness."
Beth Moore
WHEN YOU'RE THROWN INTO THE PIT
Chapter 2 will be read a second time. So many nuggets in that chapter, it's hard to say one good read of it is enough. So much to soak up and in.
Thrown into the pit....hmmm sometimes you are thrown into the pit by circumstances or other people. So as I read, I began to just go over in my mind the ways I've been thrown into this pit. The loss of loved ones...my father, mother, and brother. The abandonment from my husband. The abandonment at the hands of my father through divorce. The abuse I endured as a child at the hands of strangers and friends of the family. Allowing others to speak into my life things that are condemning and then believing those words. Never belonging or fitting in. And the result of those pits now includes anger, bitterness, blame (self & others and yes, I've blamed God), and unforgiveness (towards self and others). These things continue to hold me in the pit and dig it deeper and deeper.
How does one get free from all of this??? This is a job for a super God as I allow Him into my heart and life to help pull these things out of me and allow His healing balm to soothe over those broken areas. This is not an overnight process. It is not a snap your fingers and it's done kinda thing....though I know God can do that if He chooses to. However, I think this healing process is going to be gradual and I have no time table for that, but I do want it to be complete.
Joseph was also thrown into a pit and his brothers then sat down to eat. Now because I'm a visual, this is what I envision. Here he comes along, he's been bragging, teasing, and rubbing in their faces these dreams he's had. Not to mention that his father favors him. He's a spoiled brat. I think of a pesky little brother doing any and everything to get on my nerves and entice me to knock him upside the head so he can run and tell and I get into even more trouble. Never mind that he's been asking for it for some time. Now here he goes to "check up" on them.
"Go Joseph and see what they are up to". "If they are really doing what I told them and report back to me".
Now he's out there in his colorful coat....further hammering in that he is the favored one. They want to kill him, but one brother says no, let's not kill him. Let's just put him in this pit and leave him to die. That way there isn't really blood on our hands. Then a caravan of people (I like to think they were gypsies...I have a vivid imagination) come along and they decide let's make money off of him. We'll sell him into slavery. Meanwhile, he's begging for mercy, for freedom, he's apologizing like no one's business, he wants to just go home. However, God gave him a vision, even if he did rub it in their faces. He had a purpose and a plan to use Joseph to bring about greatness and bring God glory. Never in a million years did he think he'd have to suffer all of this for his dreams to become a reality.
It is hard to believe that God can and will take all my mess and turn it around for something great. It's hard to believe that what someone did out of evil, spite, greed, or sickness, God will use to minister to someone else. It's also hard to believe that I am my own worst enemy and holding myself in this pit through my anger, bitterness, blame, and unforgiveness.
At times this all seems so trivial to me, because I know all this. So how on God's green earth did I allow myself to be put in this pit and how do I allow myself to hold myself here through all that garbage? Not rendering excuses, just telling what I know to be true...when you are bombarded with tragedy after tragedy and you never have a moment to process one before you are hit with another tragedy, you can get overwhelmed and eventually you kinda throw your hands up and begin to sink in the quick sand of life's troubles and before you know it, you can't remember how you got there nor how to get out and when you do finally start getting a glimpse of light the slope is so slippery you slip back in due to non-monumental issues of life.
I had a dream of opening an orphanage and owning 100 acres to have my own little community for young people who have been told by the world "you're 18 and grown...go live life" and yet they have no clue how to do that. I haven't dreamed that dream in a long time, so why did it cross my mind today in the midst of all this mess I'm in???? Only God knows.
I'm off to read chapter 2 again, with highlighter in hand and Bible in tow.
Thank you for praying and allowing me to be real!
Beth Moore
WHEN YOU'RE THROWN INTO THE PIT
Chapter 2 will be read a second time. So many nuggets in that chapter, it's hard to say one good read of it is enough. So much to soak up and in.
Thrown into the pit....hmmm sometimes you are thrown into the pit by circumstances or other people. So as I read, I began to just go over in my mind the ways I've been thrown into this pit. The loss of loved ones...my father, mother, and brother. The abandonment from my husband. The abandonment at the hands of my father through divorce. The abuse I endured as a child at the hands of strangers and friends of the family. Allowing others to speak into my life things that are condemning and then believing those words. Never belonging or fitting in. And the result of those pits now includes anger, bitterness, blame (self & others and yes, I've blamed God), and unforgiveness (towards self and others). These things continue to hold me in the pit and dig it deeper and deeper.
How does one get free from all of this??? This is a job for a super God as I allow Him into my heart and life to help pull these things out of me and allow His healing balm to soothe over those broken areas. This is not an overnight process. It is not a snap your fingers and it's done kinda thing....though I know God can do that if He chooses to. However, I think this healing process is going to be gradual and I have no time table for that, but I do want it to be complete.
Joseph was also thrown into a pit and his brothers then sat down to eat. Now because I'm a visual, this is what I envision. Here he comes along, he's been bragging, teasing, and rubbing in their faces these dreams he's had. Not to mention that his father favors him. He's a spoiled brat. I think of a pesky little brother doing any and everything to get on my nerves and entice me to knock him upside the head so he can run and tell and I get into even more trouble. Never mind that he's been asking for it for some time. Now here he goes to "check up" on them.
"Go Joseph and see what they are up to". "If they are really doing what I told them and report back to me".
Now he's out there in his colorful coat....further hammering in that he is the favored one. They want to kill him, but one brother says no, let's not kill him. Let's just put him in this pit and leave him to die. That way there isn't really blood on our hands. Then a caravan of people (I like to think they were gypsies...I have a vivid imagination) come along and they decide let's make money off of him. We'll sell him into slavery. Meanwhile, he's begging for mercy, for freedom, he's apologizing like no one's business, he wants to just go home. However, God gave him a vision, even if he did rub it in their faces. He had a purpose and a plan to use Joseph to bring about greatness and bring God glory. Never in a million years did he think he'd have to suffer all of this for his dreams to become a reality.
It is hard to believe that God can and will take all my mess and turn it around for something great. It's hard to believe that what someone did out of evil, spite, greed, or sickness, God will use to minister to someone else. It's also hard to believe that I am my own worst enemy and holding myself in this pit through my anger, bitterness, blame, and unforgiveness.
At times this all seems so trivial to me, because I know all this. So how on God's green earth did I allow myself to be put in this pit and how do I allow myself to hold myself here through all that garbage? Not rendering excuses, just telling what I know to be true...when you are bombarded with tragedy after tragedy and you never have a moment to process one before you are hit with another tragedy, you can get overwhelmed and eventually you kinda throw your hands up and begin to sink in the quick sand of life's troubles and before you know it, you can't remember how you got there nor how to get out and when you do finally start getting a glimpse of light the slope is so slippery you slip back in due to non-monumental issues of life.
I had a dream of opening an orphanage and owning 100 acres to have my own little community for young people who have been told by the world "you're 18 and grown...go live life" and yet they have no clue how to do that. I haven't dreamed that dream in a long time, so why did it cross my mind today in the midst of all this mess I'm in???? Only God knows.
I'm off to read chapter 2 again, with highlighter in hand and Bible in tow.
Thank you for praying and allowing me to be real!
3/10/2011
My Mother's Cup & Saucer
My mother was a coffee drinker. I began drinking coffee at around 4 yrs of age. My brother would wake up every morning and make me a "watered down" cup before he headed off to school. Around age 10, coffee became super nasty to me and I stopped drinking it. It could have been that I had to awaken every morning for school and make my mom her first cup of coffee before she could muster the energy to get of bed and get ready for work. I don't know, but now I wish I could make her one last cup of coffee. Within the last 5 years of her life, she began to look at her china in a very different way. She began to use it for every day use. Her thought was, I have these beautiful things here and they get no use, when I die, someone else will have the privilege of using them. So she began to use her things of beauty.
Every morning, I knew she would have the cup above filled with coffee and she'd sip on it like a lady....dainty and sweet, never gulping. If it was too hot, she would pour the coffee from her cup into her saucer and blow it gently and then sip. Her father drank coffee the same way and she taught my children to drink their first cups of coffee in that same manner.
Well, I had a dream the other night that I was having a cup of tea with her while she was sipping her coffee. So I asked my sister if I could have her cup. Now each morning and right before I go to bed, I sip on a cup of tea in her cup. It has put a smile on my face each morning to look over on the table and see her cup there from the night before.
It truly is the little things... Now off to have my cup of tea!!!!
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