Shattered World

In 2 weeks it will be official. I will be a divorced woman. I know we've been separated for 8 years. I know that we were living single lives all this time. However, I still held out hope. I still believed God would restore our marriage.
Again, through a text message.....NEVER face to face, He said it's over. My heart is broken, my world is shattered and I find myself holding on to God for dear life. Clinging to hope in Christ that He will heal me and make me whole.
I will never go down this path again. My heart has had enough. They either leave or pass away and I'd rather not deal with either one. So I put one foot in front of the other to try to regain my balance, step, and composure.
I never wanted a legacy of divorce. While I know that God has not been the cause of this, I do know that God has allowed it to take place. I cling to Him to not find the answers or understand why, but to just become stronger and wiser through this. One day I will be able to lift my head again and hold it high, knowing that I did all I perceived that God wanted me to do. I will come through the flood and not drown and the fire and not be burned. And there will be beauty for my ashes. One Day....

Tasha

Trusting God

It's been a long time since I've fasted.  A long time since I've felt led by the Lord.  I didn't wake up with that in mind yesterday, but as I prayed for a friend yesterday, I felt the Lord tugging my heart to invite her to join me in a fast.

Hmmmmm, I didn't at first.  I totally did my best to ignore the nudging and almost ended the conversation.  However, God just doesn't let things go that easily.

So I invited her to join me in a fast.

We are still working out the logistics, the day(s) we will fast and because she gets sick easily, she will only fast a meal, but the Lord is clearly leading me to fast according to His timing.  So many things the Lord has begun to lay on my heart to pray for during our time of fasting and praying.  I need to begin a list of those things before I can no longer remember.

Over the last few days, the Lord has also begun to rekindle my heart to stand for my marriage.  Yes, by all accounts, I can divorce Biblically.  Yet, the Lord has constantly turned my heart away from divorce each time I have tried to make that step.  There are times I don't want to desire this man.  This man that has hurt me so deeply.  And yet, as I reminisce about our early years, I remember a man I fell in love with.  No, I didn't pray before we married.  I was far from saved.  I had no idea to pray for my future mate.  But the day we said I do, the Lord was present and in the midst of that day and our lives.  So, if I'm honest with myself and my God, I want my marriage to be restored.  I want our lives to be transformed for the glory of the Lord.  A testimony of God's strength and power and I want to encourage others to stand for their marriages as well.

In the meantime, if you feel led, pray for God's wisdom and direction in my life and the lives of my family.  I leave you with this neat story from Moody Radio.  A Marriage Carol   It has blessed me, I pray it blesses you as well.

Ch. 1 Continued and on to Ch. 2

"Dim vision ages us rapidly, and we lose the child likeness that once made us feel like real princes and princesses in a kingdom.  We can be young and yet feel old.  Heavy laden.  Burdened.  In a pit where vision is lost and dreams are foolishness."
Beth Moore


WHEN YOU'RE THROWN INTO THE PIT

Chapter 2 will be read a second time.  So many nuggets in that chapter, it's hard to say one good read of it is enough.  So much to soak up and in.
Thrown into the pit....hmmm sometimes you are thrown into the pit by circumstances or other people.  So as I read, I began to just go over in my mind the ways I've been thrown into this pit.  The loss of loved ones...my father, mother, and brother.  The abandonment from my husband.  The abandonment at the hands of my father through divorce.  The abuse I endured as a child at the hands of strangers and friends of the family.  Allowing others to speak into my life things that are condemning and then believing those words.  Never belonging or fitting in.  And the result of those pits now includes anger, bitterness, blame (self & others and yes, I've blamed God), and unforgiveness (towards self and others).  These things continue to hold me in the pit and dig it deeper and deeper.
How does one get free from all of this???  This is a job for a super God as I allow Him into my heart and life to help pull these things out of me and allow His healing balm to soothe over those broken areas.  This is not an overnight process.  It is not a snap your fingers and it's done kinda thing....though I know God can do that if He chooses to.  However, I think this healing process is going to be gradual and I have no time table for that, but I do want it to be complete.

Joseph was also thrown into a pit and his brothers then sat down to eat.  Now because I'm a visual, this is what I envision.  Here he comes along, he's been bragging, teasing, and rubbing in their faces these dreams he's had.  Not to mention that his father favors him.  He's a spoiled brat.  I think of a pesky little brother doing any and everything to get on my nerves and entice me to knock him upside the head so he can run and tell and I get into even more trouble.  Never mind that he's been asking for it for some time.  Now here he goes to "check up" on them.
"Go Joseph and see what they are up to".  "If they are really doing what I told them and report back to me".
Now he's out there in his colorful coat....further hammering in that he is the favored one.  They want to kill him, but one brother says no, let's not kill him.  Let's just put him in this pit and leave him to die.  That way there isn't really blood on our hands.  Then a caravan of people (I like to think they were gypsies...I have a vivid imagination) come along and they decide let's make money off of him.  We'll sell him into slavery.  Meanwhile, he's begging for mercy, for freedom, he's apologizing like no one's business, he wants to just go home.  However, God gave him a vision, even if he did rub it in their faces.  He had a purpose and a plan to use Joseph to bring about greatness and bring God glory.  Never in a million years did he think he'd have to suffer all of this for his dreams to become a reality.

It is hard to believe that God can and will take all my mess and turn it around for something great.  It's hard to believe that what someone did out of evil, spite, greed, or sickness, God will use to minister to someone else.  It's also hard to believe that I am my own worst enemy and holding myself in this pit through my anger, bitterness, blame, and unforgiveness.

At times this all seems so trivial to me, because I know all this.  So how on God's green earth did I allow myself to be put in this pit and how do I allow myself to hold myself here through all that garbage?  Not rendering excuses, just telling what I know to be true...when you are bombarded with tragedy after tragedy and you never have a moment to process one before you are hit with another tragedy, you can get overwhelmed and eventually you kinda throw your hands up and begin to sink in the quick sand of life's troubles and before you know it, you can't remember how you got there nor how to get out and when you do finally start getting a glimpse of light the slope is so slippery you slip back in due to non-monumental issues of life.

I had a dream of opening an orphanage and owning 100 acres to have my own little community for young people who have been told by the world "you're 18 and grown...go live life" and yet they have no clue how to do that.  I haven't dreamed that dream in a long time, so why did it cross my mind today in the midst of all this mess I'm in????  Only God knows.
I'm off to read chapter 2 again, with highlighter in hand and Bible in tow.

Thank you for praying and allowing me to be real!

Our Weekend!!!

I thought I would wait until tomorrow to write about the Texas Rubies Retreat my daughters and I attended...(check out Above Rubies)

This was the most blessed weekend I've had in such a long time.  It is always great to be around other like minded women.  It is refreshing to hear that wanting to be a wife/mother in today's society is not only ok, it is what the Lord planned for us women all along. (yes even in this imperfect world)
It is also wonderful that my daughters could be a part of this and see and hear so many ladies rejoicing in motherhood, womanhood, and femininity.
I was able to put faces with names that I've only encounterd on our eloop (check out yahoo groups Texas Rubies).  To meet some women that know other women I also know that aren't a part of the group and realize just how small the world really is.  And for my daughters to meet new friends that are striving to be all God called them to be and embrace motherhood/womanhood as well.  The teaching was amazing, the worship was splendid, the ladies were blessings, and the Holy Spirit was THERE!  REFRESHING!!!!
I went to this retreat expecting to hear from the Lord and with no intentions of spending a dime because, well, check out my previous post.
I spent $12 whole dollars and it was the best twelve dollars I could have spent the entire weekend.  I purchased the devotional Nancy kept speaking of...Daily Light on the Daily Path.  I needed something that would be Word filled for our family devotions, yet not be so long that I couldn't enjoy them now that I've returned to the single parent role.  In other words, I needed short spurts or shots of the Word.  This devotional has a morning reading and an evening reading...I can do that.  Nancy even shared that her husband reads the morning reading and prays over their day and family.  In the evening around the meal table, he reads the evening reading, they discuss and ask questions, they each pray and then pray for a different country or nation as well.  I thought, hmmmmm, I can do something like that.  And we'd all be getting doses of the Word!!!!
Well, I got up this morning as we were preparing for the final message this morning.  The lodge was still dark, as many women had not awakened yet.  So I stood by my bunk with this book laying on the top bed and my phone in hand as a flashlight.  I read this mornings reading:
March 7
Morning Reading
Your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name. Isaiah 54:5

This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:32
You shall no longer be termed Forsaken,...but you shall be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married...And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.  Isaiah 61:1-3
I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation...as a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. Isaiah 61:10
I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and mercy. Hosea 2:19
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Romans 8:35

I was standing on the side of that bed and I wanted to shout and scream for joy as the Holy Spirit so sweetly spoke and ministered to my heart.  A peace beyond understanding wrapped around me and my heart was filled with joy.  He calls me Hephzibah, which is Hebrew for My delight is in her.
He delights in me.  I am no longer to call myself forsaken or feel forsaken. He rejoices in me and all my life.  He clothes me with salvation and is betrothed to me forever, in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and mercy.  NO ONE can separate me from the Love of Christ!!!!!!!!
I am valued.  I am loved.  I am His and He is mine.  No matter what comes my way or what my husband has done to me, I am FAR ABOVE RUBIES....PRICELESS!!!

When we returned home this afternoon, my girls and I laid down and were out...I'm only up because I got hungry, but will soon head back to bed.  But before I did that, I thought, let me read this evenings reading:

Evening Reading
My times are in Your hand. Psalm 31:15

All His saints are in Your hand. Deut. 33:3
The word of the Lord came to [Elijah], saying, "Get away from here and turn eastward, and hide by the Brook Cherith, which flows into the Jordan.  And it will be that you shall drink from the brook, and I have commanded the ravens to feed you there."...Then the word of the Lord came to him saying, "Arise, go to Zarephath, which belongs to Sidon, and dwell there.  see, I have commanded a widow there to provide for you." 1 Kings 17:2-4, 8-9
Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on...For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. Matthew 6:25, 32
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

He loves me so much, if need be, he will command the birds of the air to feed me...I have no need to worry about anything, not even the bills I have this month with no money to pay them.  He knows we need these things and He has forgiven me for not tithing and will take care of our needs.  I casted my cares, hopes, dreams, visions, and desires upon Him and He will take care of those along with my concerns, fears, and worries.  But with all of that, my mother's FAVORITE scripture...Prov. 3:5-6 and she would quote this to all who went to her with a concern or worry.  She quoted it to us almost daily.  I will trust in the Lord, I will acknowledge Him, I will not lean on my own understanding...My God will direct my every path.  He loves me just that much.

However, don't think this is just for me, because He loves you just that much too!!!!!

Be blessed and good night!!!

PS.....I linked an online KJ version of Daily Light on the Daily Path...you can go here and read the very thing I read today.  It looks like the entire book is there!!!!! WOW I had no idea.  Be blessed by this reading.

Praise & Fear...My Oxymoron

Thursday, Nov. 5th, my husband returned home.  It's been a long hard 4 year road of separation for us, but God has been faithful.  It still has not set in that this is real and in reality, a part of me waits for him to wake up and say "I made a mistake or I changed my mind".  This is where my fear overtakes me.

We've got much garbage to work through and the challenges we face will not be easy.  

I do trust that God can do ANYTHING and yet, I know as humans, we have the ability to make choices that are not always pleasing to the Lord.

Every time I went in the direction towards divorce, God clearly said no.  It finally got to the point that I said Lord if you intend for me to remain without him or any mate, I will obey.  My heart was heavy and yet He continued to give me dreams and visions of reconciliation.  It seemed like merciless torture to be honest.  

The enemy constantly whispers in my ear reminding me that he "returned" home once before for a week and still chose to walk away.  So I'm daily having to fight him off and repeat God's truths.

So our desire is to one day renew our vows, but until that time, please keep us lifted up in your prayers.  Place us constantly at His feet before the throne.  We still have a long way to go, but we are trusting God for guidance.


All glory and praise be to Our Lord Jesus Christ who has brought things to this point and holds us in His hands!!!